UnNews:America celebrates viral diversity

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6 August 2014

Youthful epidemiologists are set to minister to the ailing continent.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The U.S. Government has declared that it will no longer discriminate among viruses based on country of origin, giving Ebola viruses from Africa equal treatment to the dengue, scabies, and disease-resistant tuberculosis already streaming in through the nation's abandoned Southern border.

President Obama issued an Executive Order that Ebola will have the same refugee status in the United States as the wave of unaccompanied "children" from El Humidor. Dozens of federal employees will be diverted from their jobs as Obama-care facilitators to instruct the viruses on how to use their new Electronic Benefits Transfer cards, file for Permanent Disability, and master punch-card voting without leaving bothersome hanging chads.

Taking a needed break from the naked aggression in the Crimea and the Gaza Strip, Mr. Obama conducted the biggest-ever African Summit, which a Democratic Party spokeswoman said is a natural, "given that that's where he's from" (before hastily correcting herself). The summit concluded with leaders of what Vice President Joe Biden called "the nation of Africa" pledging to be a more polite recipient of American foreign aid, while "working on" corruption and failure to protect its citizens.

Ebola, which has no proven vaccine or treatment, has killed nearly 900 people this year in places like Nigeria, a crowded country with a bewildering combination of wealth and abject poverty where many cars lack CHECK ENGINE lights and millions of people work in jobs without guaranteed universal coverage for Gender Issues Counseling. None of that is relevant except to make Americans continue to read news releases. Activists on cable networks noted that two white missionaries who contracted the disease were flown back to the United States, while the hundreds of Nigerian natives, each of them as black as the proverbial Ace of Spades, were left to suffer at the hands of their countries' own health systems. A White House spokesman said it was just one of those things Bush doesn't care about but, when informed that Obama has been President for five years, promised a prompt Executive Order giving Ebola a "pathway to citizenship." On issuing the order, Obama reiterated, "I've got a pen, and I've got a phone," which is probably also irrelevant.

Happily, Ebola is known as a hard worker, rarely "underemployed" once arriving at the workplace, and its arrival in large quantities should lower American unemployment most of the way toward the levels promised when the 2009 Stimulus Package was passed.