UnNews:Oh God it's snowing hard

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We distort, you deride

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UnNews

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Sunday, December 22, 2024, 03:40:59 (UTC)

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27 January 2015

Prepare for a cold white "garnish" on the main course.

NASHUA, New Hampshire -- The 35 million people in the corridor from Philadelphia to Boston are living in panic of news reports of a snowstorm of historic proportions. Reporters are falling all over themselves to outdo their breathless coverage of last weekend's four inches, as the region now expects at least 24 inches.

The region is a small minority of the U.S. population, but a large majority of the management of the television networks, and its location on the East Coast means it is the site of all America's East Coast newspapers. Readers expecting relief on these pages will be disappointed, as the snowbound region is an even more infinitesmal part of our worldwide readership, but comprises a full 100% of editorial management. Thus, it is natural to treat the routine storm as the world's leading story, with irresponsible hyperbole. Executive Producer Morris Greeley defended the decision to plaster the story on the Front Page over changes of government in Greece, Saudi Arabia, and Yemen, and several inspiring selfies taken by President Obama. "It is what people want to read," he said, waving his hand at his driver and his manservant.

The "mainstream media" reported Monday's flurries and Tuesday's predicted blizzard as a storm "growing exponentially," which implies that the 1 and 10 inches of snow will be followed by 100 on Wednesday, and so on until it causes the moon to make snow butterflies as it orbits the earth. Wire services had gavel-to-gavel coverage of snow blowing sideways; but unfortunately, not yet upside-down, which might take some of the huge snowbanks back to the heavens where they belong.

More than 6,500 plane flights were cancelled. The exact number is available, but the stylebook says to lead with "More than." This fact beckons for the tried-but-true PANIC IN THE SKIES graphic, as an unknown number of doomed passengers had their flights cancelled while they were aloft, for some, ruining "what should have been the happiest day of the year." Postman Peter Hovey of White Plains, NY said, "It's going to be frightening," especially if people expect him to make his rounds despite the bad weather. Happily, the crap about "neither rain nor sleet nor gloom of night" is merely poetry, and we are talking union work rules. Real poetry is when the Republican Party shelves its work on privatizing the Post Office to grind its wheels on yet another abortion bill. But they got two inches — and they are not meeting, because it is snowing, too.

Above all, do not try to dig your own way out of the blizzard. Wait for trained professionals to arrive.

Aware that snowstorms can make or break politicians, mayors declared emergencies and shutdowns. "This will be one of the largest blizzards in history," said New York City mayor Bill de Blasio, adeptly using vague superlatives to position himself for the 2016 Primary in the state of Bloviation. He told New Yorkers to "make smart decisions from this point on." Like, if you have a mulatto son, don't tell him the police are out to get him. Charlie Baker has been Governor of Massachusetts for under three weeks, too little time to figure out where Michael Dukakis put the cardigan he wore to look casual and fun while slamming shut that state's economy for three whole days. The governors of Connecticut and Rhode Island also banned nonessential travel. Such bans usually make exceptions for members of the media, but especially when they set aside their petty criticism of the ruling party and help with the campaign of nagging of public awareness.

Here then, are some helpful tips for victims of this terrifying and unprecedented storm:

• Do not travel anywhere. Instead, stay indoors, and stare at the walls. When the lights go out, try to visualize where the walls were and what they looked like. Especially avoid walking into them.
• Bring pets indoors. They were not made to endure gale-force winds and driving snow, furry or not. If you see squirrels, muskrats, deer, bears, and moose, bring them into the house too. The larger species, including any farm animals you may have, can ride out the storm in the basement or family room.
• Do not cook with electricity, if you have electricity, because it is dangerous. If lighting a cooking fire in the kitchen sink, be sure all the windows are closed, so that the wind does not whip the flames.
• Above all, stay tuned. Turn all your radios on and tune them to different stations, so that you can get emergency updates from any source. Press F5 frantically to see any additional UnNews recommendations as soon as they are issued. Together, we can get through this storm and get "back to normal."

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Sources

• Meghan Barr "Snowstorm threatens to paralyze the crowded Northeast US". Associated Press, January 26, 2015