The Problem of Evil

"Seriously, what the hell? It's not like I'm gay or anything, it's just that gay bars have the tastiest martinis. Mmm-mmm."

One of the foremost discussions in the field of logic and Christian apologism, the The Problem of Evil has plagued the casual mind since the invention of evil in 1943 by freelance scientist Dr. C. Walken, Ph.D. The argument can manifest itself in a number of ways, the most significant three which will be listed below.

Problem of the Wrecked Car

The Problem of the Wrecked Car, first put forward by Dr. Some Guy Involved in a Fender-Bender On The Way To Work, Ph.D, is one of considerable weight and elegant simplicity. The problem is stated as so: "If there is a God, I'd still have a car and my wife would still love me."

Logically, it was broken down like this:

1. There is a god. (premise)
2. God is omnibenevolent, omnipotent, and omniscient. (Definition of God)
3. If God loved me infinitely, he would make sure that my car is intact and that my wife isn't cheating on me with Tony Shalhoub. (premise)
4. God wrecked my car. (premise)
   1. On the way to church, too. I mean, for fuck's sake. (pr(e/o)mise)
      1. OK, it was actually the gay bar. But I was going to the service right after. (premise)
5. My wife is not only cheating on me with Tony Shalhoub but with every male (and two females) in the cast of Monk. (premise)
6. God does not love me infinitely or is unable to stop bad things from happening. (derived from 3, 4, 5, and my urinary tract infection)
7. No god fitting the definition of point 2 exists. (derived from 6)

Of course, this argument does not necessitate that there is no god, rather that there may be a supervillain god that takes sadistic pleasure out of killing you slowly from the inside. For a more concrete proof, one must turn to other formations of the argument.

Problem of Kicking Little Children in the Face

A secondary formation, formed by theologian and island castaway John Locke, is renowned for combining an ordinary hobby with the nonexistence of God. Simply stated, the problem is: "If there was a God, I wouldn't get my sick jollies out of bashing a toddler's chompers into dust."

1. There is a God. (premise)
2. God doesn't really like people doing bad shit, bro. (Definition of God)
3. God can do anything, and wants everyone to be happy. Right? (Definition of God)
4. Kicking children in the face makes me happy. (premise)
5. Kicking children in the face makes the children unhappy. Which, in turn, makes me even happier. (premise)
6. So, like, someone's going to get the shit end of the stick. (derived from point 4, 5)
7. That's why there is no god. Yeah. (derived from point... 6? 5?)

This argument, although convincing in its logic, omits the fact that God was actually pretty okay with child abuse as a whole (as long as he got a share of the fees).

Problem of Superman being More Powerful than God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit Combined

The final manifestation, however, is the version most often quoted by philosophers, atheists, and 15-year-old rebel punks. It uses the ability of the Son of Krypton to slap down the traditional God like some red-headed stepson. The question is formed, most usually, as: "If God is so great, why did God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit need to enlist Lex Luthor to fight Superman?"

"With the money awarded from this lawsuit, I'll finally be done with the vastly more powerful Superman! Ah-ha-hah-ha-*hack* *hack*"

1. There is a God. (premise)
2. God is all-powerful, all-seeing, and all-loving. (Definition of God)
3. God's mortal enemy is Superman, who credits his strength to a mysterious "yellow sun" instead of claiming it as god-given. (derived from 2)
4. Superman is, at least, eighty times more powerful than Batman, and over ten times more powerful than the Green Lantern. (Definition of Superman)
5. Lex Luthor is a snivelling pile of jockstraps. (Definition of Lex Luthor)
6. God created Lex Luthor to fight Superman. (Scriptures, Genesis)
7. God, if he existed, would just smite Superman with a thunderbolt or something. (derived from 2)
8. An all-powerful or all-loving god does not exist. (derived from 3, 7)
9. Therefore, God, if he exists, is just some pasty fat guy that has cameras everywhere. Like Santa with no chance of presents. (derived from 8)

While Lex Luthor was unavailable to comment due to him being preoccupied with the libel lawsuit against Uncyclopedia for this article, Superman said of this argument "Oh, yeah, Yahweh. He owes me twenty bucks. Said that I couldn't slap him down. But he was wrong, and for that he created Kryptonite, so that every supervillain will have a convenient plot device to explain how their puny mortal forms could outmatch me, the Son of Krypton." God was also unavailable for comment, being on a fishing trip with his three children.

Conclusion

Fundamentalist Christians argue against the problem of evil. This should be reason enough to argue for it, but hey. Formulations of the problem of evil are being retooled and rewritten constantly. Like the Theory of Evolution, the problem of evil is constantly changing, and may one day evolve to a form capable of destroying everything. May Darwin bless their hands.

See also

• God
• Existence of God