HowTo:Make the Baby Jesus Cry
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So you want to make the baby Jesus cry? No problem! Make the infant version of the Christian savior wail, guaranteed with this comprehensive guide!
Why Does the Baby Jesus Cry?
Simply put, the baby Jesus cries because of all the horrible people and things in the world. You would cry, too, if you were the embodiment of purity and you saw a turd. Since the baby Jesus is not old enough to make use of language or semaphore, all he can do is bawl his little eyes out.
Why Should You Want to Make the Baby Jesus Cry?
The answer is mimes!
The answer to this question can be summed up in another question: Who doesn't want to annoy the son of God?
Remember when your parents told you to be something when you grew up? Of course not, you're reading Uncyclopedia!
Be Adolf Hitler
It really shouldn't be too hard to mess this one up. All you have to do is kill six million Jews and twelve million gypsies! After that, it's a safe bet that the baby Jesus will cry.
Be Ann Coulter
Scientists are stumped as to how someone so Christian can have such a black heart. Can you figure it out? If you're Ann Coulter, insulting widows who lost husbands in a terrorist attack makes perfect sense! Your soul is so black, black people call up and ask for their skin color back.
The question still remains, how do you make the baby Jesus cry? If you walk up to him he'll certainly cringe, but what starts the flow of tears? Try these fun activities that will surely come naturally to you:
- Heil Hitlter!
- Show Jesus your breasts, rotten with the milk of Satan.
- Endorse the baby Jesus.
- Cross-dress as a woman. Oh wait, you already do!
The baby Jesus is a white supremacist!
Notice how there are no black people in the Bible? There's a good reason for that, and it shouldn't be too hard to guess why when the baby Jesus cries at your appearance. Remember, the baby Jesus won't grow up into Black Jesus; only the baby black Jesus can do that, and he doesn't exist!
Also consider Jesus' previous relationship with black people. In the early 1800s in the American South, blacks were slaves to the white people. And of course, you know which religion the slave owners believed. Any questions?
You're a clever hipster aren't you, with your horn-rimmed glasses, track suit, and Converse shoes! Tell the baby Jesus how much you love My Chemical Romance and watch as he wishes that he could kill himself in front of you.
Whoa, let's not go overboard! You want to make Jesus cry, not have his Dad smite you!
Nothing can make tears flow from Baby Jesus' welling eyes by liking men. Having the hankering for a sausage is a stain on your soul. It's just plain wrong to not like the women, right? If you encounter the baby Jesus, try some of these methods:
- Post an article to Uncyclopedia and show it to the baby Jesus.
- Perform a dance routine involving the song "Wake Me Up Before you Go Go" by Wham!
- Fellate a friend of the same gender in front of Jesus!
- Have sex with a friend of the same gender in front of Jesus!
- If you're a man, have sex with the baby Jesus. He probably will not like this very much!
- Be Richard Simmons.
You've died your hair black, you wear leather and black eyeshadow, and your favorite band is AFI. Congratulations, this is enough to make just about anyone cry.
Perhaps you don't want to be gay, goth, or Richard Simmons. This is quite understandable, but uh-oh--right now the Lord's face is lighting up with glee that you're a clean human being! Put a stop to this through acts that will make his head spin.
What's that? You're going to disprove the story of Adam and Eve? Well, you dirty sinner, you, you probably have a soul made of charcoal! It's an excellent way to upset Jesus, so try to shoot for one of these fun animal abominations:
- Monkey-Human Hybrid. Your father wasn't a monkey, but you can sure be one!
- Chuck Norris-Human hybrid. The power of the roundhouse kick, the intelligence of Dan Quayle!
- Pokemon-Human Hybrid. Evolution can make Jesus cry for Mary, so just think about what'll happen if you evolve into a fictional animal hybrid not seen outside of fanfiction!
- Protoss. Power overwhelming!
Have an Abortion
Abortions are usually performed by women. If you're a man, having an abortion will make the Lord really scream!
Jesus cries when you kill babies. It's just that simple. Murdering an innocent soul still in your womb can cause the baby Jesus sadness for days on end. For added effect, do it right in front of him and with one of these unconventional items:
- A coat hanger
- A gun
- A cross
- A puppy
- Some scissors--snip snip!
Huff a Kitten
Try the orange ones. They'll really fuck you up.
True, the baby Jesus is too young to know when you are lying. But Jesus is such a special pooping youngster that he can tell if you are lying or not. Try it. Go on. These false statements will make the baby son of God cry with the intensity of Tom Cruise sucking the life out of all that is good in the world:
- "I never killed those hooker mimes."
- "I don't masturbate."
- "George W. Bush is a great president."
- "My penis is six inches long."
- "I'm your father."
Marry a Person of the Same Gender
This is an offshoot of the "be gay" strategy, but this method does not require you to embarass yourself. Instead, you get to make an abomination out of the holy historical ceremony of marriage. Does that make the baby Jesus cry? Like Drew Carey hunting for donuts.