Kitten-related human fatalities

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Kittens are the deadliest of all animals. Of any animal, wild or domestic, they are the ones who have killed the most humans. While many kitten-related deaths are due to huffing, most are just because you sat in its special spot on the couch and pissed the damn thing off.

NOTE: A distinction should here be made between deadly and evil. Cats are not particularly evil, just very deadly. Bunnies, however... well... let's just say you'd do better describing evil in terms of bunnies than vice-versa.


“There's nothing we can't face...except for bunnies.”

~ Anyanka from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Kittens: fuzzy yet deadly[edit]

Contrary to popular opinion, cats cannot see in the dark. They do however, watch you in your sleep.

They lurk in the darkness. They pounce with a deadly efficiency. They shit in your flower garden. They're kittens and they're out to take you down, fool. Do not be fooled by their cute appearance [1]. They know what they're doing, and they're plotting out every step towards your demise[2]. I may be paranoid, but paranoids are just people with all the facts[3]. They're EVERYWHERE. I ain't playing, fool[4].

A cat or a ninja...? Decide quickly

Recorded incidents[edit]

  • In 1950, a kitten scratched the brains out of three children as they were watching the Spanish Inquisition on TV. No one expected it. The children reportedly smelled like a scratching post.
  • In 1965, noted novelist Edgar Rice Burroughs died of an apparent kitten overdose. Although the coroner ruled it a suicide at the official inquest, there continues to be speculation that it was accidental or that foul play was involved.
  • In 1976, an ironic turn of events saw five kitten-incurred deaths at a PETA rally entitled "Kittens Are Our Friends."
  • In 1977, Elvis "The King" Presley dies from a tragic incident involving kitten huffing. Official reports state that paramedics administered Mr. Presley cocaine intravenously in an attempt to counter the effects his failed attempt at huffing the kitten caused. Sources close to the investigation allege that he was huffing the wrong end of the kitten. Anonymous sources have alleged that Osama bin Cuddles, leader of the terrorist group al-Qitty that avenges kitten huffing, offered Mr. Presley his last kitten. This may have been because of jealousy over a lover Mr. Presley and bin Cuddles shared: King Kong.
  • Kitten hurling battles are one of the most common sources of kitten-related human fatalities. The most famous of these was when noted kitten hurler Lord Voldemort used his knowledge of mechanical kitten augmentation to turn the kitten into a gun, with which he shot his opponent right between the eyes. Some critics claim that this wasn't exactly a kitten related death, but they forget that the gun was a kitten to begin with, even if it wasn't when it killed Bob the Builder, the other hurler.
  • At some point, aliens from Neptune had decided to find some kittens after a native species of an animal similar to a kitten called a "methane prone goat" by Earthicans went extinct. After several years of training the Earthican kittens to be like the Neptunian ones, the kittens had hated the Neptunian culture and took over a factory for pants, with 19 leg holes, all of varied lengths and shut down the Neptunian pants industry, causing huge genocides on Neptune, with refugees fleeing to planets such as Caamas, Honoghr, and Embermclene.

Deadliness Index[edit]

They're only cute until someone loses a couple pints of blood.

Surprisingly, kittens are the deadliest animal based on the DI, or Deadliness Index. The DI is calculated as follows:

  • Multiply average number of teeth by 7.
  • Substitute product for X.
  • Solve: 3x+2/pi
  • Throw answer out the window and rank based on pure scariness.

Thus, the rankings are as follows:

  1. Kittens. Oh yes. Be very, very afraid.
  2. Manatees. Flubbery assassins of the deep.
  3. Plankton. Microscopic bearers of doom.
  4. O'Possums. They're deadly only after Dublin Drunken Popes losses, so they kill quite often.
  5. Goats. Only on Wednesdays. DAMN YOU Mr. Possum!!

Kitten safety precautions[edit]

Another CATastrophe

The best defense against kittens is abstinence. Be smart! Your safest bet is to avoid risky activities like participating in unprotected Kitten hurling battles or sharing kittens while kitten huffing. Never share needles or straws.

If you absolutely must be around kittens, please take the following safety precautions.

  1. Wear goggles. Those bastards have talons of fury.
  2. Wear flame-retardant clothing. Kittens are known to burst into flames on command.
  3. Summon the power of Luminos. Luminos is the protector. Follow his wisdom.
  4. Carry a tangerine. Tangerines are to kittens what garlic is to vampires. Plus kittens are allergic to citrus.

Always remember the last resort:

6. RUN! That bastard is gonna hunt you down if you don't leave as fast as possible!

REMEMBER NEVER TO RUN UP A TREE, KITTENS CAN CLIMB TOO

See also[edit]


Notes[edit]

  1. ↑ My cousin was once attacked by a kitten
  2. ↑ No really he was!
  3. ↑ There was blood & carnage everywhere you should have seen it
  4. ↑ To this day he's still afraid of kittens


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