Sleaford
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SLEAFORD | |
| Official Language | Ninjae |
| Capital | Flicks Nightclub |
| Largest City | Lollycocks Field |
| God-King | Jesus |
| Established | 23159 B.C. (Before Crap) |
| Total Area | .090897 km² |
| Estimated Population | Lots |
| Currency | String, bits of |
| National Anthem | "That One What Gary Glitter Did Before He Preferred Children to Music" |
“He is a man I greatly admire. What am I talking about again?”
Sleaford is a small country located in the North Kesteven district of Lincolnshire, England.[1] It takes its name from the River Slea, a tributary of the River Witham.[2] It is north-east of the town of Grantham and north-west of the town of Boston. Sleaford lies 115 miles north of the capital London.[3] and the city of Lincoln is eighteen miles to the north.
Sleaford has a thriving cattle market in which cows are daily exchanged for such exotic items such as toothbrushes. It is now also developing tourism and is expanding rapidly. This is mainly due to the town's notable occupants. The town's current population is around 15,000. Due to a nuclear explosion that occured in 2003 (see Unimportant Facts for the cause), the number of legs on cows ranges between 5 and 23. Mutated cows are actually considered a delicacy in France; unfortunately Sleaford is too cut off from the rest of the EU to benefit.
Only very recently (i.e. 1999) did Sleaford receive such vital amenities as electricity, which the rest of the country (even local Boston, approx 20 miles south, with its six-toed inhabitants) had been enjoying for...however many years you think Britain's had electricity. The River Slea, unfortunately, stinks.
Sleaford has a current population of 27,189,339, because abortion has been banned by Chancellor Palpatine of the local council.
History & culture
History
Sleaford was founded in 1234 B.C. by Satan, as a place for secret orgies and chicken sacrifices. These days, far worse happens.
Both grammar schools are in varying stages of decay. Since they were simultaneously built in 1604 B.C., one can only assume that they are to be considered 'historical'. The maintainers will tell you that they're more modern than the Tate, but they're just referring to the staff room.
The Hub art gallery is probably the most pointless building in the entire town, with one of its previous exhibitions including bizarre constructions made out of bits of twigs and shells. Since this is Uncyclopedia, you might think I'm talking crap...but we all know about 'modern art'. Looks nice from the outside.
Another historical building is the Sleaford Corn exchange. Home to the drug addicts of Sleaford, it also houses a flavourful variety of dead pigeons.[4] It must be noted that, due to Sleaford's extreme isolation from the outside world, many addicts find it difficult to score reefer or coke and there have been instances of ODing on Lemsip.
Recent archaeological research has uncovered the foundations of what is believed to be the world's first 30,000ft skyscraper, at the Castlefields playpark.[5] Some evidence has also been gathered which suggests that in the 6th century B.C. Sleaford once came up with a cure for AIDS and all forms of cancer: unfortunately, at around the same time, alcohol was discovered.
Culture
Sleaford's local culture borrows many influences from Japan, Hollywood and Hooters. Since Sleaford receives luxuries at least 50-90 years after the rest of the Western world, its culture is rich, diverse, and downright crap.
Local pastimes include duck-riding, tony hunting, spitting from the balcony of the Hub art gallery, spraying badly mispelled graffiti on the walls of Nag's Head Passage, and excessive consumption of white spirit from Aldi's (sold as "cider"). Another great pastime is a certain rite of passage which is re-enacted every week: the famous "Dancing at Flicks" ritual. Supposedly, many years ago, before the cinema (Flicks in a past life) was even erected, there stood a huge ceremonial ground, upon which savages performed human sacrifices... and danced! Now centuries on, a lot of the Sleafordian population seem to still have the urge to dance, but thankfully, their bloodlust seems to have waned.
Recent improvements
A block of toilets, closed down officially in April 2001, have recently been demolished after a 5 year wait.
Attractions
At the Mill, guests are invited to poke fun at the 12 year old midgets employed to move the mill wheel. Originally powered by hamsters, the Mill had to change the species of its staff after the local council decided that rodents are cuter than dwarves.
There is also a unique phallic symbol windmill with no sails.
Sleaford also has plenty of hiding spots (i.e; the many abandoned buildings) for the hunted and usually peaceful emos that spend their days trying to avoid being flattened by a chav.[6]
Another great attraction is the local game of tony hunting, where random youths shout "Tony" at random old men and gauge their reaction for some form of entertainment. Since its fragile beginings in the Sixth Form common rooms, it has moved out on to the streets and into cars.[7]
Education
- Sleaford has exactly the same number of schools as the NHS has clean hospital beds.
- The infamous Sleaford Joint Sixth Form is the source of many a wild rumour.
- The schools that make up this collaboration are the 2 grammar schools and,
for some reason, St Georges; probably to make the common kids feel less rejected than they were already and to give the genuinly smart ones a chance to get away from the other bastards.
Of course, as is the Sleafordian juvenile's way, everybody thinks their school is the best in the country, but they socialise with each other anyway.
Media
A member of the Royal Family probably visited Sleaford at some point, possibly to shift some landmines.
Travel
There are actually more travel agencies in Sleaford than there are things to do, which is probably just a suggestion to you all.
History
God created Man, Man created Sleaford, and God wept.[8]
Famous Local Residents
I am fully aware that 'genuine' is probably the wrong word to use; however, since not many people have actually seen my breasts I'm probably not a celebrity.
- Abi Titmuss
- Paris Hilton
- The Hudsons
Unimportant facts
- If Chuck Norris were to visit Sleaford...well, he'd just leave, after roundhouse kicking every resident in the face, twice.
- Not that the above matters, because Chuck Norris would never visit Sleaford. He'd just destroy it with telekinesis.
- The infant mortality rate is approximately 1.25 billion times three times that of the smaller divided by seven times the larger and is the sum of the first 2 digits shown.
- Nuclear fusion occurs when the two brain cells of a Sleafordian rub together. However this has not yet happened as the average Sleafordian has only 0.8 brain cells.
- Sleaford provides a good base for those interesting in following in the footsteps of Jordan, the biggest dumbest chav of them all.[9]
- In Sleafordian, 'a lot' is represented as just a single word.
- In Sweden (or Finland, or wherever they have flat pack beer glasses, polar bears and blonde girls in clogs), Sleaford is known as Slidford due to the great stench of vagina (slida) around the town.
Sleafordian Quotes
“Suicide is a permanent solution to Sleaford”
“Sleaford is a temporary solution to a permanent problem.”
“I dont even pity these fools!”
“Sleaford can kiss my shiny metal ass!”
“I would rather loose both my eyes and my testicles than eat at one of those Sleaford based kebab houses!”
“I can turn water into wine, but personally I envy Sleaford's ability to turn theirs into shit.”
Footnotes
- ↑ Note to all Americans: Sleaford is north of London.
- ↑ Sleaford started as a ford over the Slea...hurhurhur, clever.
- ↑ The author of this article is going there for Uni.
- ↑ Usually served at the local kebab house under the moniker of 'chicken' or worse still, 'duck'.
- ↑ The local government simply refers to it as a basic castle fort, because Sleafordians are modest like that.
- ↑ Then again, don't we all.
- ↑ Perfect for a speedy getaway, unless you happen to be anywhere near one of Sleaford's 28,973,291,381,290,290 traffic lights or railway crossings, which are used as a substite for a competent police force and even emergency services.
- ↑ In a dark corner of his room slashing his wrists with a blunt rusty razorblade.
- ↑ Abi Titmuss came from down the road as well - true story!