UnNews:Jack Black Vs. Jack White: The Jack-Off
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| Jack Black Vs. Jack White: The Jack-Off | 
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11 December 2006
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LAS VEGAS, Nevada -- Actor Jack Black agreed to meet musician Jack White in a no-holds-barred death match to settle their differences over which of them is the more sickly.
"Oh, I'm going to lose," bragged White today at the press conference to announce the matchup. "I don't sleep. I smoke two packs a day, shoot way too much heroin, and I haven't seen sunshine in weeks. He's gonna break me like chopsticks."
"Who does he think he's kidding?" Black fired right back, "I drink so much my liver's the size of a Butterball turkey. I'm four pounds from being clinically obese. Unless my heart blows out as I climb into the ring, one hit and I'm gonna pop like a kitten in the microwave."
Most commentators agree that White has the health advantage over Black, but his hopes were still high for the outcome of the fight.
"I've been sickly for a long time and I dated Renée Zellweger." Boasted White. "There's just no way I'm going to win."
Sources[edit]
- Pearl "Buckminster" Bailey "The Sickliest of the Sickly: whom will it be?". Apple Records, Abbey Lane, December 11, 2006
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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent. |