UnNews:New birth control pill makes periods permanent, euphoric

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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UnNews

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Wednesday, March 22, 2023, 10:23:59 (UTC)

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24 May 2007

WASHINGTON D.C. -The Food and Drug Administration today approved a new birth control drugthat causes menstruation to be not only ceaseless, but euphoric. The drug, called "Hemoragina," contains a hormone that causes the endometrial wall to bleed uncontrollably, similar to hemorrhaging. It also containsa compound related to MMDA, the active ingredient in the popular nightclub drug "Ecstacy." "In our studies, very few women became impregnated while using Hemoragina, in fact, very few actually engaged in intercourse while using the drug. The only ones who did had liaisons with very drunken, "biker types" who didn't even remember doing it," said Phil Ablarney, a spokesman for Redwing/French Pharmaceuticals, headquartered somewhere in the Chihuahua region of Mexico.

New drug could prevent these types of children

Controversy has surrounded the drug since a whistleblower from Redwing/French released a study that showed 99.99999% of the women involved in the study died after about ten days of complications arising from massive blood loss and anemia. "That doesn't speak for the 0.00001% of the women, er, woman, that found the drug helpful," refuted Ablarney when asked to comment on the leak, "besides, the ones who died were so fricken high, they didn't really know enough to care anyway." Several Muslim countries have expressed interest in the drug, where sex is outlawed and women are killed frequently for such serious offenses like breathing and thinking out of turn. Redwing/French says it plans to market thedrug in pill, patch, implant, oral and nasal inhaler, suppository, injectable, smokeable and snortable forms.

Sources

• Mustapha Pudenda, Phd. "Women Are Base Devils!". The New Red Tide, May 23 2007