UnNews:Steve Jobs passes away after seeing preview of Windows 8

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The news outlet with approval higher than Congress ✪ UnNews ✪ Friday, April 19, 2024, 06:54:59 (UTC)
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6 October 2011

Steve Jobs in 2010, with Apple's new product, the iPad.

CUPERTINO, California -- Today was a sad day for all geeks, nerds, and Best Buy employees worldwide as Apple co-founder Steve Jobs passed away of shock after seeing the entire preview of the upcoming operating system Windows 8.

Jobs co-founded Apple with drinking buddies Steve Wozniak and Ronald Wayne in 1970[1]. However, since nobody cared about computers then, they waited another six years. When 1976 came, people swarmed them like bees swarm honey-covered breasts. They also happened to rip off the name "Apple" from The Beatles, who responded by not buying their products[2] Apple quickly became the "cool computer", and became the laid back image of computing, rather than Microsoft's image of the geeky computer whiz. Besides their Mac computers, they also released a variety of MP3 players known as "iPods". This led to a fetish (not sexual, you sick fuck) of calling every product with an "i" in front of it, similar how McDonald's puts a "Mc" in front of all their products[3]. They also made a bigger iPod called the "iPad".

Today, as Steve Jobs seemed to get healthier, an eager aide rushed in to tell him a leak of Windows 8 had just been downloaded onto a USB key. "Quick, run Virtual PC", said Jobs, whose heart was beginning to beat faster by the moment. Jobs was stunned at the features. "So...much...better...newer...", said the shocked and frail Jobs. Suddenly, he fell to the floor lifeless. The aide screamed and called for help. He was pronounced dead a few minutes later after another aide searched "when a guy falls off his bed and isn't breathing" on his iPhone. "We were lucky to have an iPhone handy", said the aide. They then face time'd the local doctor, who confirmed the death.

Coincidentally, Mr. Jobs was killed by a disease which initials are "PC". This leads observers to believe that in all probability, Bill Gates will meet his demise by choking on an apple sooner or later.

Jobs will be buried in a giant iPod Touch case, complete with giant earphones and a giant USB porter. He was 56.

Sources[edit]


  1. ↑ 15 year olds used to get free bottles of beer if they sat, rolled over, and played dead.
  2. ↑ However, no one gives a fuck about the Beatles.
  3. ↑ McDonald's responded by not buying any of their products as well
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