UnNews:2016 Dem. convention under way

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26 July 2016

Mayor Rawlings-Blake satisfies the Democrats' quota of officials with hyphenated last names. She will try to sound like Ms. Wasserman-Schultz by filling her cheeks with marbles.

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania -- The Democratic Party nominating convention got under way here without any of the controversy swirling around the Republican Party event.

Whereas the GOP had to deal with a politician's wife cribbing lines that rightly belonged to the politician's wife who stole them first, the Democrats survived the first day with only the surprise resignation of the party's national chairwoman.

Debbie Wasserman-Schultz stepped down to spare her colleagues the need to make up a story that the boos of conventioneers were caused by a rogue YouTube video. Wasserman-Schultz, responsible for conducting an even-handed primary campaign, explained that scheduling the handful of debates back-to-back with NFL football playoff games was merely an attempt to attract new audiences during commercial breaks, and that it was simple Income Redistribution that translated millions of Bernie Sanders voters into hundreds of Hillary Clinton super-delegates.

However, a badly timed document dump from Wikileaks suggested the shocking notion that the fix was in, that Ms. Wasserman-Schultz was trying to skew the process in favor of Ms. Clinton. Ms. Clinton said Wikileaks should have held off the disclosure until a more appropriate date in mid-November, but said it was a relief that the hacker group did not hold out for blackmail or other payment. "This would never have happened if the DNC had kept its emails on a clandestine private server. We have freed up gigabytes on my server above the bidet in Chappaqua, and the DNC could use them for a very reasonable monthly fee in the low six digits, provided it supplies me Perrier and crudites."

The Wikileaks leaks show DNC officials debating whether it would cost Mr. Sanders enough votes to just be a Jew, or whether someone should troll him into admitting he is an out-and-out atheist, which would make him unelectable in backwaters like Kentucky. DNC staff discussed Good Jews versus Bad Jews in language that made Todd Akin's 2014 remarks about Legitimate Rape seem scholarly. But again, the controversy could not hold a menorah to the Republican scandal created when Mr. Trump repeated someone's tweet with a sheriff's star, which is six-pointed, as the Star of David is too, an event that could indicate that Mr. Trump is anti-Semitic or even a "neo-con." Multi-ethnic ex-President Bill Clinton will address the issues on Wednesday; not only has he been called the "first black President," but his wife's pet name for him was "Jew Boy."

Taking the place of Ms. Wasserman-Schultz to gavel the convention open was Baltimore mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake. In her opening remarks, she reprised her role after the 2015 riots after the death of Freddie Gray in police custody and promised to provide "ample space" to those intending to commit mayhem, as well as a smoke-free workplace and protection against possibly hurtful words.