UnNews:Canada goes berserk

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21 October 2006

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Mounties, kinda like U.S. Marshals, but without the wicked gunslinging skills and vigilante attitude, are the international symbol of Canada, despite the fact that the entire RCMP couldn't last five minutes against Wild Bill Hickok.

OTTAWA, Soviet Canuckistan -- Canada's sissy foreign minister has whined to NATO that the alliance's other members must provide more support to the sissified military operation in southern Afghanistan. Peter MacWuss bitched that even a handful of countries could not do "all that is necessary" to provide the secure environment which was needed. Always whining treehuggers, those lousy Canucks.

The country's defence minister has admitted that their sissified 2,000-strong battalion of pansies is to sissy to even take leaks in the woods. "We can't deploy them far from public bathrooms, on account of they don't want to go in fronta other men, eh."

The UnNews's Chet Morningbreath says NATO is growing increasingly frustrated over the unwillingness of the weak Canadians to deploy troops who aren't pacifist hippies to help fight mounting Taliban resistance.

Mr Mackay said he had warned NATO's Secretary General Jaap Hoop de Scheffer that the current situation, in terms of military deployment, could not go on. "We're peace-loving whimps who shave our legs and moisturize every day. You guys aren't giving us the beauty treatments we need. For this reason, we're leaving the fighting to you guys and going back to our beloved Canada to listen to our Rush albums." He then left the room, and since then, Canada has annexed all of Alaska, Maine, New York, Michigan, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Oregon and Washington. U.S. officials, stretched too thin by the "not a quagmire or a civil war (wink, wink)" in Iraq, were unable to offer any resistance, and the northern portion of the United States fell without a single gunshot. The mostly Democratic and Independent Americans welcomed the Canadians as liberators and are currently undergoing negotiations to achieve provincial status.