UnNews:Editorial - Why SOPA and PIPA are good ideas

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17 January 2012

HOLLYWOOD, California -- As most of you may know by now, the folks in Washington are planning to vote on two bills that have become quite controversial -- the Stop Online Piracy Act and the Protect IP Act, both of which will crack down on online piracy and intelluctual property rights violations, while at the same time destroying free speech and other First Amendment rights. As an intellectual property owner myself, I feel it is the best way to deal with IP violations, and I will explain why below.

Our founding fathers -- George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Ben Franklin, Oprah, Jesus, Batman, Santa Claus, Hitler and a bunch of other people -- established copyright in order to protect one's ideas from being stolen. However, copyright is flawed because any kid off the street can just copy the latest Brittany Gaga song and upload it to the Internet without so much as a royalty. We in the entertainment industries need the money -- we only make two billion dollars a year, and some of us have six wives to pay alimony to... and eighteen kids to pay child support to. We can't possibly survive in this economy on just 2 billion dollars. We need more money so that we can shove down your throat a movie, TV show, or album that nobody would want to see, even if it were free.

Now, piracy has gotten out of hand. We have YouTube, BitTorrent, and other sites taking away our hard-earned money. If anybody is gonna lose money, I'd rather it be the liable websites since their access will be cut off if they are found in violation of these policies. More money for us, less money for them.

I know what you're thinking... But you Hollywood bastards have enough money as it is and are just greedy. Not true. Do you realize how much money a typical blockbuster movie costs? -- $100 million! We pay $20 million to the actor and director, and pay the writer a pitiful penny and take all the credit for his work... unless he also directed it. $100 million is hardly enough to live on, let alone $2 billion.

And of course copying it is not fair on those poor defenseless multi-million dollar movie companies. What did they do to us? (okay, no need to list them)

If sites such as Reddit, Wikipedia, YouTube, Amiright, Uncyclopedia, and others want to "go dark" in protest, hell, let them; it's their choice. Me, I'm just happy to violate American's rights as guaranteed in the Bill of Rights. While I do enjoy Cookie Monster singing "Chocolate Rain" or Stu Pickles making choloate pudding, or Drew Pickles singing 80s and 90s cartoon theme songs, copyright is copyright.

Hey, wait a minute... what the hell was I thinking? This is a horrible idea! In the end, everybody will lose. We'll lose money. Websites will lose money. We'll lose our credibility and reputation, as if we haven't already lost it. If either bill gets passed, everydody will be fucked, especially manufacturers of portable devices who no doubt became internationally known because joe public had more cash in his pocket and needed something stylish to play his stolen mp3 collection on.