Lancaster University
“Do I have to be a student to drink here?”
“Where?”
“An University in Lancaster”
“You mean, 'A University in Lancaster', you moron”
“This kitchen has been left in an unacceptably unhygienic/messy condition”
| |||
| Motto: "Veni, vidi, me in civitas gravitas exanimati imbibi" (I came, I saw, I drank myself into a severe state of unconsciousness) | |||
| Student | 13,130 | ||
| Capital | Greggs (Formerly Spar) | ||
| Chancellor |
Patrick Carr | ||
| Religion | 4% Christianity, 5% Islam, 91% Unspecified | ||
| Founded | 1694 | ||
| Bars | 45 | ||
| National Anthem | <Insert Collegiate Name Here> 'til I die. | ||
| Official Sport | Pub Quiz | ||
Lancaster University, officially The University of Lancaster, is a traditional British free house in Lancaster, Lancashire, England. Owing to its proximity to the busiest motorway in the UK, very few students actually leave the place with a degree, as, unable to sleep, they decide that the best option is to get drunk.
Lancaster University was built in a warehouse above a prominent night club, the Sugarhouse, in 1694. No subjects were taught; instead students would choose to stay there as a holiday destination, spending all night dancing to Cheesy Pop music and all day wrecked out of their skulls on a selection of research chemicals. This was deemed non-constructive by local officials, and it moved to its current site in 2005. It is a perpetual building site and is not planned on being completed ever. Due to this, all upstanding accommodation consists of regenerated prison blocks, is just below the minimum standard in the country, and to be quite honest, no-one is complaining.
Common activities include:
- Dominoes
- Binge drinking
- Casual debauchery
- Darts
- Pissing on a fag end.
- Getting lost on campus
- Winding up the Assistant Dean
- Car park hockey
- Collecting gold tokens inside the dome.
- Purchasing and subsequently consuming cheesy curly fries from Sultan's.
- Taking expeditions into South West without truly knowing whether you'll ever find your way back out again
- Having all your tuition fees spent by the Management School
The object of Lancaster University is to stay in as long as possible. Sources suggest the record is 14 months.
Popular activities for students
45% of students' loans are spent in Itboxes, which are cunningly positioned at every corner of the campus. As of yet, no-one has won any more than two pounds. In most other food outlets, such as the Sultan and Pizzetta Republic, one is more likely to escape with a pocket full of drugs and a bloody nose than anything that could be considered a meal.
Since the ban on postering, it is a brave student who sellotapes meaningless drivel onto walls, windows, cash machines, the underside of tables and so forth. However it remains popular after nightfall when there is in all seriousness nothing else to do. Another popular activity involves running up and down the covered walkway known as 'The Spine'. As yet 'The Spine' has not suffered any major damage but several students have been reported missing after doing this activity and are suspected to have incurred the wrath of 'The Backbone' and as a consequence been eaten. Students also enjoy stealing ice-cream signs, trolleys, food and most other objects which are not fully secure.
Academic Life
Students of Lancaster University are members of one of three faculties: the Faculty of Life (geology, geography, biology, chemistry and German), the Faculty of Death (religious studies, philosophy, mathematics, engineering, heavy industry, and French), and the Faculty of Perpetual Loneliness (Physics). The faculties are of limited value to the average student faced with intrinsic personal problems. If a student achieves 80%, he or she is referred to as awesome, and is allowed parking privileges and a tab in the staff bar, located 415ft down a mine shaft in the playground near the George Fox building. 60% and they receive a voucher for Gregg's. 50% and they receive advice and counselling, as well as 1000 lines: "I must try harder". Anything under 40% results in summary dismissal, usually at gunpoint, but as some departments are less consistent than others, some jammy buggers get away with doing sod all. Furthermore, contrary to the name of the faculty, Lancaster's Physics department is the most sexually satisified of all in the UK, and 42% of its graduates were in stable relationships 81% of the time. Prospective students should note that the Phys120 series of modules, 'Universe as an art' does not constitue actual physics, and so should not expect a comfortable sex life. It is also worth noting that physicists are ranked number 1 in the country for being total liars.
Exams are held at 1.30 each afternoon, and every student is expected to attend all of them, regardless of faculty, college, subject, state of inebriation, colour, creed, sex, sexual orientation or disability. A tip for applicants: the answer is Four.
Essays are due at 5.00 each Friday. They must be thoroughly researched and written in an appropriate style, which excludes the use of hip-hop colloquialism, text message abbreviations, and prepositions, which are not words 2 end sentences with. Don't forget citations, and be aware that Wikipedia is not a valid academic source. Until 2004 Lancastrian students would use the Library for their academic exploits but since its conversion into a KFC, this is no longer possible. Can I have a big piece please?
Lectures are turgid and interminable. The use of MP3 players, although technically prohibited, is largely ignored. The use of cannabis, although technically ignored, is largely recommended. The use of mobile phone video cameras to capture your lecturer scratching his arse, although largely recommended, is largely celebrated. Making notes won't help in the slightest, as in most recorded cases, one writes down the name and vital statistics of the person with whom one procreated the previous night, and not anything academically pertinent.
Residences
There are 5500 student rooms on campus but 17500 living in them. There are three grades of room; Super-Plantinum Deluxe (£129.99 p.p.p.n), Bog Standard (£80 per week) and Kennel (£48 per week).
- Super-Platinum Deluxe suites contain four-poster beds, the finest leather furniture, en-suite bathrooms with jacuzzis and solid gold fittings. Every morning members of staff will wash and press your clothes, hack out the bits of stale pizza from the eiderdown and clean all glass, metal, ceramics and stone with Cillit Bang. However, they adhere to the strict Cleaner's Code, which is never to throw away students' prize possessions such as traffic cones and Sainsbury's trolleys.
- Bog Standard rooms are 12 ft long and 6 ft wide. They contain a bed, a desk, and if you're lucky, a sink. Mess is allowed to pile up to your heart's content, until such time as it attracts wildlife and becomes nasty. On more than one occasion, I have had the cleaner come down to the bar to find me and demand that I tackle the health hazard that is my room.
- Kennels contain a solitary chair and two small metal bowls, one for water and one for dried goods. They are only found in Grizedale and Bowland North.
The code of conduct for campus residences is pretty relaxed. There are only two offences punishable by eviction; these are setting off the fire alarm by burning toast (which, in compliance with the Fire Code, necessitates the evacuation of the building and annoys the fuck out of everyone, unless you were mid-party, in which case it's a bit of a laugh, a bit of light relief), and tampering with the lift. There are many fun ways to tamper with the lift although make sure it's not a disabled lift, as they have a tendency to stop on their own and trap you in them. If you do this ensure you don't have weird people with you in there, as it can become tedious.
Porters, occasionally accompanied by the Assistant Dean, will often make their way around residences around 12.30 in the morning and knock on the doors of any rooms from which noise is eminating. Don't bother hiding your drug-taking paraphenalia, they seriously don't give a damn.
Wildlife
The university campus exhibits a large range of habitats suitable for an array of exotic and erotic animals to flourish. The most prominent of these is the duck pond, which is home to a 5 tonne lake dragon. The dragon, called Elsen, is a very friendly chap, but is often in quarrel with LURPS who believe the dragon should be evicted on the grounds that it 'ate some freshers'. Recent discussions have led to a trade embargo between Elsen and the Christian Union (who originally offered Elsen food in exchange for standing in as a guest speaker at their smiteful lunchbar lectures), and now a no-fly zone above bowland north. Other creatures include a raft of ducks down near Fylde, some strange mythical builder-monsters who reside in the underpass; A multitude of mind controlling pigeons who patrol the spine outside Pizetta Republic, and the now reclusive shopmaster of Waterstones', who still resides on the square despite the store having been closed down and turned into a blackwells.
Synopsis of every bar on Campus
Attempting to drink in every bar in under an hour is a challenge thought to be impossible by most freshers, but as one's maturity and capacity for drink increases, it becomes more of a matter of "how many times can I complete it in an hour?" The new craze is in fact the '999 bar crawl', invented by bored Cartmelian's in 2008, whose attempts to have 9 shots in 9 minutes, one at each of the 9 bars, ended in them collapsing from 'too much exercise for a student' between Lonsdale and their final stop, Cartmel, with just 14 seconds to go.
- Bowland: The Trough of Bowland - If you're not crushed upon trying to get in, roasted by the overhead heating system because you can't get in, or piereced by a stray dart, it's actually a rather nice place to drink (If you study physics, or are over 50 years old).
- County: The Northern Oak - recently renovated after the County Tree kept getting spat and ceremoniously pissed on by students visiting from other colleges. Reminiscent of Revolution. If I wanted to drink somewhere reminiscent of Revolution, I'd drink in Revolution. See The Russian Revolution. The County bar staff appear to be either entranced or enslaved by the bar, and hence never seem to leave the premises - often preferring to live and sleep there. Late night lock-ins are a frequent occurance.
- Furness: Trevor - A countryside CAMRA-operated coaching inn meets the red light district of Berlin. Now closed for refurbishment.
- Fylde - Used to have orange walls, until they realised it had orange walls and knocked it down. It is now decorated like a 1970's primary school classroom.
- Pendle - Witchically terrible- Located within 'Ghetto Pendle.' So if you make it through the barrage of warfare going on within the college you fully deserve the welcome of nostalgic chants from when Pendle really was your first choice. However even if Pendle being your first choice is actually true you'll never be able to spend any time due the lack of opening hours.
- Grizedale - Now better known as the Lancaster branch of Ikea.
- Lonsdale: The Mane Place - Despite it being written into the university's constitution that every female lonsdalian must have an STD by week 2, with their male counterparts charged with assaulting at least one member of another (or on a bad night, their own) college by week 3, the bar remains relatively busy throughout term time. Plans to refurbish the bar as a GUM clinic have been approved by the university council and will be finished next tuesday.
- Cartmel: The Winning Post: Invisible to the naked eye. Rumoured to be in an underground facility and run by the cleaners.
Notable alumni
- James May - least interesting Top Gear presenter
- Mr Eko
- The Sheriff of Nottingham
- The Inventor of the Vaccum Seal Bag, Professor Schwing
- Christopher Columbus (potatoe man not explorer, well ... explorer of a kind)
- and Gollum, but no-one ever talked to him anyway
Facts and figures
- The most recorded number of students to have crammed themselves onto the back seat of the bus back to the University is 38 which was set by a group of predominantly Grizedale students coming back from the Carleton at 6 in the afternoon after a heavy morning at the Carleton (where you WILL contract at least 3 STDs just by touching the bar). This is matched by the Furness 2011 freshers, who also managed to cram that many people on the back of a sordid Sugar bus.
- You can't spell County without C, U, N and T.
- Pendle take it up their arse. Every single night. And they love it.
- FYLDE is infact a memoir to their founder who was a Peado-FYLDE
- 'Bowland till I die' which will be in about 5 minutes due to their perpetually collapsing accomodation.
- The record for the shittest fag ever rolled was achieved not ten seconds ago, by this stupid guy on my left here.
- In 1876 Gypsies invaded the University campus and took over the curriculum. In 1878 1,237 students graduated with a degree in 'Lucky Charms and the Art of Roasting Hedgehogs'. The University was saved a year later when Oscar Wilde buggered the gypsies and restored the University to its rightful owners, The Rabbits.
- Near enough everyone in the University has at some point shouted the words "Pea-do-Fylde When a girl says no, Molest-her." (to the tune of craig davids re-e-wind)
- The most drugs ever consumed by a human being in one evening was set by Some German Guy in an anti-capitalist tent in Alex Square on 14 March 2006.
- After spending more than seven months at the University, most people find themselves turning into rabbits and running wild in the grounds.
- Of the 245 "buildings" that make up the university, only 47 of them are actually real places - the remainder are simply cardboard frontages, of the type used in Wild West films from the 1950s and '60s.
- Don't leave chairs or sofas out in the open, cause chances are Bailrigg FM will steal them.
- For those who do not belong to the Management School will see £8,990 of their £9k tuition fees funding the Management School's expansion
- Cartmel is widely considered to be the most likely location for the second coming of Christ.
References
- 2006 Lancaster University Prospectus
- 2005 Lancaster University Prospectus
- Mein Kampf - Hitler Productions Ltd. 1933 All Rights Reserved ©
- My latest bank statement