Soviet Onion
“In Soviet Russia, Onion cry over you!”
The Soviet Onion (Russian: Советский Респюб-лук) was a smelly vegetable that Russians ate with Borscht. It was a red onion and commonly wielded a Kalashnikov Rifle. It hated Westerners and the Capitalist Pig and could speak Communist fluently. It was one of the major participants in The Great Patriotic War and the Seventh Red Onion Brigade and liberated Stalingrad from occupation.
Early childhood[edit]
The Soviet Onion or as he was known at birth, David Bowie was born on November 7th 1917. His Father was Vladimir Lenin and his Mother was Nikita Khrushchev. Even at this age, he made people cry, and cry HARD.
He went to a Bolshevik Public School in which he learned solely of the Glory of Communism and how to play the Balalaika. At the age of 10, he could sing and play the Hymn of the Soviet Union on his Balalaika. He went to a Private Presbylutheran School. However, for teaching religion in a Communist Country, the teacher, Leon Trotsky was taken away and killed with a Hammer and sickle, much to the enjoyment of the students. After this "incident", The Soviet Onion was home schooled by his Mother, Nikita Khrushchev. Nikita Khrushchev ironically knew nothing so he graduated the class with the knowledge of a North Korean fifth grader and more stars on him than Leonid Brezhnev
Military career[edit]
At the age 24, he joined the Red Army and went to war against Mexico and Nazi Germany for control of Afghanistan and the area surrounding the Volga River. On April Ninth, 1942 he was promoted to the rank of Podpolkovnik and put in charge of the Seventh Red Onion Brigade. From Moscow he and his unit pushed south to the town of Stalingrad, in the process, killing 21 Nazis and only losing 2 of their own. During this march, the Soviet Onion and the rest of Seventh Red Onion Brigade took a short sidetrack to the Whore of Europe. During this, the Soviet Onion and the rest of the Red Army discovered the joy of War Rape. This would inspire later events such as the Red Army Invasion of Manchuria and the rape that followed. Upon arrival at Stalingrad, an order came in from The Soviet Onion's Uncle, Joseph Stalin that the Mexicans were advancing and would soon be at Stalingrad. He and his unit were told to stay put and defend Stalingrad at all cost.
Afghanistan[edit]
In 1941 the Nazi invaders invaded Afganistan. His unit was destroyed by a German T-34 tank, which he blew up with a Soviet Panzer 4 tank. The cowardly Nazis ran away yelling, (translation) "OH SHIT, AN ONION!" They were shot multiple times and reanimated to resemble vaguely human-shaped large piles of guts floating in midair.
Battle of Stalingrad[edit]
The Soviet Onion and his unit found themselves holed up in Stalingrad in preparation for another Mexican push deep into The Motherland. As the Mexicans advanced on the town, he and his unit rushed into battle and killing every Mexican in their path. Suddenly, confronted with the heavily armored and powerful Mexican C4RT31 Tanks, The Soviet Onion quickly pulled the pin of every grenade on his grenade belt and flung himself under the advancing treads of the tanks. Killing himself in the process but stopping the Mexicans from taking the city and destroying an entire Division of tanks. In his honor, he was awarded the Hero of the Soviet Union Prize. Which, of course means nothing if you're dead. Many cried, not because of his physical strain but because of the rotten juice which burned peoples eyes almost as much as Lady Gaga's Band-Aid costume thingy.
After death[edit]
Upon his death, the Soviet Onion was returned to his native home of Vladivostok, that one cold snowy town on the Pacific Coast. His body was then cut to pieces while the people cried due to the Onion Fumes. The pieces of his body were used to make The Holy Borscht. This Holy Borscht was kept in the Church of the Episcopal Soviet Onion. Of course, all participants were killed because religion is illegal in Communist Countries.
Cult of personionality[edit]
The Soviet Onion was posthumoursly awarded the Order of Mother Heroin (not to be confused with Heroine), for having more than 10 onion skins, and the Pilot-Cosmonut of the USSR for his 10 space flights to the moon. This made him a national hero and earned him many idolators, some of whom tried repeatedly to get a fried piece of his skin from the FleurBurger 5000, thats costs $5,000. (Just google it) Other fans, having access to a Computer and wifi, realized that the Soviet Union were the evil Russian AK-47 totting communists impersonating as the Soviet Onion, and sought to photoshop every single piece of Russian propaganda they could find on Google Images with their Hero's smack supplies.
Conspiracy theory[edit]
There is a popular conspiracy theory that claims that Vladimir Lenin was a mushroom, and was the creator of the Soviet Onion. Although never officially proven by the Illuminati, mushroom enthusiasts continue to spread the truth, in the same process as they spread their spores.
So basically, Lenin ate ungodly quantities of mushrooms, which resulted in him transforming into an actual walking talking mushroom. The mycelium controlled him into starting the Russian revolution, and overthrowing the Tsar (which was known to be a celery). Lenin then spread his spores onto an onion plantation, thus creating the Soviet Onion.
What goes well with mushrooms? That's right. Onions. Big, juicy, red onions. It was the plan all along.
Ok, now about the communist symbol. It has a hammer and a sickle. It is obvious that the hammer is a mushroom, and that the sickle is a banana, but where do the onions come in? For that you need to think outside the box. Literally. The background is the Soviet Onion, in its whole red glory.