UnNews:DNA tests reveal that I am Anna Nicole's baby's father

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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UnNews

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Thursday, November 21, 2024, 18:50:59 (UTC)

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13 February 2007

Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.

This is what it looked like when my virile sperm impregnanted Anna Nicole Smith.

NASSAU, Bahamas -- Authorities revealed on Monday that DNA paternity testing for the late Anna Nicole Smith's baby daughter Dannielyn has concluded. The indisputable and 100% accurate results prove that I am the father. That's right - me. My seed had been planted to produce yet another of my countless, genetically perfect offspring.

Along with the baby, I will inherit the millions of dollars that come with her - booyah!. So all you other claimants can back off now. Fire all your worthless lawyers and go home. And I'll be coming over later tonight to get the keys to my mansion, Mr. Howard K. Stern. You might have been Anna's husband, but before you got married it was me who knocked her up good. Now you can go back to your pathetic little life, only notable because your name happens to be the same as that of the famous radio shock jock.

Oh, and former boyfriend Larry Birkhead - you can suck it too. I know you were hoping for the money, but face it - there was no way that kid was yours. Even with the pound of Viagra you take every week, your organ is as limp as a wilted flower after a rainstorm. Yeah, I know all about it - Anna personally told me about how pathetic you are. That's why she had to cheat on you with me - she needed a real man.

Finally, I have to devote a few words to the high and mighty Prince Frederic von Anhalt. I know that you're tired of your 90 year-old senile wife Zsa Zsa Gabor and just made up the affair with Anna Nicole so that you could get a divorce. But claiming to have fathered my baby? Come on now, old man - Anna would have never slept with you. Especially since you're not even really a prince - everyone knows you were adopted and then bought that title. Anna much prefers virile young men like myself.

Even before the DNA testing was finished, I was certain I was the father. In fact, I think I even know the exact circumstance in which baby Daniellyn was conceived. It was back in September, 2005, when I was enjoying a week of debauchery and gambling in Las Vegas. I ran into Anna Nicole on the strip , and upon seeing my powerful, muscular body, she immediately invited me up to her room in the Bellagio. We did it twelve times that night; twice in the back door. We were both a little drunk, but I don't regret it. This was after her Trimspa regimen, so she was in relatively good shape. Trimspa - I bet that's what killed her. Anyway, it was quite a night. As the jets of the Bellagio fountain made a deafening roar outside, my powerful jet of sperm was impregnating Anna. And nine months later - boom - Danielyn is born. Well, time to finish up this report, as I am in a hurry to go collect my money.