HowTo:Survive a wiki vandal attack

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With the increasing frequency of vandalism on wikis, including Uncyclopedia, it is important that everyone knows how to protect themselves from harm in the likely event of a major vandal attack. Simply follow the steps below to ensure your safety.

Preparing for an Attack[edit]

To survive a vandal attack, you must launch a vandal attack
  1. Build a secure bunker. This can be an unlinked subpage of your userpage, or something else entirely. Just make sure it's secure, or the entire point will be ruined.
  2. Stock your bunker with at least two days' worth of food and water. You'll want non-perishable foodstuffs that can be eaten with little or no preparation. A side note: ramen takes water to cook, and is therefore a bad idea.
  3. Store emergency supplies. At the very least, this should include:
  • flashlights
  • batteries
  • an IRC-brand battery-powered radio that can receive at the very least the channel #uncyclopedia
  • a first-aid kit
  • blankets
  • medicine
  • the phone number for ordering pizza
  • a katana--you know, just for the sheer novelty value of having a katana.

this is unintentional vandalism, as in, where do i add more? sorry for it.-- 19:46, March 14, 2011 (UTC)unknown

a box of IWAY cookies

this is unintentional vandalism, as in, where do i add more? sorry for it. also, why's jib wierd?-- 19:50, March 14, 2011 (UTC)unknown

During the Attack[edit]

  1. At the first sign of trouble, run like hell to your bunker. Vandals can be deadly when provoked, but having a rather thick layer of protection between you and it should prove to be an effective deterrent. Of course, provoking them can be avoided if you follow the next step...
  2. Stay out of sight. Vandals are known to attack anyone, but tend to go after "the cabal" and or anyone affiliated with it. As there is no cabal, the vandals have to make one, and claim that the admins are the "cabal." If you draw attention to yourself, the vandal will think that you are affiliated with the "cabal," and go after you as well.
  3. Wait. The longest continuous vandalism attacks can last two days, but rarely longer. You should be able to survive that long. Possible ways to pass the time include:
Nintendo portable gaming shavers are a good way to get rid of your goatee or pass the time
  • Read
  • Twiddling your thumbs
  • Listening to music
  • Starting a flashlight war with your brothers
  • Sleeping under the blankets
  • Knocking yourself out with an overdose of the medicine
  • Practicing with your katana
  • Eating the pizza
  • Being extremely bored

Note that if you think ahead a bit and convince an attractive member of the opposite sex to share the bunker during the attack, then many more options are open to you, you pimp, you.

Ban the vandal!

After the Attack[edit]

An admin should sound an all-clear alarm once the vandal threat has passed. Once you hear that alarm, it is perfectly safe to leave your bunker and return to Uncyclopedia. If you wish to assist in the cleanup effort, that is perfectly fine, and the admins will appreciate it. Otherwise, continue along whatever business you had in Uncyc before the vandal attack, or else the vandals will have won.

For the Suicidal Courageous[edit]

It is possible for non-admins to assist in defending the wiki against vandalism during the attack, but it is not for the weak of heart. It would be better to save yourself, but if you insist, you can:

  • monitor recent changes and deadend pages for vandalism. Common targets include:
  • revert vandalism by editing an out-of-date, non-vandalized revision and "conveniently forgetting" to add anything else
  • report the vandal to your local Ban Patrol Headquarters
  • try to alert an admin on #uncyclopedia if you have a two-way IRC radio

Keep in mind that doing these will likely make you a target for the vandal. Be prepared to fight for your life.

For Admins[edit]

The banstick being used in action

You should know what to do by now, but if not, then this segment is for you. As soon as a potential vandal is identified, follow these handy steps:

  1. Locate your banstick.
  2. Locate the vandal.
  3. Hit the vandal with the banstick. Hard.
  4. Repeat 3 until beaten into a sufficiently bloody pulp.
  5. Rinse (the blood off) and repeat as necessary.

Remember: Check your local Ban Patrol for possible vandals, and monitor the #uncyclopedia channel for further notices.

The Worst Case Scenario: If Your Bunker is Breached by a Vandal[edit]

Oh no! A drunk vandal!

Do any of the following things in any order you wish:

  • Scream.
  • Run.
  • Run like hell.
  • Shit yourself.
  • Blindly jab at the vandal with a pointy object.
  • Scream like a schoolgirl.
  • Hope a grue eats it.
  • Hope a grue eats you.
  • Commit hara-kiri.
  • Scream loud enough to shatter glass.
  • Disappear in a puff of logic.
  • Attempt to taunt the vandal to death.
  • Ignore the vandal and continue eating the pizza.
  • Shine the flashlight in the vandal's eyes.
  • All of the above.
  • None of the above.

This brochure has been prepared and distributed by the Uncyclopedia Center for Administrative Bullshit And Lies, and your local Ban Patrol.