Metamorphosis

Metamorphosis is a strange and unnatural process which results from mixing flour, water, and eggs. It usually gives things the ability to fly, but can sometimes give them something more practical, such as an extra leg, or second head, or in some certain exceptional unusually rare cases, turn them into a grue.

The History of Metamorphosis

Ah well, he did make that explodey thing.

The first attempt at metamorphosis was made by a caterpillar with dreams of flying. The scientific community laughed at such a stupid idea, calling it "unethical", "preposterous" and other long complex words with more than four syllables. This first attempt made by that caterpillar resulted in terrible failure, the retarded caterpillar having thought it could substitute the water with cooking oil, which is just crazy, because you can't make anything out of that, unless you used magic. The first successful attempt made, also known as the 5th greatest act of the universe, was made by none other than your next door neighbor, who actually understood the concept of doing things right. Your next door neighbor, slightly unchanged aside from large wings and a glass mug with a few pictures of Santa Claus and Oprah Winfrey on it, then decided to walk outside his house, and wave at you for no particular reason, but probably because you were there. After watching you stare at him for several minutes, he decided to finally pick up the newspaper he apparently came out to get, and walk back inside his house. Albert Einstein, whom had been visiting from the future at that time, became jealous that someone had discovered something more useful than better ways to kill people, and decided to experiment with metamorphosis. This, was a terrible mistake. The foolish Albert Einstein thought he could improve metamorphosis by adding vanilla, but to the poor man's demise, the unstable mixing of the four materials resulted in the creation of cake, killing him and his entire family, whom also happened to be in town. Due to the mysterious reappearance, and even more mysterious disappearance shortly after, of the Einstein family, the authorities decided to investigate. What they found inside that house were unspeakable horrors that still cause God to weep into the night, while at the same time Satan to dance around the room. These horrors include a paper clip, cake, some tic-tacs, and a suspicious map to Wal-Mart (any map to Wal-mart is suspicious). After deciding that all these things really didn't help at all, and much thought, the "authori"-ties instead drove 40 miles per hour over the speed limit back to their station, running over some old lady on the way.

Caterpillars and Metamorphosis

Contrary to popular belief, caterpillars did not invent metamorphosis, they merely tried it, ok? The true creator of metamorphosis was that guy you saw at the store one time. Ingenious and evil, after you went back to your happy little home, and continued living your happy little life, HE continued his plan. The ultimate plan to turn himself into a grue, or at least a really big cat. That guy's terrible plan was foiled, however, when he was stopped by Captain Obvious, who told him he had no flour, the most important property of all in metamorphosis. That guy, feeling defeated and sarcastic, crawled back to his hideous hole at the center of the earth to please himself by rising zombie mole people, among other things.

Exceptions of Metamorphosis

You can't substitute water with cooking oil, so get over that. Don't be a retarded caterpillar. You cannot substitute the flour for ANYTHING, it is the most important part of any metamorphosis, and MUST be used. You can however substitute the traditional chicken eggs used in metamorphosis with magical dragon eggs, which have the marvelous added effect of giving you flame breath (add some garnish for an extra touch). Another exception is the fact that metamorphosis doesn't always work. If you add vanilla, for example, or if you just don't mix it properly or bake it for too long. In some, only some, attempts at metamorphosis, you will be turned into a grue. However this has not happened yet, and probably never will, due to rising gas prices. However, due to typos, some people have been burned into grues while attempting grue metamorphosis, and this result is far less exciting, usually causing the person to cry.

Cake's Connection to Metamorphosis

Don't let it happen to you.

As some of you may have learned from the instructional video found on the website of the invisible link on this page, performed improperly, metamorphosis can and will result in cake.

Why's that you ask?

If you are unable to harness the endless potential of metamorphosis, you'll probably land yourself a cake. Any fools unable to properly perform metamorphosis, will learn of their foolishness the hard way: killing of by their own grotesque creation. One way to avoid such an untimely demise, is to pay better attention to your shopping list while collecting the necessary materials for metamorphosis. This will avoid unnecessary death and suffering just because you picked up the wrong thing, or were Cheap and got a worse brand only because you thought it was just as good. WELL YOU WERE WRONG!! Cake will form whenever and wherever metamorphosis is performed improperly, and you will die.

How can this all be avoided you ask?

Simply watching your hands as you take things off the shelf, as well as occasionally reading the labels of each material carefully, are both simple and easy ways to prevent cake from forming in case you accidentally screw everything up. Making sure your neighbor is not watching you through your window again, waiting for you to leave the room so they can use their hidden mental powers to steal your metamorphosis for their own, is a good way to prevent cake from forming, as your neighbor will more than likely add a few extra ingredients, ruining your hard work and dooming the neighborhood.

What am I talking about, your Neighbor baked you a pie once you ask?

Deep down inside that seemingly neighborly, pie-baking person, there's an uncontrollable evil just waiting to unleash cake upon the world, so next time your nice neighbor bakes you a pie, shove it in their face, as pie is probably their ultimate weakness so doing that will destroy them and keep them from stealing your metamorphosis and ruining it and killing everyone.

Preparing and Using Metamorphosis

For the initial preparations of metamorphosis, you must gather the three great properties, not four, nor two, and five is right out. Only three. Flour, water, and eggs. If you wish to have flame breath after metamorphosis, or if you want the chance of becoming a fire-breathing grue, then make sure to exchange the chicken eggs for dragon ones. Mixing metamorphosis too much will likely result in cake, so the only way to be sure you mix it just right is to either never mix it, or continue mixing it until the end of time, where cake can't do much anyway. The only way to properly bake metamorphosis is to ask someone who already has flame breath to bake it for you. That guy at the store created metamorphosis by using an old gas burner, and that's just evil. After your metamorphosis is complete, you'll probably have wings, unless you've been turned into a grue, or have been killed by cake. If you HAVE been turned into a grue, you'll have to repeat the entire process over again in order to get wings, or if you forgot to add dragon eggs instead. And there you have it, congratulations on getting your new wings and/or large fearsome teeth and brown fur and/or flame breath.

What to do with metamorphosis

After metamorphosis, you can pretty much do whatever you want, now that you have giant freakin' wings. What I like to do is fly around instead of walking, as walking is for people who haven't discovered metamorphosis yet, and therefore don't deserve to fly and shouldn't try it. Just don't get sucked into a jet engine or run over by a flying grue, you'll have wasted your metamorphosis, and if you're going to do that then just give it to somebody who's better at flying, or wants to be a grue more than you.

The Handing of Metamorphosis Over to the Caterpillars

At this point you're probably aware that the caterpillars did NOT invent metamorphosis. So why do they use it almost everyday? Good question. Shortly after your neighbor discovered metamorphosis' secrets, he felt he needed to share them with something really stupid, just to see what would happen. Conveniently enough, the leader of the caterpillars decided he too wanted to do something that would make his race look really stupid while at the same time giving them something to do. Your neighbor approached their leader, declaring he could give him something to do. Their leader was delighted in this news, immediately accepting the offer. This great trade of nothing for metamorphosis came to be known as the Your stupid neighbor traded metamorphosis, one of the greatest things ever, to some caterpillars for nothing in return trade. Having a great impact on us all indeed.

What the caterpillars did with metamorphosis

After scamming your neighbor out of metamorphosis, they instantly became addicted to it's power. Those disgusting caterpillars started using it all the time, it became a lifestyle to them. With nobody to stop them, since everyone thinks caterpillars are stupid, and it's not like they aren't so who cares anyway, flying caterpillars started appearing all over the place. These new, flying caterpillars instantly became a worldwide threat. The world's leaders held meeting after meeting, most of them having an awful lot to do with who's turn it was to wage war, rather than solving the problem, before finally coming up with a solution. Our world's leaders decided to ignore the flying caterpillars and get on with our lives, despite the rising death rates due to the increasing threat of the flying caterpillars. As more and more people fell to these flying caterpillars, we decided it was too much, and so to satisfy their vague, unexplained anger, we let some retarded kid name them. Since the kid was retarded however, he gave them a stupid name which is what most people now refer to them as.

Kill them.

What you should do if you see a flying caterpillar

Kill it. Whatever you do. If you are ever involved in a flying caterpillar encounter, you must kill it as soon as possible, by whatever means possible. If a flying caterpillar spots you, it will mercilessly tear all the flesh from your bones. Kill them before they kill you. Flying caterpillars are horribly aggressive towards humans, due to being given such a retarded name by them. Caterpillars will never forget this mistake on our part, so we have no choice but to annihilate them all. Due to the caterpillars separate discovery of cloning, however, this is a very difficult task, and will most likely prove as an advantage to the caterpillars in the third world war. All flying caterpillars must be killed, destroying their cloning tanks helps too.