UnNews:"The Interview" to be shown after all

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Sunday, May 26, 2024, 02:15:59 (UTC)

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24 December 2014

Mr. Kim is set to fly to Hollywood to kick off the holiday showing, and perhaps get a meal of something other than tree bark.

HOLLYWOOD -- Sony Pictures has relented and will allow tiny Alamo Theatres to show The Interview, its "goofy comedy" about the CIA trying to assassinate North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un (pictured).

The movie, which was an act of war, was responded to by the reclusive nation with a complete hack of the corporation, which was not an act of war. This is according to President Obama, who also says shooting a robber is racism, but gunning down two New York policemen is not racism, America's other long-running "goofy comedy."

The non-act-of-war put the U.S. Government into a dilemma, and made White House spokesmen insist that the response was, ya know, unknowable and reporters ought not even, ya know, inquire about it. The Internet in North Korea then went down for the long Christmas weekend, as White House spokesmen exchanged glances and snickers and had no comment. This had nothing to do with the U.S. Army. Under Mr. Obama, the Army no longer defends the nation's economic might, which could result in a "war of choice." Its military mission is now "outreach to Islam."

The non-act-of-war put Sony into a bigger dilemma, as it can be sued. Sony pulled the movie from theatres, though the five largest chains quit just before Sony fired them. Alamo's spontaneous decision to show the movie anyway has now led Sony to join the goofy comedy and declare that it "intended to show the movie all along," and to offer Alamo an official copy so that it would not have to use a copy hacked off the web via Torrent.

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FBI: North Korea hacked Sony

The Interview is painfully unfunny until the final scene, in which Mr. Kim's head asplodes, an obvious laugh riot. Sony spokesman George Takei fell back on the Hollywood adage that "there is no such thing as bad publicity," remarking that an international diplomatic crisis is the only thing that would have packed Christmas Day crowds into cinemas to see "this dog." Sony now plans to use Netflix to cater to viewers who want to thumb their noses at North Korea even more than they want to thumb their noses at Sony, for a pay-per-thumbing of $6, though Mr. Kim says his hackers know exactly who will be watching and will dispatch drones to commit mayhem at private homes. That will either be a "dilemma" or a "goofy comedy" too, and certainly not an act-of-war. Sony is slated to give North Korea a suitable gratuity for its role in the promotion — reportedly, two or three nuclear missiles.