Snips, snails and puppy dog tails

A popular biology poster found in many schools and universities.

Snips, snails and puppy dog tails are the three main, and only, biological components of human males during their pre-adulthood. The phrase itself is part of a well-known quote:

Snips, snails and puppy dog tails,
That's what little boys are made of.

This non-rhyming couplet was first published in 1871 in Afterthoughts in Human Anatomy by Professor Leonard Strauss-Bobo and has since become part of popular lexicon.

Despite traditional beliefs about anatomy, as well as overwhelming evidence, humans are not made of cells, or this so-called "DNA"... if that is its real name. Indeed, every part of the human boy is made of snips, snails and/or puppy dog tails.

Explanation

Before one can really examine infant-boy anatomy, it is important to determine exactly what the three vital ingredients are.

Snips

"Snips" quite literally means "something snipped or cut". Historically it has been used to refer to a short or small person, or an object that is generally lacking in size or potency. Therefore in this context it obviously alludes to the penis.

Much like how the rhino's horn is actually made of hair; boy hair actually made of boy horn. Close examination of either is not recommended by the science community at large however, nor by the law in most countries.

The short, stubby, slimy fingers that are observable in all male children are thought to be a symptom of the same thing, as are the tongue, the toes, the nose, the spleen, the appendix and the ribs. Interestingly, the penis is not made of penises at all, but that will be discussed under the section header "puppy dog tails". It is also worth noting that the male brain is mostly made up of penises, but please don't tell the feminists.

Snails

Snail is a common name for a breed of coil-shelled mollusc. Various parts of the young boy's body are comprised of snails, including, but not limited to, the testes, the blood and, of course, the snail-glands.

The skeleton is made up of billions of snails, compacted together to such an intensity that they form a solid bone structure. And the epidermis, or skin, is essentially a sort of "snail paste" that has been rolled out and left to dry. Paler snails such as the common garden snail will result in a Caucasian boy, whereas the cooler more exotic turban snail tends to be more commonly found in black boys.

Aw it's so cute

Detractors of the theory have pointed out that if humans are indeed made of snails, does this not mean that humans are also technically gastropods? Strauss-Bobo countered this in a further paper, stating that it needn't be snails, per se, but could in fact be slugs, frogs, salamanders or any number of the small, disgusting creatures that young lads find so fascinating and squishable.

Puppy dog tails

Puppy dog tails are the tails of young dogs.

Puppy dog tails are used to make the penis, not cock-meat as was previously thought. Naturally this presents the problem of shaving for young boys, who may or may not choose to shave their slightly furry member. It also presents the problem of tail wagging, which excited young boys often find impossible to keep in check.

Comparison to other anatomies

The anatomy of little boys may seem comparatively simpler than that of little girls, whose components include the incredibly vague umbrella term "everything nice". However, the broadness of the term actually means the make-up of little girls is fairly simple. Most girl parts are quite nice in themselves, so no other ingredients are really needed. Even sugar and spice are barely used given that the designers had the option of using breasts and vaginas.

Once they reach adulthood, little boys develop further and lose these three recognisable traits. As for what big boys are made of, a quick Google search should illuminate the curious anthropologist. Just don't do it in polite company.

Some humans are unlucky enough to be born deformed, like this young man, who was sadly born without a snip.

Criticism

Many are still sceptical, and will not accept the theory that little boys are made of just three strange ingredients. People originally scoffed at the idea of DNA too, so this is only to be expected. Detractors cite the fact that you can't see the snails or tails, but this of course is because they are so small (or, in some cases, mashed up). Additionally, humans are usually covered in clothes meaning you can't always see their bodies. Hundreds of years of anthropology are hard to let go, but if people will accept that physics is actually just gnomes, then they will eventually accept this, in time.

Critics have also complained that the theory is confusing: if other smaller life forms (i.e. snails and puppies) are the building blocks of humans, then what are the building blocks of snails and puppies? Shouldn't they also be taken into account? Unfortunately, anthropology is primarily concerned with the study of humans, so they have no idea. One can assume that, like boys and girls, molluscs and dogs are also assembled from three similarly ridiculous components. One theorist has suggested "beef, cheese and the teeth of geese" as their genetic make-up, while another posited that they are made of "tape, grapes and a statutory rape". The study continues...

Human cloning

Due to the fact that snips, snails and puppy dog tails are much more easily acquirable than DNA, human cloning is now a part of everyday life. Sometimes, like when a puppy trips over a snail and lands on a penis, it even happens by accident.

Snips, snails and puppy dog tails

Contents