UnNews:Ethiopia declares war on Starbucks

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1 December 2006

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ADDIS ABBABA, Ethiopia -- The African nation of Ethiopia declared war on the Starbucks coffee-bar chain Friday, after talks between Ethiopian Prime Minister Meles Zenawi and Starbucks CEO Jim Donald broke down.

Ubangi Starbucks spokesmodel commented, "Mfffmpm mumph ffwwm mmummff."

The conflict began when Ethiopia attempted to register several types of coffee beans as trademarks in the US. Starbucks responded by registering brewing coffee made from those beans.

The situation rapidly escalated from there, with Starbucks currently holding "exchanging boiled water with extract of coffee beans for money or items of value" as a trademark and Ethiopia's application for "making money in any way whatsoever" to be trademarked was turned down.

"The Ethiopian people will not take this insult lying down. We have put up with this for a month now. Where words fail, we shall triumph through arms against the evil Starbucks Corporation," said PM Zenawi this morning.

True to his word, twenty divisions of Ethiopian soldiers and four armored fighting vehicle divisions led by two units of Special Forces commandos stormed into the Starbucks coffee shop in the center of the Ethiopian capital Addis Ababa this morning. The strike teams are expected to reach the front of the queue some time this afternoon.

Starbucks appears to be the stronger of the two adversaries. Ethiopia has a population of approximately 5.1 million and a gross domestic product of $60.2 billion, while Starbucks has 82.7 million employees and an annual revenue of $64.4 billion.

Starbucks has not been slow to respond to the threat. Franchise managers have been sent information leaflets on how to deal with military incursions. Advice from the Starbucks Central Command Bunker includes guidance on how to use the no-security wireless networking hubs built into many Starbucks to broadcast the personal passwords of wifi-equipped invaders, and training courses have been set up to teach staff how to spill coffee with maximum scalding effect and perform terrifying maiming and bludgeoning techniques using only plastic coffee stirrers.

Starbucks is currently in talks with Cafe Nero, Costa Coffee and Dunkin' Donuts to form a coalition to invade Ethiopia and return stability to the market.

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