Shrewsbury

“ Of course I like it, I live there!”

~ Liam Thomas

“ Fucking shit, mate”

~ Charles Darwin

Shrewsbury is a crap town with a population of 70,000 people, all of who are related, famous only because of Charles Darwin. Most shoppers on the town's non-famous Pride Hill have experienced his survival of the fittest theory whilst trying to barge past other shoppers in order to enter into one of the identikit high street shops.

This of course, was not the case in Darwin's time, when the town's residents were all monkeys. They have evolved since then, however, into sheep, much to the delight of the Welsh.

Shrewsbury is apparently overrun by chavs, but they are actually mostly students and go by the name of townies. The sixth form college supplies the town with most of its economy.

Tourism & Culture

The town is also renowned for its ancient Tudor buildings, most of which are hidden behind shop fronts or are in fact fake. However, if you ask at WHSmith, due to some ruling or another that means we are all entitled to see old buildings even if it's a pain for shopkeepers, they'll let you behind the scenes where you can meet one of the town's many ghosts, including one that will decompose before your very eyes. It is also said that if you walk backwards down the High Street three times you see the Devil who will greet you with his evil eyes. Experiments however have demonstrated that this usually leads to being run over by a bus.

And if it's ghosts and ghouls you want, why not visit Ebenezer Scrooge's grave? Yes, it's the real deal, although it may be hard to find in St. Chad's graveyard due to all the goths and emos hanging about "looking cool" listening to some shitty screamo post harcore shit (occasionally you will find them slitting their wrists).

If you go through a pair of blue gates near that shitty church thingy you will be taken to a large field inhabited by old people or 12 year olds, this is where Darwin discovered evolution

Also, every other person is either posh or drunk. The rest are both posh and drunk, especially at the Boat House pub.

Shrewsbury is pronounced locally as "Salop" and is considered better than Telford, which is inhabited by scum who can hardly speak English.

History

Shrewsbury was once the capital of Wales, known as Amwythig, and all Welsh people were required to bring their sheep to the great sheep feast of 1215. Failing to do this, all their stock was confiscated until the the Great Armistice of 1955 when Rhyl paid war reparations of 12,000,000 daffodils, earning itself the right to replace Shrewsbury as capital (since disputed by Swansea).

As a result of this, Welsh people are only allowed into Shrewsbury on foot and singing God Save the Queen. This is known locally as 'watching the Queeny singers'.

Although not officially capital of Wales, Marks and Spencers is host to the National Welsh Shopping Day (NWSD) every December 10th, known in Wales as 'EU subsidy day'.

Politics

Shrewsbury is ruled by the Tory party. Occasionally a Labour MP or councillor is elected for a bit of a laugh. Indeed the last Labour MP was such a laugh he defected to the Lib Dems and then back again within a few years.

Largely inactive in Parliament, the present MP Daniel Kawczynski - the UK's tallest MP - once issued a Private Members Bill in the hope of making it constitution that all doors must be 'a minimum of 7 feet from floor to top of frame'. This showed concern for the constituency as Shrewsbury also has the UK's tallest town crier.

Shrewsbury also has a flourishing Green Party, with a whole five members who know bugger all about climate change or reality. However, progress has been made in their movement to legalise cannabis. Now you can smell Shrewsbury Green from fucking Baschurch.

Sport

Home to Shrewsbury Town Football Club who played wank at the Gay Meadow. The club have now moved to a purpose-built greenhouse, right in the outskirts of the outskirts, but with great views of the railway line to mighty Church Stretton.

Notorious Residents

Shrewsbury is mainly resident to violent chavs, who enjoy beating the shit out of you - in gangs of no less than 30 tracksuit-wearing-morons.

Reasons to stay away from this town

1. You will get stabbed in the ass by angry farmers with pitchforks
2. You will be kidnapped by ghosts
3. You will go insane when you see the price of food in this place
4. The only place to park your car is in the river (if you find a dry spot, the river will flood it)
5. Charles Darwin roams the streets looking for fresh meat
6. Telford is within a 15 mile radius

This article was mentioned in the Sloppy Star, further diminishing what little credibility the media had left.