Maximus the Lesser

Saint Maximus taming the pelicans. From a manuscript of the twenty-first century.

Saint Maximus the Lesser (406 – 453) was a saint of the Roman Catholic Church and the bishop of Brest, France.

Early life

Maximus was born on the present site of Disneyland Resort Paris to the Roman nobility. His parents, Gauchus and Drusilla, were devout Christians and dedicated themselves to ensuring that Maximus was given a top-shelf education. After being admitted into the Benedictine monastery of Marne-la-Vallée, his safety school, Maximus became a monk, participating in all of the feasts and celebrations associated with Marne-la-Vallée: the Elevation of the Pig's Bladder, Secret Santa (Maria), and Saint Brutus's day, which involves a lot of hazing and toga stripping.

Becoming the bishop

"It's a bloody miracle, that's what this is..."

After the death of Florentius, bishop of Brest, Maximus's parents pulled strings to have their son elected as Florentius's successor. The populace of Brest wished, however, to have one of their own, a heretic named Gandulus, as their new bishop. The Pope was asked to intervene. Maximus and Gandulus were brought to Rome and asked to prove their merits before the pope. Gandulus, whose soul was dark, handed the pope his resume, cover letter, salary history, and three references. Maximus decided to perform a miracle instead. Levitating, Maximus called upon the heavens. It rained pig's blood, drenching Gandulus, the pope, and a young girl named Carrie, who was standing nearby. Maximus and Carrie then fought a duel with magic and other paranormal stuff. Maximus vanquished her and then shagged her.

Convinced of his merits, Maximus was elected bishop of Brest. His entourage, composed of Ericus, Testudo, and Johannes "Drama," were made his deacon, subdeacon, and lector/physical trainer, respectively.

Miracles

Saint Maximus informing his followers that it burns when he pees.

The Vita Sancti Maximi records three additional miracles of Maximus. One day, he was late for an episcopal board meeting. Ericus was sent to get him out of bed. "Get up, dear saint, for it is midday," Ericus cried out. Through strength of will, Maximus rolled out of his soft featherbed. The populace was astounded, and Maximus's reputation grew. The second miracle concerns a loose woman who was sent by Maximus's enemies to his sparse episcopal palace complex in order to tempt him in the ways of the flesh. After Maximus shagged her, the harlot decided to become a nun (later venerated as a saint herself – Saint Venerea). The populace was amazed. The third miracle involves Maximus's famous taming of the pelicans. Out of ideas, Maximus's enemies sent several wild pelicans to Maximus's chambers in order to torment him. Honking at him as wild pelicans tend to do when they're cheesed off, Maximus made the sign of the cross over them. When that didn't work, he yelled "Shoo!" The pelicans left.

Maximus was noted for his austerities: he fasted everyday save for a burger and fries in the morning. He shunned all women save for the aforementioned harlot, that girl Carrie, and an old crone who brought him a mint n' chip milkshake at vespers.

Death

When Gaul was invaded by Attila the Hun in the 450s, Maximus was apprehended along with Ericus, Testudo, and Johannes. Maximus's entourage was executed immediately. Attila, however, wished to torture Maximus, whom he considered a truly evil man. Maximus was submitted to the most gruesome tortures. He was flayed alive, beheaded, and thrown to the lions. Then, the lions were beheaded, and Maximus was forced to eat the lion's flesh through his severed head. The populace was stunned at Maximus's fortitude.

Finally, the saint was lowered in a kettle of boiling oil and pitch. But Attila saw him standing in the vat as if in cool water, unharmed. He asked if Maximus had bewitched the pot through some form of magic. In response, Maximus scooped up a bit of the boiling liquid, and tossed it toward the ruler of the Huns, urging him to test it for himself. Some of the oil and pitch splashed into his eyes, blinding him. Screaming in pain, Attila begged Maximus to heal him. Maximus just laughed, and died laughing. He was immediately canonized by the pope.

Veneration

Maximus's feast day is February 29. He is venerated especially in France, for lack of some better saints. The cathedral of Saint-Maxim in Paris is dedicated to him; it has an excellent Starbucks. His attributes are a goose and a kettle of boiling oil and pitch. He is often depicted laughing. He is venerated as the patron saint of those who wait for a bus or train that never comes. The Tijuana neighborhood of San Máximo is named after him.