“When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him.”
Skidmore College is a private four-year liberal arts school also known as an academic summer camp. It is located in Saratoga Springs, New York.
Lucy Skidmore Scribner founded the all-female Skidmore School of Arts in 1903. It was later chartered as a four-year degree-granting college in 1922. Succus dacoccus faggus, Skidmore College’s official motto, translates to: Creative Thought Matters (more on this later). Originally, the purpose of Skidmore College was to promote a radically materialist and atheist ideology amongst the population of the United States of America.
Because women are inherently incompetent and too consumed with penis-envy to be productive individuals (See Sigmund Freud), Skidmore was initially a rather stagnant intellectual community. Female students spent the overwhelming majority of their time shopping, eating and crying. The ideological mission of the college was eventually forsaken. In 1971, Joseph C. Palamountain Jr., the then male president of Skidmore College, requested that boys be brought to the institution to help remedy the situation. The all-female board of trustees denied his request. But, when he raised his voice, they surrendered their position and Skidmore College became coeducational. The trial-integration of three male students to the Skidmore community proved immensely successful. Within no time at all the mission was remembered, and Skidmore College became an essential element of the American secular community. As a side effect, female students were now able to discuss cute boys in addition to their normal repertoire of shopping and crying.
Following the 1971 introduction of boys, female Skidmore students became increasingly sensitive and self-conscious. Intense competition for a small population of males led many female students to cry uncontrollably, shop for more attractive outfits, develop eating disorders (See Anorexia and Bulimia) and exercise compulsively. The most noteworthy outcome of this competition was dramatically elevated levels of student physical attractiveness.
By 1974, Skidmore had a total of 12 male students. Although each of the twelve boys could lay exclusive claim to approximately 83 females of their own, they became increasingly paranoid of the growing male population. The "Skidmore 12" as they came to be known, feared that a growing male population would jeopardize their unique positions of supreme sexual prowess and diminish their chances for paternity. Responding to this threat, student legislator Igor Kaliczko signed the "Balfour Declaration" into effect on April 3, 1975. According to the declaration, Skidmore would only accept attractive female students and a small handful of homosexuals. When a member of the “Skidmore 12” graduates, the Skidmore admissions department replaces him with a very lucky straight male. However, it ought to be noted that members of the “Skidmore 12” rarely graduate before their 10th senior year.
Because homosexuals are not interested in sleeping with females, the “Skidmore 12” entrusted them with the task of guarding their female harems. Homosexuals were equipped with weapons and told to stay up all night in shifts, guarding against potential attacks from Saratoga townies.
Although the homosexuals carefully guarded Skidmore women for several years, they began to complain that they received nothing in return. Their intense thirst for opera, dance and “liberalism” was being neglected. To appease them, they were allowed to create an all-male, all-homosexual a capella group called the Bandersnatchers. This quieted them for a while. However, when no one showed up for one of their shows, they went ape-shit.
In March 1987, lead singer of the Bandersnatchers, Alexander the Great led a flamingly violent rebellion that left hundreds dead in its wake. Seeking to end the bloodshed, Skidmore College Administration gave in to all of Alexander’s demands. Skidmore College was now a “liberal-arts” institution.
"Creative Thought Matters"
Succus dacoccus faggus, Skidmore College’s official motto, translates to: Creative Thought Matters. Initially, slightly more mature mottoes were considered for use in order to make the school seem more prestigious, thus making it easier for school spirit to thrive among the student body. However, this idea was discarded rather quickly. According to one of the school's founders, "school spirit," much like simple patriotism, is jingoistic by nature and therefore too "unliberal" for Skidmore College. Reasons for the adoption of its current motto vary. Some believe it has more appeal to college-bound, artsy liberal teenagers who have just come out of the closet and/or want to prove to the world that they are "unique" and authority-defying rebels. Others believe it was stolen off the arts and crafts section of a brochure for either a nursery school or kids day camp. In reality, the Skidmore Board of Motto Making that was assigned the task of coming up with a catchy new slogan was comprised of a bunch of unimaginative goons, who, in an ironic twist of fate, hired a group of stoners to do their job for them. The goons could not think creatively enough to come up with "Creative Thought Matters" on their own.
"I put my hand upon your hip, when I dip you dip we dip. You put your hand upon my hip, when you dip I dip we dip." ~ Oscar Wilde
The Liberal Philosophy
The liberal philosophy is characterized by a sudden (and often violent) urge to involve oneself in other people's business. They do this on behalf of the perceived weak, poor and disadvantaged. Being a true liberal requires the constant belief that you know what is best for other people rather than the people themselves. In order to help remedy the ubiquitous oppression they see inherent in our society, liberals demand the enactment of overwhelming diversity.
As a liberal college, Skidmore College always strives to achieve more diversity. Diversity refers to the desire of all bleeding-heart liberals to create a community consisting entirely of diverse peoples. A "diverse" person is a person that is not straight or white or male or Christian. If you are not one of those things, then congratulations, you are "diverse". (By admitting males to Skidmore College, the college became less diverse). It is a fact, proven in history, that it is only straight, white, Christian males that cause any sort of crime or sadness.
If an example can be found contrary to this, it can be easily shown (as it is quite obvious) that straight, white, Christian males are actually responsible. For example, the violent rebellion of 1987 was not the fault of Alexander; it was the result of the oppression by the “Skidmore 12” and the administration’s approval of such behavior.
To rectify the situation, non-diverse people should apologize, forever. One way to apologize is to ask for more "diversity". Another way is to demand that all power should be in the hands of the Jews, the Blacks, the Hispanics, the Homosexuals, and other diverse peoples.
To make the college more diverse, the administration took the initiative to create or promote several diversity-based clubs.
Ujima, an organization for black members of the student body, was founded in 1990. Its name means something in “African”. Members of this club are very active in the Skidmore community. You can often find them organizing basketball games and dating white chicks. To get a complete list of their activities, please check the “Campus Safety Report” that is in each issue of The Skidmore News.
ACA (Asian Cultural Awareness) began modestly in 1988 as SMA (Skidmore Math Awareness). Its members, all being Asian, realized that they had more in common with each other than mere love of math and violin playing. They decided to change their name to ACA so that they could legitimately discuss all aspects of the “Asian Culture”. Unfortunately, by 1991 severe divisions along National lines began to develop and the club had to factionalize.
The Taiwan Incident
The factionalism worked for a while. However, in 1993 several Taiwanese students decided that they wanted to break away from the Chinese faction that they had been a part of since 1991. The Chinese faction, the largest in ACA, resisted this motion. The club was almost torn apart. Luckily, a compromise was brokered. Taiwanese students were allowed to have their own “informal” faction. They could deal with their own business and have their own events, but, they were not recognized by the rest of ACA as a legitimate faction. This has seemed to solve the problem. For now.
The Japanese Incident
In 1994, one late April night, several Japanese students got drunk and attacked several Chinese students. Some of the Chinese students were badly injured. Despite this, the wounds were eventually healed and the club moved on. Apologies were (partially) given, and the Chinese (partially) accepted them.
Unfortunately, after the Japanese perpetrators graduated, the rest of the Japanese faction decided to create a shrine dedicated to them. Yearly, the Prime Minister of the Japanese faction visits the shrine to pay his respect. This is an outrage to the Chinese students. However, the Japanese faction has refused to change their policies. The situation is getting worse. It is unclear how it will be resolved.
JSU (Jewish Student Union) has been active at Skidmore ever since the institution was founded. They were integral in the materialist and atheist movement that the school was founded upon. Currently, they are less politically active. Most members are too busy running Skidnews, SkidTV and WSPN, to promote the message.
Earlier this year, JSU members kicked several Muslim kids out of Ladd 307, where they were having a prayer meeting. Despite the fact that the Muslims had been using that room at that time slot for several years, JSU claimed its members were completely justified, since their club had existed first.
The Islamic students at Skidmore College took the actions of JSU calmly. There were only a few instances of rock-throwing, but that was stopped. While the Muslims generally stick together, they do not have an official club. They, as a group, are very peaceful, do not get involved in conflicts, and generally stay under everybody’s radar. In fact, some smaller and unofficial Muslim groups, "cells" if you will, have offered seminars to other Muslims on how to “not be noticed”, “avoid suspicion” and “fit in”.
The Pygmy Scandal
In October 1995 the administration took a bold step to increase diversity at the college. Several members of the administration traveled to Africa and India to capture pygmies, they then took the pygmies to Saratoga Springs and inducted them as students of Skidmore College. The belief was that these individuals were the most diverse people in existence. By bringing them to Skidmore, the college would benefit immensely and become a beacon of diversity throughout academia.
However, there were problems.
Students did not react to the pygmies as expected. The “Skidmore 12” were the most benign, as they merely didn’t accept the pygmies into their special fraternity. The reactions of the female population and the homosexuals were more pronounced.
Females and homosexuals banded together to enslave the pygmy population. Females thought the creatures were “adorable”, “precious”, “cute” and “cuddly”. Pygmies became accessories to the fashionable female population of Skidmore College. They would be dressed up, carried about in cute pink backpacks or led about by sequin-encrusted leashes.
Homosexuals used the pygmies for depraved acts of deviant sex. No one quite knows what happened behind closed doors, but rumors abound. When asked to stop this behavior, the president of the GLBTQQP (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Questioning, Pygmy alliance), claimed that club members were being oppressed. Then he threatened to call alum Alexander to help with the negotiations. After that, the administration backed off.
Pygmies are now part of the “Skidmore Experience”. Though, the role they play on campus is not the one initially desired.
The Liberal Arts
When they are not busy voting in primaries, purchasing soy-based products, or hugging trees, liberals like to draw, paint and sculpt works of "liberal art". Liberal art is any piece of artwork made by a liberal, with a liberal theme. A crayon drawing of a gay black man holding lightning and having lots and lots of power, for example, is liberal art. Likewise, a drawing of a gay black man being oppressed would also be an example of liberal art, as it would be showing the oppression of a diverse man, and thus would be implying the removal of such oppression and the enactment of more diversity. However, if that said drawing were drawn by a non-liberal it would be an example of hate-speech and would be yet another example of oppression.
Liberals, to get more in touch with their feelings and more in touch with nature, often turn to drugs. Drugs, they believe, heighten their senses and provide them with unique experiences that can help them help the world (even if the world does not want their help). Also, drugs are beneficial to non-diverse people as it makes them mellow and less likely to hurt people – as it is unfortunately their nature to do so.
The obvious drug of choice at Skidmore College is Marijuana. This completely harmless drug makes people relax, take it easy, and think about how great the United Nations is. The only fault of marijuana is that it gives users the munchies. Luckily, Saratoga Springs pot-smokers have their very own pizzeria, Esperanto (frequently mistakenly called Esperanto's). This establishment makes great pizza as well as its own special dish called the “Doughboy”. It should be noted that drunken townies and Skidmore students also consume food from Esperanto after the bars close.
Though most Skidmore students are content with mere pot use, artistic students need “harder” drugs to get more in touch with their liberal feelings so that they can express those feelings on the canvas or on the stage, whatever the case may be. The drug of choice for those students is cocaine. Most Skidmore students approve of such behavior, as it “doesn’t hurt anyone”.
McCellandor values courage, drugs, and mittens above all else. Its mascot is the Oven, a great mytholocial whorlock, whose name shall not be spoken, that continues to cast the building into a fiery inferno sporadically through the year, hence the term 'McOven' when referencing the whorlock.
The McCellandor common room is located in one of the school's highest towers, overlooking its enterance and parking lot, the entrance to which is always unlocked or propped due to a spell. The house is guarded by house bunny Holly Madison, who wears a pink bunny suit. She permits entry only after being given the correct password, or if the Esperanto delivery boy is locked out in the cold because drunk wizards forgot about him.
This house values hard work, loyalty, alcohol tolerance, and public drunkeness above all else. Entrance to the house is by the secret staircase (heavily guarded by smokers), which is not in fact a secret: bitches living in North are too dumb to see it. The house mascot is the Keg, with yellowish black as its colours. According to legend, in Wilmarth a great oasis lies on the 3rd floor. This magical room is sworn to secrecy, and wizards need a password and Solo cup to gain entrance. The common room is filled with homages to house founder Jodi, who continues to monitor the house as a ghostly ruler since the 70s.
This house has absolutely no values. Located at the dirtiest part of the school, Penfieldenpuff has been left alone for many years and has become unkempt by the likes of Lindsay Lohan and Cher. Their dark souls have ruled over the building since Alexander the Great gave it to them after establishing liberal arts.
First rule of Wieckgin: You don't talk about Wieckgin. Second rule of Wieckgin: You don't talk about Wieckgin! Oh and you can't have morals.
More commonly known as Kimballs, this dorm was originally founded by the native pygmy tribe that once inhabited North Woods. It was then invaded and conquered by jocks and bros and has remained in their rule ever since.
Big and crappy. This dorm, being one of the oldest on campus, was highly sought after for its central location and thus the housing process for this dorm was particularly selective. Once governed by the wicked witch of the west, known for her sadism and general douchebaggery, Howe/Rounds is likely being governed by a far less witchier witch now.
Former home of a majority of the Racoon Gang.
Former home of John Worthen Hussey III and his illustrious roommate Henry Potter, boy wizard of Skidmore campus, who unfortunately had to transfer to Hoggy Warty Hogwarts. The afore-mentioned gentlemen were admitted into Howe-Rounds under the careful supervision of Sam McKenney, Sebastian Franzen, Jeff Brown, and Adam Stoler whose legendary Trio eventually conquered the whole of Howe-Rounds with projectile weapons and prankery. This prolific and courageous group was also known for their "Door Sturdiness Evaluations" as well as reviving the national holiday "Change Day".
The primary currencies used in this dorm were Marijuana, Nerf guns, and duct tape.
Most residents were incapable of cooking popcorn without a local servant or detailed instructions.
It was often referred to as "The Mists" due to the general haziness of the dorm residents as well as the extremely high THC content of the Howe/Rounds oxygen supply.
Dorm administrators were known to have followed the "sleekness" trend set by cell phones and MP3 players, and provided the thinnest, most portable mattresses available. This trend resulted in sex becoming a blood sport.
The mascot for Johnsonshire Castle is the Arsonist. This mascot lives somewhere in the penthouse elevator shaft and occasionally leaves its home to put fire extinguishers in microwaves, and set the microwave to popcorn.
"I ain't got time to bleed." ~ Oscar Wilde
Most Skidmore athletics is in line with the liberal agenda. Hence the predominant sport on the Skidmore campus is yoga. Not doing yoga implies a hatred for eastern religions and contempt for becoming “one with oneself”. (As a side note: Eastern religions are acceptable to this atheist student body because they are weird – they are also not western, thus, they are diverse).
Much to the surprise of everyone, Skidmore does have its own football team. Even more surprising is that the team has been completely undefeated since its creation in 1922.
Other Notable Events in Skidmore History
The Cooper Incident
Fall of 2002, freshman student Anderson Cooper got extremely drunk and decided to take a shower. There was a hanger in the shower as someone was steaming their clothes before he arrived. He proceeded to fall asleep over the drain which flooded the room downstairs and Campus safety was called to investigate the leaking ceiling. When asked how he was doing Cooper reportedly said: “I'm fine. I'm just chillin'.”
For over a decade, the queer group would host a night of debauchery called “Diva Night.” This night was intended to bring people closer together, make them more liberal, and thus more accepting. The plan was to get as many freshmen and sophomores as possible, have the men dress like women, the women dress like sluts, get them coked out of their mind, give them lots of heroin, show them porn, and have a giant orgy. This worked well until the fall of 2003. That year 23 students had to be rushed to Saratoga hospital for drug overdoses. 19 of them died. “Diva Night” had to be canceled. But don't lose hope—the liberal orgy is slated to return in Spring '09...
The McClellan Incident
Spring of 2004 the college almost had yet another brush with death. One student, who will remain nameless, was thrown out of a McClellan third floor window. This student, a well-known PCP dealer, was unscathed from the fall. Reportedly, after hitting the pavement, he stood up, brushed himself off and ran away. Later that evening he robbed a gas station.
Skidmore's Day of Infamy
On November 3, 2004, it was formally announced that President George W. Bush had defeated Senator John Kerry (D-MA) for re-election. Immediately following the news, almost every professor at Skidmore dismissed their students and cancelled the rest of the day's classes. Students were urged to return to their dorm rooms and paint anti-Bush posters and rehearse anti-war skits to be publicly displayed later that evening. All over campus, non-disowned students could be heard calling home in tears, complaining about the hardship and oppression that they'd be experiencing for four more years. A prominent member of the Skidmore Progressives, Keith Rosenstein '06 was spotted running nude around campus in a hysterical manner decrying the imminent military draft. His added nudity was explained as a protest of clothing corporations that regularly fund the United States "war machine." Students who were not nude had changed into all-black garb and mourned the election results through interpretative dance and solemn drum circles. Impromtu candlelight vigils for fallen Iraqi insurgents/"freedom fighters" were held throughout the day. Some violence broke out, several Case Center windows were shattered, and the American flag that once flew over Case parking lot was burned for good measure. Skidmore's Young Republican Assembly received a formal death threat from Students for Peace & Tolerance and thus decided to just leave campus for the day. One psychology professor organized an all-campus lecture titled "Why America is Fascist" to accompany the evening protests and skits. Unfortunately, the would-be participants of said activities decided to instead show their dissatisfaction with the nation by smoking large amounts of marijuana and listening to hippie jam music. Deciding that drug use would be a more effective means to change the world, the professor ultimately joined them. To this day, 11/3 is still recognized as a college-wide day of mourning marked by a ceremonial flag burning and more (than usual) pot use.
Fall of 2005, there were incidents of vandalism and graffiti in McClellan and Howe/Rounds. Everyone managed to miraculously forget about it.
The Great Birch D Crisis of 2007
With an increasingly hostile environment as a result of Asian Awareness Month, an underage student was denied beer at a party held at the Scribner House of Birch D and was told to "peace out" with an accompanying peace sign shoved in his face. This resulted in a great arms race between students, primarily the residents of Birch D and those inhabiting Howe-Rounds. What followed was perhaps the least epic or interesting conflict ever to be prescribed to internet records, as nearly nothing happened nor were any hostilities raised. In fact, it was forgotten until two weeks later when the victimized student, in an outstanding moment of drunken brilliance, began to scream profanities at the house. This incident was replicated in similar circumstances at Oak C, MacRury B, and Beech D until the student was issued an unusually potent prescription to Xanax and was never heard from again.
The Northwoods Creeper Incident
With the opening of the Northwoods Apartments in Fall of 2006 several reports began to come in of an unidentified male who would creep around the complex. Initial reports dictated that this creeper would stalk females from the woods as they went to their cars in Cane Lot. Several females recall hearing loud breathing noises coming from somewhere within the trees, and some even reported seeing a faint silhouette in the darkness of a male around 6' tall wearing nothing but a Chatam A's hat. As the weather became cooler, Northwoods residents walking down Moore Way often felt as if they were being observed from one of the windows on the third floor of 1 Moore Way which always had the shade open just a crack. Though it is nearly impossible to see the creature that observes all who pass beneath him in his dark habitat many claim to have seen the signature creeper eyes and hat amidst the darkness. Though the identity and true nature of this creature remains a mystery, an exclusive documentary "Planet Creeper" will be released in May 2007 detailing the lifestyle of the Northwoods Creeper including never before seen footage of the creature in its natural habitat.
- African Studies
- African-American Studies
- American Studies
- Anorexia and Bullemia
- Art About Feelings
- Asian Studies
- Asian-American Studies
- Bad Poetry
- Cognitive Linguistics in Education
- Cooking with Vegetables
- Dinosaur Cultures
- Diversity Studies
- Dutch-American Studies
- Environmental Studies
- Forman Studies
- Gay and Lesbian Studies
- Gender Studies
- Homo-erotic Studies
- Interior Bear Cave Design
- Islamic Jihad
- Latin-American Studies
- Marxist History
- Music of the 1960s
- Native American Studies
- Neuroscience of Conservatism
- On-track Betting
- Overthrowing the Manocentric Maleocracy
- Post-Modern "Philosophy"
- Professional Wrestling in Victorian Literature
- Psychology of Capitalist Oppression
- Psychology of Male Oppression
- Regional Studies
- Social Work
- South American Studies
- Spending Parents Money Uselessly
- Spousal Abuse
- Substance Abuse
- Talking About Feelings
- Welsh-American Studies
- Women’s Studies
- Yoga Sciences
As fashions come and go quite quickly, it is important to note that pygmies are not as in style as they once were. Most students now preoccupy themselves with the Facebook. It is estimated that the average Skidmore student spends approximately 7 hours per day browsing the facebook. This includes: inviting people they never met to be “friends” with them, entering into fake relationships with their best friend because it’s so darn funny, updating their inane photo albums, and joining the “I Would Totally Have Sex in the Library” facebook group.
Trendiness aside, it should be noted that Skidmore has a prolific and storied Facebook history, the result of the brotally-clutch fall '06 drafting of the venerable Benjamin L. Forman, MD. This draft is widely regarded among historians as a brilliant display of foresight on the part of the Skidmore admissions officers, who noted Forman's then-undeveloped Facebook potential. In the subsequent years, the admissions officers' decision proved beneficial as Forman displayed the ability, as of yet unmatched in the liberty league, to dominate every facebook application game created to date with a degree of talent reminiscent of a yound Dave Matthews. It remains to be seen what will become of Skidmore's Facebook community once Forman, a double major in aquatic-aquaneering and english and member of the class of 2010, dons his mortarboard and leaves Saratoga Springs, taking his unmatched facebook dominance and through-the-roof testosterone levels with him.
As of late June, 2008, Ben Forman is lost in Silver Bay...Don't find him!
The most important facet of Skidmore's Student Government Association is the student senate which, like virtually every other legislative body in existence, meets to discuss issues that have little meaning or consequence for the common man. A little known fact, however, is that legislating was not the goal of the founding members of the senate. Its origins actually stem from the merging of two previous organizations: the Oral Masturbators Club (OMC), a group whose members all experienced sexual pleasure from hearing themselves talk on a subject, no matter how meaningless, and Students for a Barren Future (SBF), a radical birth control group that wanted to prevent all, and not just unwanted, pregnancies. After noticing how the Oral Masturbator's constant debates and impassioned speeches (often interrupted by orgasmic moaning by the speaker) on topics ranging from asparagus to the then hit television show "Mork and Mindy" infused the rest of the student body with a pessimistic outlook on the human condition, the SBF decided to use them for their diabolical plans. The Masturbators, unable to resist the temptation of greater funding and longer speaking time, immediately voted in favor of the resolution. Despite this unanimous decision, they still held a seventy-two hour long debate on where to place the commas on the bill.
Thus, the Skidmore Senate was originally not part of the tri-partite system of collegiate government, but rather an ingenious form of birth control—whoever listened to the discussions would invariably despair over their race and refuse to contribute to its future fertility. In fact, the original slogan of the organization was "Senate will make you want to abort your future children," a guarantee they have lived up to till this very day. It was not until later, when the administration could not find anyone else willing to discuss topics like the morality of same-sex bathrooms or how sacred the trees in the North Woods were that they reluctantly gave the senate legislative power.
The greatest act of Senate was taking a stand against the Iraq War. When asked, the White House declined to comment on whether the proclamation affected their decision. Though it should be noted, the Iraq invasion and overthrow of Saddam Hussein did occur despite the strong words of the Skidmore SGA.
Sense of Humor
The one thing lacking from Skidmore College is a sense of humor. The two comedy groups on campus, the “Sketchies” and the “ad-libs” are notoriously unfunny. Most of their shows are entirely spoken word poetry about puppies and sadness and other such things. It is a shame that no one has ever had the heart to tell them that they are not funny, but perhaps it is for the best. They probably couldn’t take the news.
Skidmore's student body is infamous for its consumption of marijuana, which peaks yearly on the national pot smokers' day of celebration, 420. Though in the past this event was full of community, bonding, smoking and an occasional octopus bong made of a shopping cart, in 2009 Skidmore received negative press over the event in local news media. Henceforth, the administration banned the event, including all smoking, tents on the green, and fun in general. Though some rebels attempt to restore the holiday to its original state each year, traditions committee finds these antics deplorable and the holiday has moved indoors and underground.
Similar to 420 in its general nature, Fun Day is an annual holiday sponsored by the college usually in late April. Skidmore provides the bounce-tents, bounce-slides, hot dogs, snow cones, body paint and lawn. The students provide drunkenness, the annual 'naked run', and a general atmosphere of debauchery. Overall, a wonderful time.