UnNews:My testicle might have partially detached
 |
UnNews Audio (file info) |
| Listen to this story! | |
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope. |
|
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Sunday, December 22, 2024, 03:06:59 (UTC) |
| My testicle might have partially detached | 
|
12 January 2011
MY BALLSACK -- Oh crap! I think my left nut partially detached! I had my hand down my pants when I noticed the testicle in question was kind of sideways. I'm afraid to move, as my nut is hanging on its final thread, so to speak. It doesn't hurt, thank God, but I'm still really concerned. I don't know how this could've happened. I mean, I masturbated with an extra-strength sucking power vacuum cleaner yesterday, and I put the tube on my nuts for about thirty minutes. And the other day while the dog was licking peanut butter off my balls, he did munch and tug a bit. I didn't stop him. It felt too damn good. Also, some old granny kneed me in the crotch not long ago for trying to steal her purse. Bitch. Other than these instances, I'm stunned.
So... my nut is loose. What to do now? This has actually happened to me before. Almost ten years ago, in fact. The only difference was it was my right ball at the time. I was standing around, minding my own business, when some fucker swinging his arms "accidentally" hit me in the cojones. Days later, I went to the hospital because my ballsack was inflamed and stung like a mother bitch. Not only was it the worst Valentine's Day ever, but the worst for years to come, as the rest of my puberty was delayed until I was 20. Everyone in the high school gym showers called me "Baby Dick Hairless." On the flip side, my scrotum was this big, I swear to God:
  |
It looked like a red football. I feel I should point out that I'm black. Yeah. It was that bad.
Okay, I'm not really black, but wouldn't it be cool if I was?
Fortunately, my buddy boy healed all by himself. Somehow. I guess a wizard did it. Thanks, wizard! Unless you changed your mind after a decade and caused my ball to fall once more. Bipolar wizards, y'know? If only he would change his mind again and give me magic testicles. Holy shit, that would be sweet.
Alas, what if my nut is a goner? I'll have to get a weird prosthetic testicle, like Craig Ferguson's character did on The Drew Carey Show. That was a great episode, by the way. It was one of those April Fools Day spot-the-mistakes contests they did ever year. I didn't win, of course. That's usually how my luck pans out. I never win contests, but I nearly lose a fucking ball twice.
I'm scared. I could be impotent for the rest of my life. I'll be less of a man until the end of my days. What if I can never pleasure a woman again? What if I can't ever have children? On the other hand, what if I can't ever have children? Shit. What if my long awaited puberty reverses itself?!
Enough! This must end. There's only one way to make certain my testicle is still intact..
...
Phew! False alarm. I'm still able to pull my nut up into my body without screaming in pain.
Sources[edit]
 |
This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent. |
