UnNews:Peruvian bear faces deportation

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2 December 2014

The illegal Peruvian entrant was accompanied by an equally illegal Chihuahua.

LONDON, United Kingdom -- British Home Secretary Theresa May is to press ahead with the deportation of an orphan bear found at a train station here.

The bear, who goes by the name of Paddington Bear, claimed he was in London to look for marmalade and a good time. He was discovered by the police scooping out a sticky substance from a glass jar. This was sent to a laboratory to test for signs of cocaine and orange peel.

Paddington made no attempt to resist arrest, but was still tasered just in case. The bear admitted he had left his native Peru without a passport or proof of identity, but that he had trusted the British to be a warm-hearted, generous people as depicted to the outside world. An SAS agent chuckled that the bear should not believe everything he sees on the cinema and cuffed Paddington as he sat down in Paddington Station with a savoury chalupa.

Appearing in court and chained inside a bear cage, Paddington was legally represented by Winnie the Pooh, Alice in Wonderland and The Wombles. They pleaded the case for Paddington to stay in the United Kingdom on the grounds that 'he made children very happy.' Representing the government of Prime Minister David Cameron was the Wicked Witch of the West, who alleged that Paddington was illegally in the United Kingdom to steal jobs from Janet and John and The Famous Five. Miss Witch said that, if you let in one Peruvian bear, 'you might as well let in the entire population of man-eating panthers from South America and call yourself Nigel Farage.'

The presiding judge, Sir Knott Legally-Binding, decided in favour of Paddington ('or whatever the foreign Johnny called himself') to stay, but on the condition that he reside in London Zoo in between creating chaos around the city and getting into scrapes. The Government has appealed the decision and will call in the services of Australian taxidermists to support their case that Paddington Bear is the greatest threat to British security since Osama Bin Laden visited the city to watch Arsenal play against Spurs.

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