Townies

“What? Oh those retarded fellows in the white hoodies that I like to laugh at. So that's what they're called then? Townies... what an odd name.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Townies

“F**ckin' startin' blood, izzit? C'MON'EN!!!”

~ Townie to Oscar Wilde

Townies/Scum come under many headings. In the towns outside of a nations capital, they will be referred to as any one of a number of things. Terms include scumbag, knacker (not referring to the travelling community), Townie, etc. Furthermore, individual towns can have specialised names for their particular breed. For example, In Castlebar,[1], Co. Mayo, Ireland they are known as fisheads, while those from Westport are called Covies. In Galway, Ireland they are known simply as cunts or inhabitants of Tuam.

Appearance

Unfortunately, most genuine townies have a somewhat inbred appearance somewhat similar to the banjo child from the movie Deliverence, this is typified by their curious 'cod-eyes' and an inherited condition, known as 'town mouth' which renders them incapable of fulling closing their jaw, the evolutionary advantages of this are uncertain. These individuals have trouble enunciating and words above two syllables are for them very confusing often leading to headaches and nausea. This can often be followed by a monosyllabic utterence and temper outbursts. They make frequent use of the word 'blood', this is because, despite appearances, townies are deeply religious and have an enormous reverence for the blood of Our Lord God Sir Jesus Christ, The Prince of Whales

Townies often carry the 'scian' or the knife for those of the non Irish speaking persuasion. Typical fashion includes addidas pants and white hoodie in an attempt to look like the idol of idols, 'Slim Shady' (a repressed homosexual if one ever walked the earth). These individuals are often malnourished and not nearly as hard as they would like to be. As such, they use knives because they are in essence little pussy bitches.

Townies are extremely, extremely similar to Chavs but like Japan, China and the Manhattan Project should not be confused with each other.

Breeds of Townie

Boyo Townie (Townus Boyoshittiwus). In Wales, Chavs are not the majority, but a rather different yet related breed is, commonly called the Welsh Townie. Townies in Wales are descendants of of a genetically enchanced Super Chav Army (Swpwr Chaff Arrmi) sent to invade the Welsh Congo (nee England). Unfortunately, this process took up 87 percent of the Welsh population, and now all that remains are these descendants. Welsh Townies are unique in appearance, genetically bred to wear fashionable clothing and use so much gel on their hair they are often mistaken for porcupines on the road by Scottish drivers. Welsh townies are fanatics of rugby while other breeds are football obssessed. Regardless of geographical origin, all townies speak a dialect known as 'Towna', a curious blend of cockney inflection and sub-racist Jamaican patois, usually with a broad West Country twang

Other Breeds

• Charvers - (Townus Wellayeus). These Townies are a unique minority, a rarity compared to the numbers of emos and people who listen to Green Day in Newcastle. These Townies are also the oldest, existing since 1292 BC when PJ and Duncan (Ant and Dick) released their hit single, Coming Out and invented the Townie and homosexual scene. The Charver has no internal temperature regulation system and, if enclosed in a jacket, even in sub-zero temperatures, will quickly perish.
• Toonies - in Scotland (Townus Toonach), everyone is a Townie. Even your Nan.
• Teenies - in Liverpool (Townus Footballfuckus), it's basically the same as above, except these Townies are more affiliated with pedophilia, football and homosexuality.
• Townuhs - in Madchester (Townus Aveapartahus), Townies consist of ex members of Oasis, the Happy Mondays and Be*Witched. They also include the cast of Shameless, which is now the whole population of Madchester.
• Potato farmers - in Oirland/Narthen Areland (Townus Hibernus Spudium), Townies are potato farmers like the rest of the Oirish/Narthen Areish population.
• Suicide bombers - in Bradford and the Islamic Independent Shariah States of Sheffield (Townus Pakistanium), Townies have light brown skin and mutter silly weird phrases (like "mi contacts got mi dis Toyoah Corolla wi' da alloy wheelz innit" before blowing themselves up at toilet facilities, mostly through the use of washing-up liquid. Avoid with extreme caution.
• Chavs - These are practically the breed of Townie everywhere else and live in Islington despite sounding like they are from Bow.

Pretend townies

These are truly tragic individuals. Under some misguided conception, they believe it is cool to shun education or clothes that even remotely fit. Often from middle class backgrounds, they often have to wake at times as early as 5am to get into character. This is done by repeating phrases in a nasal fashion into a mirror. Common phrases include 'aww mon ure tilin me brain' (Castlebar knacker, properly spoken - 'ohhh man you are tiling my brain'; it's meaning is not yet understood but it is guessed that it has negative connotations), 'ure tits are cabbage mon' (your tits are cabbage man - means 'I say dear lady the lord has gifted you with ample bosoms'. Incidentally these are both Minker (Castlebar townie) terms. One other term worth noting, although off the point, is the Dundalk scumbag classic 'aww look at the pair of Electric Feet on ya' - the boys in the lab are crunching numbers all day long to figure that one out. Other rituals engaged in by pretend townies to get into character are wearing their hood up and staring at the floor, trying not to cough after taking a drag of Silk Cut Ultra and practising leaning against the wall outside Supermacs. The process also incorporates the application of many layers of make-up (particularly for girls), which takes several hours. So muhc so that by the time the typical pretend townie has completed their miraculous transformation, it's time for bed (c. 7am).

Townie Bomb

It has long been theorised that should enough boffins get together that it would be possible to create a strain of gas that would target effecively the townie gene and annhialate its cheese box. It has also been assumed that since townies and Scangers share a common ancestry that the bomb could be adapted to attack both strains of scumfuck. The scanger has not evolved in 62,000 years and it is assumed that along with the shark is the only other creature to have achieved perfection in its chosen area. The shark being a predator and the scanger being a drain on both society and the patience of the average God-fearing individuals.

Trivia

• Welsh townies live in Nuclear Plants around Wales, especially Cerdiff, Nyooport and Pen-a-Bont.
• Nearly all Boyos who don't speak Welsh are Welsh townies, yet Welsh townies are dedicated to killing any English who enter the Welsh border, much like English townies' killing sprees in such sophisticated locales as Erryfud, Sloplandia, Brizzow and Chester.
• The Arctic Monkeys are Welsh townies, despite being invented in Tup North.
• Translated into Welsh Townie:
  • "Oi, alroigh." - "Hello, how are you?"
  • "Daarlin'." - Son.
  • "Innih loik." - Isn't it just so, I do agree.
  • "F**kin' shut ih, f**kin' Englash cunt, betta shuddup or Oi'll f**kin' report ew to Traydin' Standads." - "Silence, English heathen! The blood of Baal compells you!"