UnNews:Jesus turns on rapture
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Saturday, November 23, 2024, 09:44:59 (UTC) |
| Jesus turns on rapture | 
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2 July 2008
GEORGIA, America Today, while everyone was sleeping, Jesus turned on the rapture. Everyone arose out of their clothes and ascended to Heaven, except me, you, and the reverend. Well, I started to ascend, but then I caught a glimpse of this really hot girl, and well... Let's not get into that any further. Wonder why the reverend didn't ascend...
As you can see, you did something wrong. That's why you're still here with me. Hell, you didn't even start to ascend. Even that one paedophile down the street went to Heaven. Gays? You know it. Muslims? They went up there as well. Even Jews were taken. They killed the lord, forfuckssake!
Don't bother trying to repent, now. It's too late.
So uh, how you liking all the free stuff? Oh, you didn't know about the free stuff? Yes. Everything is free. Your neighbour's nice house? Free. Go ahead and set it on fire. I did. Hell, I burned those people's house down a few months ago. While they were sleeping... Why the hell did I start to ascend?!?
Anyway, everything is free. Just watch out for the 10-headed beast. I saw him flying outside your house earlier. He'll tear your ass up, I tell ya what! That old boy can shoot flames out his ass! What a sight.
I've been collecting all of those people's clothes. Hell! They left them just lying around! It'll be funny if God cancels the rapture and sends everyone back. You remember the last time that happened, and everyone was naked for weeks and most people wouldn't come out of their houses cause they couldn't find their clothing? Good times.
Hey, you wouldn't mind helping me load this T.V. into the back of my new truck, would ya?
Sources[edit]
- Kizmur Az "Man misses rapture, has heart attack.". Gay Publishing, July 13, 2003
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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent. |