HowTo:Walk like a normal person
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Aaaaaahhh, what a gorgeous day! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and that weird neighbor who kept glancing at your wife moved to Illinois. You suddenly feel the urge to go and read the paper instead of watching news on television. Well, the exercise would be good for you, I mean, just look at yourself. You start toward the driveway of your run-down hovel and....
Oops. That looked like it hurt. Well, at least that concrete wasn't too hard. It was? Oh. Well then, it sounds like you need to learn how to walk like a normal person.
Okay. You are currently lying face-down on concrete, right? Oh, stop whining, it's only a little scratch. So anyway, attempt to move your head. If you cannot, don't worry, help is on the way. Now, move your head from side to side. You may see two long, thick objects attached to your shoulders. No, they are not snakes. Those objects are called arms. You should know that, stupid, you use them for the TV. See if you can move them. If you can, good. Now, position your hands on the concrete. Yes, the objects at the end of your arms. No, the other way. Good. Now push up. Good. Now that you have pushed up, you have completed the first step.
For future reference:
Right is that way
And left is that way
Okay, you are currently standing up. That's what they call it when you aren't sitting or lying down, stupid. If you happen to see a black fuzz surrounding your vision, and are feeling lightheaded, you probably shouldn't have stood up so quickly, or you need to stop smoking meth. Now, can you still move your head? Good. Look down. Yes, towards the ground. Now you may see two long objects attached to your torso. No, not that thing. Farther down. Do you see two objects on the ground? Good! These are called feet. You have completed Step 2!
Okay, before reading this step, read the tip over there, cause I'm not gonna explain this twice. Good. Now, move your right foot. No, the other one. You didn't read the tip, did you? Well, it's not my fault you're a slow reader. Anyway, move your right foot. If you are able to do this, then move it forward. Yes, towards the front of you. Good! Now, shift your massive weight onto that foot. No, it won't snap. Most of the time. Now that your weight is shifted, move your other foot in front of your right one. If that confused you, read it slower. Okay. Have you done that? Excellent! Now do that a couple million times. Normal people call this walking. Don't worry, you don't have to do it all at once. Just try to make it back to the couch.
Advanced walking techniques
There are many advanced walking techniques for a
n00b normal person like you. Here are some:
Okay. This one is pretty complicated, so be careful. When you move your right foot, move your left hand forward. You still remember which way is forward, right? Good. Now, when you move your left foot, move your right hand forward, and your left hand back. Repeat several hundred thousand times. This is helpful if you ever walk long distances.
Okay. You are standing in front of a flight of stairs. First, move your right foot forward. Now move it up. Now move it forward again. Your foot should be right over the stair. Drop foot. Good! You just climbed your first stair. Repeat with your other foot several dozen times and you should be at the top. If you find that you are unable to balance on one foot long enough to move your other foot up the stairs, then you either a) are retarded, b) should never climb stairs, or c) all of the above.
Walking on broken glass
- A neighbor
- A brick
- Two (2) functioning feet
First, pick up the brick. If you are
a fuckin' n00b unable to pick up the brick, then you should work out more. Throw the brick into the neighbor's house. Yes, retard, through the window. It WON'T WORK if you throw the brick through the wall. Now there should be a lot of broken glass below the window (with any luck, there will also be a broken neighbor below the window). Now, walk over the glass and/or neighbor. Ignore the mind-bending agony coming from your feet, that just enhances the walking experience. Good job! You walked on broken glass. Now walk yourself over to the hospital and get those feet looked at.
The Silly Walk
Alright, you've got regular walking all dialed in, right? So you are ready for the Silly Walk. First, start walking normally. Now just do weird random crap with your legs. Like what, you ask? Well, when you step, bend your knee. Or bend it backwards. Or hold it above your head and hop on one foot like a retard with a handgun. Continue doing this until you get to your destination. Then do it some more. And do try not to get hauled off to the mental hospital. They don't let you walk very much there.
Now go out into that big ole world and show everyone that you know how to walk!!