UnNews:Barry Manilow becomes New Zealand's best weapon
| We have met the enemy, and he is us | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Thursday, April 18, 2024, 23:47:59 (UTC) |
| Barry Manilow becomes New Zealand's best weapon | 
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13 February 2022
WELLINGTON, New Zealand -- The government of Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has cleared protesters from the capital using music.
The protesters were protesting Ardern's Coronavirus measures, or perhaps her armaments measures or her tobacco measures. Some of the protesters were protesting the resulting traffic jam, which impeded them from arriving at the protest. The Kiwis, inspired by the Canadian "Freedom Convoy," camped out in front of the Parliament building in Wellington. However, instead of sending Riot Squad officers or nuclear weapons, the government used the ultimate weapon of mass destruction: Barry Manilow.
The decisive attack followed an indecisive use of the lawn sprinklers, which merely made things more slippery and all the female attendees look like they were in a porno.
Finally, a Parliamentary intern stumbled into The Reject Shop and was able to buy a used copy of Manilow's Greatest Hits for $5. The Speaker, Trevor Mallard, then put his job title to good use and set up a large sound system to play it. After a mere 15 minutes (mostly "Macarena" played on track-repeat), not even members of The Police could handle the torture; they quit on the spot. With protestors soaked and their ears bleeding, they then surrendered. Deputy Prime Minister Grant Robertson said there was a "sad element" to the protest, before smashing the disc.
British singer James Blunt offered his assistance, though the offer arrived well after the crisis was resolved.
  · Feb 13, 2022
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| If Manilow doesn't work, I'll give you a few of my CDs free of charge to help out! |
Sources[edit]
- "New Zealand plays Barry Manilow to repel parliament protesters". BBC, February 13, 2022
- "Cyclone, Barry Manilow fail to dislodge New Zealand anti-vaccine protesters". News.com.au, February 13, 2022
- "New Zealand turns to Barry Manilow songs and sprinklers to flush out protesters in Wellington". ABC, February 13, 2022