Tay Zonday
The Chocolate Rain Guy (born Tay Zonday, or less commonly known as Thai Zonday) was an American musician and alchemist. He is best known for his vocal opposition to the chocolate rain cessation theory. After many unsuccessful attempts to disseminate his opposition to the theory, he recently popularized his views in a song that was made famous through a music video on YouTube. He also holds the world record for moving away from microphone more than any other musician, at a record 69 times.
Biography[edit]
As Mr. Zonday creatively pointed out, a peculiar fad of the time in which people would flaunt their enormously distracting bubons while ringing around any rosie that happened to be in the immediate vicinity, or drowning themselves in chocolate precipitation, might have been the cause of multiple unconfirmed reports of babies dying before they sin. His family was in a state of much strife, with his father often beating his entire family with his small penis. After escaping the sexual relationship that he foolishly began with his mother, he tried his hand at his childhood passion of beekeeping — before releasing his online videos in a drunken stupor. Due to his healthy diet that consisted of wine, bread and halfback; Tay Zonday has lived a relatively full life, and has recently celebrated his 575th birthday. Zonday's surprisingly youthful, yet brown appearance has been accredited to his very close, personal relationship with well-known singer/songwriter Michael Jackson. Jackson reportedly referred Zonday to his personal plastic surgeon, who took it upon himself to reconstruct Zonday's facial features so that he may look more like the illegitimate son of Janet Jackson and Kermit the Frog. He has also maintained his youthful appearance through the use of the Philosopher's Stone, or as he calls it, the 'Sorcerer's Stone'.
But hey, at least he ended up better than his brother, Gay Zonday, who ended up working as a slave in the Mexican cartel.
Career in Alchemy[edit]
Early in the 1990s, Zonday joined other famed alchemists; Saint Thomas Aquinas, Toby Keith and Oscar Wilde, who were in the search for a way to transform some random shit into some other random shit. Zonday and Keith joined forces, and the resulting team name was made; Zonday the Alchemy Man and his loyal sidekick, Keith.
Zonday once said, "I know some super secret shit . . . So you don't wanna screw with me . . . Dude" (followed by mysteriously moving away from the microphone). Due to the clash in brain power between the brilliantly intelligent Zonday, and Keith; a man who completely misunderstands the way the world works in every way, and would later write the following song lyrics "I'm just a middle aged middle eastern camel herding man! I've got a two bedroom cave here in north Afghanistan. We'll flip the finger to and give a big boner to the Taliban!".
The duo attempted to transform water in all of its physical phases into something containing chocolate without the physical addition of cocoa. The ultimate goal of Zonday's work was to disprove the commonly accepted Chocolate Rain Cessation Theory, which proposes that the only way to transform water into chocolate, is to use an almost mythical chemical known today as Solderfiend. Scientists agree that after the Big Bang, Solderfiend was completely obliterated in the atmosphere, making chocolate rain a physical impossibility. This could have lead to the extinction of dinosaurs, as they subsisted almost entirely on the falling chocolate. Zonday believes that it is possible to use alchemy in order to chemically synthesize Solderfiend, proving that it could still exist in nature, causing the undetectably small cocoa content of rainclouds in the Amazon. Unlike Zonday, Keith did not have an ultimate goal in his attempts to create chocolate rain, as he was more like a helper monkey who Zonday lured into his laboratory, by waving various shiny objects in front of the window.
"Chocolate Rain"[edit]
"Chocolate Rain" is a song made popular and performed by Tay Zonday. Although it was originally written by Billy Ray Cyrus, Tay has received all the credit for it. Billy Ray has said that he will take Tay to court if he doesn't credit him in the "info" section on YouTube. Tay mentioned Billy Ray for three weeks, but due to receiving 30,000 less views per week, he removed it. After this, his views returned almost instantly. It was revealed in a 2007 interview, that Tay and Billy Ray had a former relationship. It seemed that Tay liked to make Billy swim in his chocolate, and drink his rain. They adopted a child together, who they left in a basement for 38 years. As soon as the baby (now a grown man) was found, it was adopted by Brad Pitt. The baby grew up to be Angelina Jolie.
The meaning of the cryptic lyrics has long been controversial. Many different interpretations have been put forward by various people. However, in a rare tell-all interview with Roseanne, Zonday revealed that he was inspired to pen the song after spending a night repeatedly watching the video 2 Girls, 1 Cup. This revelation led to a long awkward pause in the interview, as Tay did not realize that Roseanne was one of the actresses on the infamous viral video. That part was subsequently edited out in post-production.
In November of 2007, Kenny G covered "Chocolate Rain" on his album, I Suck, But I Still Put Out Albums. This led to Zonday's resurgence in popularity, because they wanted to hear his rendition more than Kenny G's.
Ties with Weezer[edit]
In 2008, Weezer released their third self-titled album, Weezer, But on a Red Background. For the "Pork and Beans" music video, Rivers Cuomo thought it would be a "hip and trendy" idea to bring Tay and other YouTubers to star in the video alongside him and the others. After filming, Tay was banned from ever starring in another Weezer related property as he almost made Brian Bell commit suicide after singing like a drowning wallaby.
Chocolate Rain Cessation Theory[edit]
Chocolate Rain Cessation Theory, which posits the conclusion of the centuries-long meteorological-cum-sociological phenomenon known as 'Chocolate Rain', is based upon one simple principle; all that stays dry, and no one feels the pain. It follows from this premise that babies born will not die before the sin, that we will not be happy living in a gate, and that test scores are not how much the parents make. Since it was first postulated in the early modern period, the theory has thoroughly enriched and substantiated by the scientific community. Widely considered the 'piece de resistance of CRoCheT studies', Nicholas Sparks' popular novel The Notebook, effectively closed debate on the issue. John Stamos is actually believed to be the true originator of this Theory by die-hard fans and "The Stamos" himself.
Longevity[edit]
Although Zonday's life began almost six centuries ago, he did not begin to pursue his career as an alchemist and a musician until he reached the ripe old age of eleven. Despite the flurry of scientific discoveries that defined the Middle Ages, Zonday was unable to make significant headway in his attempts to disprove the Chocolate Rain Cessation Theory. As was custom at the time, he traveled far and wide, discussing the matter with various priests, oracles, and other godlike mythical people and creatures. The answer he received from each of these beings, however, was not what he wanted to hear. It seemed that Zonday would need an appropriate sidekick to help him complete his master plan, and that his sidekick would not be born until approximately half a millennium had passed. Although ignorance and misunderstanding were prevolent in Zonday's society, he could not locate any one person who was quite chocolate minded enough for the job, and he accepted the idea that he would just have to wait until he could locate the legendary Toby Keith as the oracles had promised. To pass the time until he could resume his study of the art of alchemy, Zonday teamed up with the most famous singer, songwriter, writer, poet of our and any time; Anonymous. The two of them began infusing the folk music scene with songs advertising the existence and ill effects of Chocolate Rain. This method of informing the public about Chocolate Rain proved to be a successful way of communicating the key points of the issue to the general public. Zonday's methods of publicizing the phenomenon of Chocolate Rain would later be referenced by other environmental visionaries including Al Gore, who reciently used a very similar method to inform the public about global warming.
Court[edit]
In recent times, children have claimed to have spotted Michael Jackson, unknowing that is was actually just Tay Zonday. Zonday was held in a Chocolate jail cell for a few seconds, before being released into court. When asked how he plead, he yelled out "Chocolate Rain!". It would seem the same crime holds the higher price to pay.
Rivalry with The Hulk[edit]
After slaying the King and blowing up the Death Star, Zonday ventured into some random city where the Hulk was smashing stuff with his emerald fists. Zonday witnessed and felt great pain when the green biatch destroyed his beloved Chocolate, Candy and Dildo Emporium. He vowed to take his revenge on the Hulk, and was then seen running around, slapping some green Barbie dolls around. Weeks later, Zonday planned to break into the Hulk's house, and rape the superhero's dog. However, he was shot by a racist Police Officer.
"There was a negro runnging around at night, I had to do something!". As offensive as this was, he was awarded a Medal of Honour — even though he didn't attend any wars.