Right-wing

This article appears to contradict another article: Left-wing. Don't even think about remedying this.

A Typical Right-Winger

Ideology

The Right-wing form of Government is the "right" or "correct" form of government for the United States of America. Everyone knows that everything Right is right (as opposed to the Left-wing sect which believes everything, including themselves, are wrong). There is no dispute in this matter, and when there is, it generally involves a lot of slobbering and excessive phlegm on the part of the one who is wrong.

Therefore, Right-wingers do not have an ideology. They are just Right.

Religion

The Right Wing supports freedom of religion, as long as the worship of the Semitic air god Yahweh, the executed Rabbi-rabble-rouser Yeshvah and their silent partner the Holy Spirit are all involved. It is forbidden to read the sayings of Yahweh or Yeshvah in their original languages, or in Latin, as it is a central plank of being Right Wing that God's commandments are written in English.

Law

The Right are strict constructionists when it comes to the Bill of Rights, meaning that they re-construct the Bill of Rights to serve their ends. Their motto is: "Do as I say, Not as I do"

Famous Right-Wingers

• Adolf Hitler. Generally considered sound on Jews, Gypsies, non-white people and women, Hitler lost it on his preferred language (German), and then blew it completely trying to develop a small, cheap, economical motor-car called the Volkswagen. The United States entered WW2 on the same side as the hated British solely to protect Detroit from cheap German and Japanese imports. This was a mistake. America is strong when it stays on the same side as people with basically the right ideas, even if they do speak German and have funny moustaches.
• Benito Mussolini. Italian dictator and comic actor. Started the tradition of right-wing politicians being corrupt and useless rather than inflexibly moral and ruthlessly efficient. The Italian people keep hoping that his reincarnation will appear and make Italy amusing again.
• Silvio Berlusconi. The latest Italian politician to be mistaken for a Mussolini reincarnation. Donated several free holidays to Antonio Blero (vide infra) but was not given the BBC in return.
• Antonio "Il scozze" Blero. Friend of Berlusconi and anybody else who would give him a free holiday in Tuscany. Famous for donating part of the British Armed Forces to the US ("Lease-lend") and leaving all difficult decisions to his successor when he was forced out of office over so-called "Cherrygate", in which it was discovered that he had been selling peerages on eBay.
• Imelda Marcos. Named after a British sports car made of wood, Imelda Marcos was dictatress of the Phillipines. She was famous for her shoe collection and her worship of Margaret Thatcher. She was driven out by a popular uprising led by the British poetry critic James Fenton, who was not a fan of Mrs. Thatcher, and spent the next 20 years (a) trying to persuade the US Government to reinstate her and (b) writing nasty letters about Fenton to the New York Review of Books.
• Ann Coulter. I would tell you all about her except that I dislike air travel, jump suits and being half drowned while strapped to a piece of wood, and being "rendered" by the CIA to "Gitmo" would cause me to experience all the things I dislike.
• Paris Hilton. She doesn't exactly go on about her political beliefs, but I think that we can assume that driving while banned and paying expensive lawyers to keep her out of jail does not go with membership of the tree hugging hippy wing.
• Barack Obama. YES WE CAN CHANGE the fact that a black man is running the United States, hello KKK.
• Melanie Philips. Unheard of outside the UK and therefore only very locally famous, she is a kind of Ann Coulter on reverse steroids. Described by various sources as "clinically sane."
• Conrad Black, aka Lord Black of Crossharbour. Clinically extremely sane, and not somebody of whom you would wish to say a bad word. Currently on trial in the US for being overly economical with business expenses, contrary to IRS regulations that actually require newspaper publishers to hold hooker and cocaine parties in their Gulfstreams.
• Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin will make an interesting couple...not polyamorous couple, because that's a sin and only liberals do that sexual deviant stuff. We're talking about President Palin and running Mate Beck in 2012! The world is ending! You have nuts and bimbos.

Commandments

• Thou shall stockpile firearms if at all possible. Be sure to mention your "cold dead hands."
• Thou shall Babble for hours on an AM radio station. Occasionally throw in some words from a political thesaurus. Bonus points for words that you do not actually understand.
• Thou shall claim to be pro-life, yet support war, firearms, capital punishment and hunting.
• Thou shall warrant the impeachment of presidents because they lie about the fact that they got laid, but support presidents who aren't even literate.
• Thou shall sacrifice personal relationships, recreation, sleep, health, relaxation and possibly even your one or more of own children for money (A.K.A. the most important thing in the world).
• Thou shall not so much as compliment someone without charging them money (we are not communists like some people are).
• Thou shall love thy neighbor... so long as they aren't illegal immigrants, or gay, jewish, black, atheist or poor...or Mormon...or communists.
• Thou shall not murder (unless it's your job, or you live in Florida).
• Thou shall talk about gay marriage more than homosexuals do when their planning a wedding.
• Thou shall not abort a child, just poison them in the womb with industrial pollution.

Games and Pastimes

A popular right-wing game, called "beat the odds," involves reproducing so much that you become the majority in a two party system. Afterwards, run for president.

Political philosophy

As a political ideology, right-wing proponents believe that government is never beneficial and must be kept small to maintain social order, and that freedom is much better than security (Except in the case of poor people, students and Internet users, which are too stupid to be allowed freedom and so must be made secure. I would tell you why, but that would contravene the Recording Industry Association of America Digital Millennium Compliance Act, or RICO). In order to do this, vast taxes must be levied on poor people to pay for the enormous armed forces, huge bureaucracy, and eye-watering salaries to businessmen and lawyers needed to keep Government small, and keep people free.

Even the French Front Nationale have got in on the act, and not just during the various German invasions. Unfortunately they have got it wrong since their test of Right-Wingness involves the ability to speak French and to distinguish between cheeses made 5 kilometres apart, regardless of ethnic origin or color. Faced with a choice between, say, Paul Wolfowitz and a black, Lesbian, Muslim, French-speaking cheesemaker from the Dordogne as head of the World Bank, the FN would give it to the cheesemaker every time.

Origins

The origins of the Right Wing are lost in the mysterious mists of iniquity antiquity. They probably date to when the first settlers arrived in Virginia and announced "Thank God we've escaped from religious persecution and government tyranny. Now let's kill all those goddam pagan Indians and steal their land!" Unpatriotic history professors claim the etymology of the left and right wing dichotomy lies in the French Revolution, but nothing so beloved by red blooded Americans could ever come from France.

Identification

If you are Right Wing, you want to be identified as such so you don't get pulled over for obeying the speed limit in a red state.

• Redneck..white trash...and blue collar.
• SUV must do less than 14 miles per gallon. (If it does more, put a small leak in the fuel tank. It might get ignited and set fire to that van full of illegal immigrants just behind you.)
• Anti-immigration, will volunteer to patrol Mexican border with submachine gun looking for illegals crossing.
• Has Mexican maid and gardener but does not declare their income for social tax purposes.
• Wants everyone to work or have a job, especially senior citizens with dementia, hospital patients, and those too young to drive an automobile.
• Always goes to a non-mainstream church every Sunday.
• Involved in the big oil or big pharma businesses.

External links

• Home of the Right Wing Conspiracy