UnNews:Jesus reveals all on rapture fiasco

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4 June 2011

He saves. And winks. And is actually a kinda cool guy to talk to.

HEAVEN, Albania -- In an exclusive interview with UnNews, Jesus H. Christ, fighter of Satan, the Son of God by the Virgin Mary (don't ask), and accomplished tomb escapist talked about the recently failed rapture, explaining everything in an attempt to save Heaven some face.

"The end of the world is supposed to be a surprise," he began, "but somehow the secret got out. It was all Thor's fault. He got smashed again and let the cat out of the bag by appearing to that guy and saying that he was God and that the world would end."

Thor getting blasted and imitating God to preachers is no new thing, apparently. Other people deceived by the errant Viking god of thunder include Terry Jones, Saint Sebastian, and Martin Luther. Much of the Lutheran movement, in fact, hinges on ideas given to Luther by Thor, such as the idea that everything that man needs to know in order to be saved is in the Bible, the concept of predestination, and many others.

"He's just pissed that me and my Dad are more popular than he ever was," Christ said, "Though this recent escapade of his was a bit surprising; he was all excited that he was getting a movie made of him, and he tends to only drink when he's down, so we all expected him to lay off the mead for a bit. No luck."

How Thor managed to learn of the rapture which, according to allegedly infallible sources, only God could ever know of is a mystery.

"That's something that no one can understand," Jesus sighed, "I mean, Dad's omnipotent and He didn't want this thing getting out, so how did it? Did He talk in His sleep? No, He doesn't sleep - He's God. Did He misspeak? Like, Freudian slip kind of thing? No, He doesn't misspeak - He's God. Did someone manage to get Him to cough up the date? No, He's omnipotent, no one can force Him to do anything - He's. Fucking. God."

While the individual behind it all is still unknown, Thor's sometime sidekick and expert shape-shifter Loki is a suspect, simply because he's a shape-shifter. But who's behind the leak is not even the biggest problem facing Heaven right now; it's the fact they were wrong about who would know about the rapture, and they're still struggling to wrap their minds around this issue.

"What I don't get is how these people can think they can know the date with such certainty," Jesus went on, pulling out his Bible, "I mean, it's not like I didn't say, specifically, and like nine times or something, that no one can know when the world will end except God," he added, pointing to Matthew 24:36, Acts of the Apostles 1:7 and Mark 13:32. "Okay, so I only said it three times. Bite me. And, of course, I guess some other's did find out about it... So I was wrong... Well shit...

"Anyway. The long and short of it is that we messed up on this one, which is rather embarrassing, us being perfect and all, so we postponed the whole ordeal, figuring that it would lose all its pop if everyone knew we were coming," Jesus said, adding with a smile, "ending the world is a lot like hiding in a closet to scare your sister; it only works if she doesn't know what's coming."


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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.