UnNews:GOP chief sues networks

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Straight talk, from straight faces UnNews Monday, July 22, 2024, 07:05:59 (UTC)

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30 October 2015

His Royal Hugeness Chris Christie (R-NJ) was in wide dudgeon over the tone of the questions.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Republican Party chairman Reince Priebus has sued CNBC and other networks for their "disappointing" conduct of the debates for the 2016 Presidential campaign.

Mr. Priebus said he had no way to know, when he signed off on a plan for his right wing party's debates to be run by left wing TV commentators, that the questions would become adversarial, as they did Wednesday night.

Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) got rare face time when he resisted interrogator Carl Quesadilla. Cruz gave a litany of the badgering the panel did to other candidates. "Donald Trump, are you a comic-book villain? Ben Carson, can you do math? Jeb Bush, why have your numbers fallen?"

Or, as Mr. Quesadilla put it: "So! You refuse to answer the questions! And, by the way, your time is up." Several other candidates piled on against the CNBC moderators. But Jeb Bush (R-ExIm) went rogue again, touting his successful week playing fantasy sports. He has a thousand cooler things to do than run for President.

Voters who thought that Cruz merely memorized speeches were enthused he could also spit back other people's words at them, a road to sure success in the capital. The Cruz campaign looks for its poll numbers to surge into double digits real soon, as a Hispano-Republican can criticize a Latino anchorman without being called a racist. Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL), also refreshingly ethnic without the troublesome dark skin, called CNBC a Democrat campaign committee, but Mr. Quesadilla insisted that cash never changes hands. Carly Fiorina (R-HP) retorted that she alone could criticize Hillary Clinton herself, as Ms. Fiorina speaks for all wimmen, especially when Donald Trump claims she has a ridiculous face for a wannabee President.

Mr. Priebus filed his claim for relief in the Court of First Instance at Twitter, where he will ask for the GOP to be assigned a Public Defender. Among the remedies he seeks is for the Democratic Party debates to be moderated by talk radio pit bulls Ann Coulter and Michele Malkin. "Tit-for-tat," Mr. Priebus quipped. But this may be yet another case where, if Mr. Priebus gets his way, it won't matter anyway. After all, Hillary went before Congress and got a list of questions about lying and destroying evidence that would have made Ms. Coulter pant, but was calm and had some sort of answer to every question, most employing complete sentences. Which, the networks say, means she "won."