Picnic
“The four most over-rated things in life are champagne, lobster, anal sex and picnics.”
A picnic is a celebration of taking food and drink to another location and pretending you are really have a great time. This involves sitting on chairs and rugs whilst you attempt to eat and drink whilst being besieged by creepy crawlies. Bigger animals will also attempt to steal your food too.
Origin[edit]
The first recorded picnic was Jesus's Sermon on the Mount. The audience were under the impression that the price of admission included food but there was a massive catering mistake as regards the fish and loaves. Jesus is said to have rectified the error with auto suggestion and that everyone left the event believing they had a four course meal.
Picnics were carried on to the Middle Ages and then the Renaissance where a typical picnic was another term for an an al fresco orgy. Artists certainly used that as an excuse to paint a lot of naked bodies. The term 'French picnic' was especially popular in the mid 19th century and became a short hand description for outdoor sex.
The modern picnic was re-created by doctor Joseph Barbera when, in a spur of madness, he decided to attempt to bring a bear back to life on a public table. His materials were little more than a felt tip pen and an Atari 2600, however, he succeeded despite the odds and created what is now one of the most popular television personalities in the world. It is reported by many historians that the bear then stole the basket which Barbera carried his tools in and then vanished into the woods. Picnics are now held throughout the world on December 25 (often confused with the birth of Christ) to commemorate the act.
Ants[edit]
Any sane person attempting to have a picnic will pack ants. Because of the abundance of food, you must bring to a picnic, you will need ants to help carry it for you. Especially the watermelon.
Tools[edit]
The tools used in modern picnics range from Apple Cores to Condoms ( Usually picnics involving only 2 persons tend to end up reproducing, ignoring the general public ), however, they are always carried in a small basket with a handle and must include a blanket, at least one sandwich and possibly a boiled egg. Enthusiasts are known to weigh the basket down with lead to keep it from being stolen. The greatest asset to a picnicker is his wits. These are most commonly used for singing and looking for one's glasses.
A common song about picnics follows:
| “ | If you go down to the woods today
You're sure of a big surprise. If you go down to the woods today You'd better go in disguise. For ev'ry bear that ever there was Will gather there for certain, because Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic. Every teddy bear who's been good Is sure of a treat today. There are lots of marvelous things to eat And wonderful games to play. Beneath the trees where nobody sees FJUCK AM I DRUNKEDF OR WHAT!!!! |
” |
Famous Picnickers[edit]
Most people are aware that Ranger John is a devout picnicker, but there are a number of other well-known closet picnickers in public office, such as George W. Bush, Princess Zelda, and Moses. In addition, there are many devotees of the picnic within the entertainment industry, including Michael Jackson, Baskin Robbins , the entire The Wire staff, Ronald McDonald, Little Red Riding Hood, and Tom Cruise.