Synchronized Drowning
“I love this sport!”
“A true sport for men, maggots and the occasional FHM-lover.”
Synchronized drowning is a sport invented by a Scottish violinist who was drowning aboard the Titanic. A scumbag called egroeG, whose eyes bulged out of his head, then sold crack to the violinist, causing him to grow hysterical and suddenly he had a sudden urge to impersonate an anchor. egroeG was to be the chain and the rest is history. They drowned together, one and all, (egroeG's last words were reported to be"**** you Cameron!") and this became synchronized drowning (also known as The Great Chav Drowning Of 1920.
Rules[edit]
The game is played in twos. The duo tie themselves together with a cow's intestine (preferably from a McDonald's cow as this will decrease global cooling) and are wearing nothing except for a pipe bomb up their left nostril, which is wired to their nipples via crocodile clips (the same applies for women). The duos participating take it in turns to jump into a lake infested with Jaws........................DVDs (apart from Jaws III - that was a load of shite). Whoever dies first, wins, and is rewarded by being buried with:
- A: a moderately wealthy celebrity,
- B: a headless chicken with rabies,
- C: Shammi's goat-legs. (Part #2 available in Kellogg's Frosties).
Fouls/ Sanctions (mainly criticism!) (no!) (yes!) (shut up!)[edit]
Offenders will immediately excluded from the games and shot in the bollocks by the supreme overlord of Cyprus and the EU Boris Johnson
- Trying to survive,
- Blowing yourself,
- The use of heroin-infected mouldy bread,
- and the use of steroids (apart from LSD, crack, Stimulants, Narcotic analgesics, Anabolic Agents, Diuretics, Peptide & Glycoprotein Hormones and Analogue, Alcohol, Marijuana, Local Anesthetics, Corticosteroids,Alcohol and, Beta-blockers, which are all now legal)
Types of gameplay[edit]
- Singles (drown with yourself)
- Emo doubles
- Elf doubles
- Chav doubles
- Terrorist doubles (Extra pipe bombs used)
- Mixed gender doubles *wink*
Facts[edit]
The average life span of a synchronized drowner is 2.54 minutes from the start of their career to the end. Most professionals are under the designated health limit but who gives a ****. However, there is dispute over whether it's played mainly by self righteous stuck up dick heads, emos or filthy chav scum.
Professionals and players[edit]
- Hitler (1942-1943) was the oldest ever player of the sport as he was killed by his mother as he attempted suicide whilst drowning after killing his Jewish drowning partner
- Sid Vicious (1954-1954) was killed by a screaming groupie because of the illegal use of heroin-infected mouldy bread
All of the following competed in the 2000 Baghdad Olympics representing Middle Earth:
- Frodo (2000-2000) was successfully buried with Meryl Streep, a rabies infested chicken called Makan and Shammi's goat legs
- Gollum (2000-2000)
- Gandalf (2000-2000)
- Samwise (2000-2000)
- Pippin and Mary (2000-2000)
- Sauran (2000-2000)The only person to represent the USA
- Batman (2000-2000)
World championship[edit]
After egroeG and the Scottish Violinist brutally drowned to death aboard the titanic, egroeG was reincarnated (seeing that we was a Hindu) into Wacko Jacko, the original purple dinosaur. Seeing as he was the most retarded person to ever touch the face of society he decided to hold the first ever Synchronized drowning world championships (this was ironically the year of the dog) in the holiday resting home of Adolf "Chuckles" Hitler. Oadby. Oadby since then has been the host of the World championships once and has brought a total of £1.50 profit and brought a grand total of 6.7 people to spectate the sport at its fullest.
Animals and Synchronized Drowning[edit]
A more common form of synchronized drowning is synchronized animal drowning. This is done as before except in this form of drowning, world politicians come together to test their pets against one anothers.
Competitors and their pets[edit]
- Gordon Brown:and Fru Fru, his dog
- Steven Harper: and Mr. Chippers, his budgie
- George Bush: and spike, his pet pineapple
- The Dali Lama: and tiny, his pet Tiger
- Batman: and Robin, his icelandic love slave (breed unknown)
- Elizabeth Windsor: and Tony Blair, her pet dog
- Keanu Reeves: and dude, his pet duck
- Selma Bouvier: and Jub Jub, her pet iguana
- egroeG: who was subsequently killed by Sarah Brown for thinking that he was his own pet llama
- Adolf Hitler:and shitler, his pet mongoose
- Harry Potter:and Rufus, his pet wheelbarrow
Disclaimer[edit]
No sloths were harmed during the making of this article. If you don't like it, go f*** a hairy goat or a Chinese slaphead called Zhi Yaoming.