Klaus Kinski

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Kinski in happier times as coach of Hamburg's Olympic all-monkey synchronized swimming team.

Klaus Kinski (born 1934 in "Hamburg an der Themse", died 2006 on his palatial country house in Belfast) was and still is a retired Nazi. His real name is Fhatma Ufrânmoscevich-Ur Ghambo Mo-Had Vivivoch Ikshjid Dschi "Klaus" Vorkineski


He had none. Referring to an early interview he lived only for acting and complaining about tastelessly brewed coffee. When he was a child he visited school like any other kid, but what made him different was that he had good marks because he learned to either fistfuck or threaten his teachers at an early age. Growing up he performed on several stages. The majority of the audience used to confuse his character with a she-male beauty due to his girly appearance. From then on he would only get to play female characters. However, it did not really bother him a lot.

Klaus quickly realized that the Broadway was no good basis to flourish for an outstanding actor like him. Only niggers and jews could climb the ladder of despair of the Broadway and withstand the urge to cry 25 hours a day. In the end he moved to Weimar where it is said that Mozart took a dump a long, long time ago. "This would be the proper soil!", Klaus stated and built his house of broken cardboard and self-made sperm-based glue. He robbed an Asian woman on the off chance who he would later on marry in Venice. At the peak of his career he exchanged several diseases with Werner Herzog by frequently having sexual intercourse with him. In the course of his first marriage two children were born. After a cup of tea another one appeared out of the blue. Not two minutes later the next one jumped out of a well in the garden. When he then sneaked out of the house into the backyard his fifth child scared the living devil out of Klaus - well, the devil decided to stay afterall ... - by mysteriously walking by between two piss-covered bushes.

To learn more about the rest of his life, proceed to "His Death"!

Klaus Kinski and sex[edit]

He fucked everyone and everything. Not even the author of his biography (Marcel Reich-Ranicki) knows weither he was a-sexual, bisexual, hetero, necrophile, homosexual, pedophile, zoophile, frigid or circumcised. The many times when he was put in jail, he enjoyed being raped by big, strong criminals - so practically he wasn't raped at all. "Ich bin so heiß auf deinen rosa Tütenblasen" is the title of his autobiography. If you decide to buy it, you will want to look for it in the shelves where they keep the satyres and trivial non-fiction crap or jerk-off-literature. His life was made into a manga book wherein - of course - gay, underage japanese manga characters appear at will to have sex, careless of whatever situation they may disturb.

Klaus Kinski's famous "Kinski Schraube"[edit]

The "Kinski Schraube" was created by Schreihals himself. It is, by now, a commonly applied technique in film business world wide.

The "Kinski Schraube" allows an actor to perform the first appearance of his character in a way that everyone in the audience will instantly hate that person. It may also stimulate the stomach in a way that the average viewer will immediately vomit. Although these results make the usage of this technique rather a disadvantage than anything else it is nevertheless very popular and in fact the most used acting technique.

John Malkovich dues his respect for learning this skill by the master himself:

“I would never ... NEVER EVER be where I am now, had Klaus not developed this exquisite style! Klaus, for this I love you!!”

~ John Whoreratio Malkovich on Klaus Kinski

His Death[edit]

He died lonely and a long, painful, hysterical death. Nastasja as well as Nikolai honored his ceased existence by reciting his most famous verbal attacks recorded on the sets of various movies he has been a part of. When CSI actors were doing an observation on his bodily remains - it was very likely that he might have been killed - they found that his heart had a healthy gray tone. However, it was bruised and covered with scars and injuries, presumably because he liked to open his chest and even rape his own (!) heart. It was transferred to Paris, Texas and is being preserved for later generations. Unfortunately there is no one who will ever look at his heart again. This is because everyone simply hates him for his actions and character.

The kid seen in "Nosferatu - Phantom of the Night" removed his eyes with a spoon in the night he died. The police was too late and couldn't arrest the bugger. They just watched as he played awful tunes on his violine. Well, there you go, Klaus.

Most famous outbursts and quotes by Klaus "King" Kinski (with rough translations)[edit]

Deutsches Original Sauerkraut Sprache[edit]

“Ich will mein Ohrensausen!”

~ Klaus on a church tower

“Klara, du Sau!!!”

~ Klaus on his roommate Klara for not ironing his shirts

“Nein, er hat nicht gesagt "Halt die Schnauze". Er hat eine Peitsche genommen, und hat ihm in die Fresse gehauen! Das hat er gemacht! Du dumme Sau!”

~ Klaus on a spectator of his show "Jesus Christus Erlöser" who asked him for a glass of water

“Und wenn hier auch nur ein einziger übrig bleibt, der das hören will, dann soll er solange warten, bis das ganze scheiß Gesindel weggegangen ist!”

~ Klaus on being friendly with his audience, as usual

“So blöd kann keiner sein, dass er nicht merkt, dass von dem Schweinefraß keiner leben kann!”

~ Klaus on being grateful for a cup of coffee from the catering team


“No, he didn't say "Shut the fuck up!". He took a whip and bashed it right into his face! That's what he did! You stupid sow!”

~ Klaus on a spectator of his show "Jesus Christus Erlöser" who dared to protest

“I want my bloody opera!”

~ Klaus on a church tower

“May there be only one, who wants to hear this, he'll have to wait until this whole damn rabble is gone!”

~ Klaus on being friendly with his audience, as usual

“You can't possibly be as stupid as to think that someone could actually live from this pork muck!”

~ Klaus on being grateful for a cup of coffee from the catering team

Stars on Klaus Kinski[edit]

Here are some comments of stars who knew, loved, hated and had sex with Klaus "The Drecksau aus Europa" Kinski.

“A Klaus is a Klaus is a Klaus! That's all there is to say.”

~ Oscar Wilde on there

“He had the most stupid laughter! Eheh, heh, heh, HEH! ...”

~ George W. Bush on Klaus "I-fuck-anything-that-walks" Kinski

“My god, is he ugly!”

~ The Beast on Klaus' beauty

“I did not MURDER him!!!”

~ I, Robot on Klaus Kinski


His spontaneous, insufferable outburst have inspired millions. Girls and owls were quickly handicapped by those who did impressions on Klaus on stages throughout California. Balls were bitten off, testicles severed and neatly cut into 1mm slices, heads bashed, grannies raped, ears filled with oil and mustard, horses moved to abandoned islands, french fries thrown at traitors and bad Hitler imitations were disposed of.

Filmography (mere attempt)[edit]

As a matter of fact it is impossible to list all of the films Klaus "napkin" Kinski has contributed to. He even acted in films long before the invention of the film camera. Here's only the tip of the iceberg.

  • The Creation of the World (as God, 4000 BC)
  • AAA (as Pinball Wizard, 1999)
  • Roundhay Garden Scene (as Ombaba 1888)
  • Adam and Eve (as Eve, 1879)
  • Abba, The Musical (as Synthesizer, 1982)
  • Abc, aka "David Lynch - The Alphabet" (as letter K, 1968)
  • Another film starting with "A" (as extra, 2009)
  • Akira (as Technicolor, 1988)
  • Arche Oh Noes! (as kitten, 500 BC)
  • Blair Witch Project (as Neo, 1999)
  • Citizen Kaneski (as Skid "Rosebud", 1941)
  • Dune (as Worm, 1984)
  • E.T. - The Extra-Testicle (as Foreskin, 1982)
  • Eraserhead (as Rubber, 1977)
  • Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Screaming and Love Werner Herzog (as himself, 1972)
  • Finding Nemo (as Clownfish, 2003)
  • The Dark Knight (as Penguin [scenes deleted], 2008)

The world after Klaus Kinski[edit]

... is simply a better place.