UnNews:Humanity declares victory over virus

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A newsstand that's brimming with issues ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 13:07:59 (UTC)
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21 January 2022

Coronavirus (the one with the spikes) was smug after the allies' announcement, though it might simply reflect the fact that the other M&Ms had been recast to be more "gender-neutral".

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The human race on Friday declared victory over the Coronavirus and turned its attention to other things, such as better recycling solutions for aluminium. The move echoes Sen. George Aiken, who in 1966 told Richard Nixon that the best way to conclude the Vietnam War was to declare that the U.S. had won and pull out.

The U.S. Center for Disease Control led the push, with remarkable press releases that suggested that:

  1. Maybe, after two years, we had better distinguish "deaths from Covid" from "deaths with Covid", such as Covid gunshot deaths and Covid motorcycle crashes where someone gives the corpse a nose-swab. This strategy would strike George Floyd from being America's black Covid martyr and return him to being America's martyr of police brutality.
  2. Cotton masks never did a damned thing. However, the CDC expressed no opinion on the utility of actress Lena Dunham's signature crocheted mask.
  3. Catching Covid and recovering might be better than getting the injection, although NIAID Director Anthony Fauci most recently raised his target again for declaring the pandemic over, to an injection rate of 105% of the population.

In the U.K., Prime Minister Boris Johnson announced that all countermeasures will end next week. Britons will even take the masks off and remember which of them had bad acne. This development is likely to enthuse the nation, more so than contemplating how Johnson could attend a booze-up in 2020 while he had locked down the rest of the country, and now claim he thought it was a "work event" and brought his laptop. Happily, his Tory allies are fully behind him, with nearly 15% calling for a "Vote of Confidence."

The sudden clarity did not reach the U.S. President, who spent all week preparing for his Wednesday press conference on the almost one-year anniversary of taking office. Stretching the event to nearly two hours to show his impressive non-feebleness, Joe Biden started making problematic statements, such as that his partisan foes in the Senate (also two Democrats whose votes he needs) are "on the side of Bull Connor" (the notorious racist); also that a "minor incursion" into Ukraine by Russia might set the allies to bickering. It was left to Press Secretary Jen Isuzu to state on Thursday that 50 km (32 miles) is the approximate depth of a Russian invasion before the U.S. would slap on "serious" sanctions that would be more painful for Russia than for the U.S. even though they are supplying energy to Western Europe and we suddenly are not.

Australia will be another outlier, neither inviting Novak Djokovic back for the Australian Open nor shutting its Coronavirus Detention Centres (formerly Melbourne), whose food-service contract runs through year's-end.

The armistice against the virus is not without costs of its own. Peloton was the first to convert production to peacetime, halting the lines and preparing pink slips in recognition that all of its $1,495 exercise bicycles will be moved to closets and yard sales, and will not be ridden in either venue, as was always the case before the war.

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