Spidersquirrel
| Spidersquirrel | |
| |
| Phylum | Insectomammal |
| Species | Spermophilus nigroannulatum |
| Habitat | A picturesque dale near you |
| Size | Just right |
| Colour | The colour of money |
| Abilities | Hiding acorns, Zombification |
Spidersquirrels are curious beasties that are an ineffably feisty mix of mammal and arachnid attributes. They have a short temper, are quite shy, and have a bizarre acorn obsession, although this does not form part of their diet.
Origins[edit]
There are many things that are unknown about the genesis of the spidersquirrel.
Many wild rumours theories have stated that it was an accident in a Genetics Laboratory, but the commonly held belief that the real source of their being is in fact much different.
Apparently, it was the spontaneous combustion of a squirrel and a spider, while in an act of fornication, that caused their molecules to fuse to form the spidersquirrel we all know, fear, and love.
Further speculation maintains that it was just a rather unfortunate and very sad teleportation accident.
Habitat[edit]
Spidersquirrels are commonly found in the walls of bungalows, but more usually in the marijuana fields of Jamaica.
Rumour has it that Bob Marley attempted to capture one. He intended to raise it in the ways that would teach it that every little thing would be all right. However, he failed and was fatally bitten and was instantly Zombiefied.
Life cycle[edit]
The spidersquirrel has an amphibious lifestyle, that favours picturesque and photogenic moody glens, and for some reason duck ponds.
Larval stage[edit]
Spidersquirrels hatch from iridescent mauve eggs, into horrid squishy orange and green chequered nineteen legged larvae that head for the nearest body of water, and crawl to the bottom, where they feed on anything within reach. Eventually, they get bored, and start constructing an elaborate chrysalis to embark on their metamorphosis.
Adult stage[edit]
After a period of three weeks and two days, the spidersquirells emerge from their confinement, stretch hugely, and holding their breath, suffer extreme flatulence to break through the surface of the water, to skip across the pond to the shore.
Many do not make it, as they have stupidly set up shop too deep for their gut wrenching propulsion to carry them. They then climb the nearest tree, to start harassing the local wild life, and to move acorns around, while the real squirrels are not watching.
Spidersquirrels are known to breed rapidly, being able to lay over two hundred and three eggs every week.
Hazards[edit]
Spidersquirrels are known for chasing after humans and biting at their nuts until zombification occurs.
Their venom is known to cause hallucinations and extreme hunger, as well as one of the most devastating symptoms that causes men to think Carmen Electra is ugly.
There have been rumours of 167,004 Spidersquirrel related deaths a year, and it is expected to rise over 300,000 each summer. However, these numbers are unverified, due to a cover-up by the Authorities, who blame grues for these deaths instead.
How to kill[edit]
Spidersquirrels are known for being resilient and resistant to illness.
In fact, only one thing is known to kill a spidersquirrel. It is an excruciating process that involves playing the Jonas Brothers or James Blunt at high volumes, eventually causing the creature's ears to bleed. Inevitably, this makes the beastie's head assplode.
Unfortunately, this is dangerous not only to the spidersquirrel, but also to any human beings within a five mile radius, as it may have similar effects on them.
Cuisine[edit]
Spidersquirrels are delicious made into a pie. Well-known British tee-totaller Delia Smith was once imprisoned, charged with WMD offences, for preparing a recipe using fricassee of spidersquirrel, served with antipasta and grits.