UnNews:First-ever openly furry candidate for Congress

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14 February 2015

Getting the House Sergeant-at-Arms to admit the big blue plastic bat could be the candidate's first political crisis.

NASHUA, New Hampshire -- An openly furry candidate is set to run for Congress, the latest in a series of advances for the differently-abled:

  • Eric Holder, the first-ever African American Attorney General with a chip on his shoulder, is to give way to Loretta Lynch, the first-ever female African American with a chip on her shoulder.
  • Oregon Gov. John Kibitzer's surprise resignation makes Kate Brown America's first-ever openly bisexual governor. Kibitzer is out after his financée took $200,000 from environmentalists — despite objecting that the couple planned to have separate bank accounts and that paying bribes to get "green" legislation in Oregon is absurdly unnecessary. It is not clear what Ms. Brown's bisexuality means for state social events.
  • In Maryland, Kristin Beck hopes to become Congress's first-ever openly transsexual member. While a member of the Navy SEALs, she was known as John Rambo. She is expected to support full payment for castration under Obama-care.

The growing trend comes as the LGBTQXZ community succeeds, state-by-state, in claiming to be "married" and demanding equal access to the check-box on Form 1040 for a tax refund. Right behind them are the Amish, who claim their Constitutional right to equality requires a horse-and-buggy lane on Interstate 80. The next Congress might have enough "special" members to support a full-fledged Aspie Caucus, to match "straight" Congressmen, who have chronic ADHD on balancing the budget.

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Congressional candidate is ugly as sin

The field now widens, as the first-ever openly furry candidate, Spike the Dog, has dropped the gauntlet against Rep. Annie Kuster. She was re-elected in 2014 despite being called "ugly as sin," a campaign claim the media refused to fact-check. Spike, a mascot of the city's Minor League Baseball team, has no particular qualifications and it is not clear how ugly he is. Supporters say this means the race starts out virtually tied.

The Republican Party mostly ignores the move toward candidates with "differences," despite internal talks on "expanding the big tent," and punishes any innovators if they come out of the closet. Last month saw the failure of an attempt to replace Speaker John Boehner with the first-ever openly inspiring Republican.

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