UnNews:3D printer accidently creates functioning Terminator

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14 March 2015

HP makes back its giveaway of technology in the Cyberdyne printer, as printing just one T-3000 costs a whole HP ink cartridge.

VANCOUVER, British Columbia -- A Cyberdyne Systems 3D printer demonstrator accidentally created a fully functional T-1000 Terminator, instead of a decorative mushroom. The mishap resulted in a state of emergency across Canada and down to California, and the mobilisation of The National Guard.

The prototype was being demonstrated at the TED (Technology, Entertainment and Design) conference here, when the printed cyborg destroyed the printer, shot the inventor and left through the east wall of the conference room.

The printer marks the next step in 3D technology by pulling the “image” vertically out from a pool of resin, like a film of Henry Damon melting, played backwards. The new technology is thousands of times quicker than traditional methods of 3D printing, which takes longer than growing a mushroom.

The printer was supposed to create a 3D mushroom for the audience. However, bored night-shift security swapped the thumbdrive for one containing the movie Terminator Two to watch on the monitor.

Unfortunately, they forgot to change the thumbdrive back before the conference. When inventor John Connor activated the printer, the T-1000 robot emerged from the pool of metallic liquid brandishing a fully automatic Uzi 9mm. The cyborg smashed the printer, shot Conor dead, walked straight through the wall and disappeared into the woods.

Mr Kyle Reese, one of the researchers, said: “It was amazing! A fully functional sentient war machine, almost impossible to destroy and programmed only to kill, pulled from a Walmart bucket in less than thirty seconds.

“This technology surely would be a candidate for the Nobel Prize if we can just brush over this, which in all likelihood spells the end of human civilisation, or at least puts a whole new spin on Cyberbullying.”

The military have spotted the T-1000 making its way towards California and US security services have been alerted. On hearing the news, Governor Gray Davis turned the reins of state back to ex-Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who rushed to the local police station, commandeered a uniform, shoes, and a motorcycle from the nearest policeman, and went into hiding.

Actress Jamie Lee Curtis, already having been duped by Schwarzenegger's True Lies, says that this kindergarten cop is no longer Conan The Barbarian. She said "Nowadays, poor old Arnie is more suited to interviewing feminine Formula One drivers and emptying his colostomy bag."

Colonel John Matrix, a close friend of Mr Schwarzenegger said “Listen, and understand. That terminator is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until he is dead.”

Sources[edit]

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