UnNews:Pence touches hearts, minds, more

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We distort, you deride ✪ UnNews ✪ Sunday, December 22, 2024, 08:12:59 (UTC)
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10 July 2017

VP Pence demonstrates Vulcan mind meld to onlookers.

KENNEDY SPACE CENTER, Florida -- Vice President Mike Pence made an official visit to NASA headquarters where he promised that the administration would make NASA great again. On the tour afterwards, under the influence of evil little voices, he placed his hand on a piece of space hardware marked DO NOT TOUCH. The photo went immediately viral, and became the subject of hundreds of memes all over Russia and possibly the rest of the world.

Pence joked about the situation afterwards, tweeting that "Marco Rubio dared me to do it!". That may have been true, since Rubio’s arms were glued to his sides to prevent him from touching anything during the tour. NASA spokesperson Jorge Jetson explained that the sign is only there to prevent excessive handling. "It will have to be carefully cleaned anyway before its tile covering is attached. Building maintenance gives it a couple of swipes with a mop. We only wish that the Vice President wasn’t given fried chicken for lunch earlier."

A NASA official nervously added, "It’s a good thing that this didn’t happen on a Friday when test equipment is connected to the panel and 2000 volts and 50 amps runs through the panel to check its integrity." When advised that this did happen on a Friday, the official explained, "Since we’re on daylight saving time, the machinery was off." When told that that meant the schedule could only be off by an hour, the official ran off screaming like a little girl.

Wags have pointed out the phrase DO NOT TOUCH is enclosed in apostrophes, implying that it wasn’t necessarily true. Truthers immediately posted blowup photos showing that the apostrophes had been added.

Pence was recalled to Washington to explain why he was attempting to "out-meme" the president.

NASA has now been reassured that its funding won’t be in jeopardy. Immediately after the visit, NASA executives were seen passing out Cuban cigars and calling Tesla dealers to order the Model X in various colors. NASA's stopgap CAHSCMV (Calvin-and-Hobbs-style cardboard manned vehicle) has been shelved. NASA now looks forward to the "great again" days of Apollos 3 and 13, the Shuttles Challenger and Columbia as well as the resultant congressional investigations. That leaves Elon Musk to wonder how NASA will screw up their launches using his Space-X rocket.


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