UnNews:God relaxes rules on Heaven access

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21 September 2015

God will grant even non-believers access to Heaven, provided they can fix his HDTV.

VATICAN, Rome -- The Pope has liberated billions of Catholics from their God-faring lives by announcing that Heaven has relaxed the entry rules, due to shortages in skilled labour.

Pope Francis announced in the newspaper La Repubblica that non-believers would be given the "semi-grace" of God, provided they worked hard and didn't break the rules. The Pontiff said that — inspired by the new train station at Birmingham, England — the LORD wishes to modernize the afterworld by creating a privatized, Holy Rail network from the Pearly Gates.

However, Kingdom Come is suffering a severe shortage of skilled deceased workers from the science, research and civil engineering sectors. Pope Francis said: “You ask me if God forgives those who don’t believe, and who seek fundamental answers rather than the faith? I start by saying that God’s mercy has no limits if you go to him with a good price, clean efficient workforce, and funky post-modern design.

"Think of it like a "Pathway to Citizenship." His Holiness' blessed work permit will allow an AutoCAD designer into the Promised Land — even if he was secretly a member of SETI — provided that if Our Father's wishes are then served as a Lamb of God, all sins may be forgiven after taking a Christianship exam, including a test of literacy in the Holy scriptures. God's blessings will also include a criminal background check, in case they may pose a threat to Eutopia."

God wishes Heaven's foyer to look like Birmingham's, including a Burger King, a West Country Pasty Co. van and a Dog and Ferret theme bar.

According to Pope Francis, the ALMIGHTY loved the atrium in Birmingham's New Street Station, describing it as stunning and imaginative, with beautiful lines — far better than the old Roman pillars, crappy fountain, and plastic plants they have in Heaven. Francis added: "His Mightiness has always wanted an arcade in Arcadia with a Menzies newsagents, as he has to wait for a train crash on the East Midlands line to get his hands on a Guardian nowadays."

Some of God's children are not so convinced. St Peter stated that platforms and trains would still be overcrowded, as "aesthetics don't improve function." The keeper at the Pearly Gates added that Birmingham station was "hideous," with "style over substance, as usual with modern design." He also said that Heaven would be lowering standards, allowing access to workers bringing "cheap labour" in a religious sense, to enter the Promised Land on a work visa.

The Pontiff, however, pointed out that God is showing a more progressive attitude to worship when he said recently: “If a top architect is gay and is looking for the Lord's approval for a brilliant re-design that will make Heaven much better, who the Hell am I to judge him? There, of course, will be limits to to the non-believers' "perks," such as only one concubine-per-day. Bread, fish and wine will be free, but they can't touch the Holy Spirits."

Sources[edit]

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