UnNews:Swimsuit round added to vote for Speaker

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24 October 2023

Only when you strip them to their basics can you tell the RINOs from the MAGAs.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Desperate Republicans in the U.S. House of Representatives have added a swimsuit contest to the hunt for a new House Speaker. Contenders — nine in the current round — will strip down to their swim trunks as they make their pitch to fellow Representatives.

Additional rounds will include reciting the U.S. Constitution standing on their heads, binge water-drinking, and arm-wrestling. Ultra-religious Congressmen wanted to add a snake-handling round, but the Parliamentarian ruled it out, as former Speaker Nancy Pelosi wrote a rule prohibiting other reptiles on the House floor.

The crisis was sparked when Matt Gaetz (R-FL), seven other Republicans, and all the Democrats ousted Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), seized his gavel, and were ready to make him walk the plank but could not find one. This instigated a struggle for a replacement Speaker that is now in its third week.

Steve Scalise (R-LA) got a majority of the Republican Caucus but stood down when an old speech of his, comparing himself to Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke, surfaced. Then MAGA strongman Jim Jordan stepped forward. He did not stand down after three failed votes; the caucus did it for him. Most recently, Tom Emmer (R-MN) flamed out when colleagues discovered some planted pay stubs bearing the signature of George Soros.

Gaetz then authored the complex new contests. He stated, "Simply stuffing votes in a ballot box is so last-century! These extra rounds will really test a candidate's worth. Of course, if we had featured a wet-T-shirt round, I would have entered the race too."

Although the Democrats enabled the putsch, they have been unanimously uncooperative in ending it, continually voting to elevate their own leader, Hakeem Jeffries (D-Gaza). Republicans have been predictably dis-united but, so far, none have crossed over to put Jeffries over the top.

"It's a mess," said Kevin McCarthy. "But if it comes down to a full body-wrestle, I am willing to step back in and take on Matt. Or, better still, Lauren Boebert in a wet T-shirt contest."