Drew Carey
“That fat American took my job!”
“Where there is a will, there is a way... But not if you're Drew Carey!!!”
“The points don't matter, just like these stupid puns I make.”
A species of comedian plagued by an unfortunate trinomial nomenclature syndrome that classifies its middle name as Allison. It is to this emotional trauma that loyal fans generally attribute the species' notable lack of acting ability. The "Drew Carey" is perhaps best known for being the wife and half-sister of the infamous tranvestite lingerie model Mariah Carey. He's also got a half-brother named Dilbert. He also hosts the eternal game show The Cost Is Correct
Television shows featuring Careys are noted for being more popular when they do not have the name "Drew Carey" in the title. In fact, it has been proposed that the amount of humour in any given program is inversely proportional to the number of times the species is mentioned. This rule does not hold true when others are mocking a Carey.
Being a supporter of spaying and neutering, he had himself neutered because he believed a disgusting creature such as himself should never reproduce. This would explain his obesity.
Drew Carey's doctors have recently announced that he needs to keep away from doughnuts and dog sex if he wishes to live. Naturally, people have been sending him doughnuts and nude photos of dogs in order to kill him.
Interaction[edit]
Any time one is unfortunate enough to interact with a Drew Carey, it is genuinely recommended to repeatedly taunt it about any of the following:
- Being fat.
- Being stupid.
- Not being Colin Mochrie.
- Ranting on Cloud Strife and Tifa Lockhart
- Being unable to put the letters of the alphabet in order consistently.
- Believing Africa to be a country.
- Making lame jokes. The Carey may, at this point, claim that the joke in question was not written by himself. It infallibly was.
- Being from Cleveland.
- Having no sex life.(Unless boning his dog counts as sex) When the Carey begins to agree with said observations, the taunts cease to be funny and become sad.
- Being lazy. (A general warning: This may backfire and actually cause the Carey to get out from behind the desk, at which point it is usually best to vacate the general area, as levels of unfunny are likely to rise at a rate known to cause premature death in lab rats, children, and thinking induhviduals. No data back yet on politicians.)
- Wearing glasses thicker than pancake mix
- Being so fat and desperate for sex that even prostitutes won't touch him.
- Having a laugh similar to that of a Hyenna with a mixture of cholera and strep throat whilst gagging a wooden mixing spoon.
- Not doing a damn thing.
Giraffe Ryan Stiles, his watermelon partner, Colin Mochrie, and token black guy Wayne Brady used the above method to great effect when dealing with Careys on the job. It should be noted that the more evolved Careys have developed a weak defense mechanism against such an attack, including lame insults and empty threats. If the Carey has reached this point, it is not wise to attempt to gain the upper hand, but it is instead recommended to submit to the Carey's triumph. This will completely befuddle the Carey, allowing you to escape from its general vicinity. Alternatively, you can steal the Carey's glasses.
Carey was last seen orbiting a local Cleveland comedy club although Stephen Hawking has explained this as pure desperation and loneliness and nothing to do with gravity. He has also been seen with Edward Cullen and Barrack Obama planing to take over the world with the Nazi singer Miley Cyrus. No word back yet on how George Dubya Bush is taking this latest betrayal.
Acting[edit]
Drew Carey was the host of the American rip off of the British television game show "Who Gives a Shit?" Contestants would compete for the most clever way to announce they had to go potty. He also can be seen in many pornography films staring him and Your Mom
“excuse me while I drop the Browns off at the Superbowl”
Drew became a spokesman for A & W restaurants in Canada but was fired for eating all the profits.
Price is Too Cheap[edit]
Drew Carey became a tool of the capitalist, hosting daytime TV's top show, "The Price is Too Cheap". On his last day, he spun the biggest wheel of penises and his arm was caught on it, therefore stipping the bone out of his left arm causing him to amputate the arm on the spot with a big bowie knife he caries around in his trousers.
He now lives in a old folky's home where he eats soup and is raped by the nurses there. He also broke his glasses while spinning the wheel.
Military Career[edit]
Drew led his own Military Group called The Bubbly Cuddly Teddy Bears. They were used by the Australian Army to drop out of air crafts and "Whale Bomb" Condom factories to try force more babies to overpopulate countries and make them buy time shares in Australia. He quit after they could no longer pay him in Whale Blubber.