HowTo:Explain fist-fucking to your children
“This guide fills a hole in my knowledge.”
Dear mammies, dear pappies - why, I must say, aren't your children are growing so fast! Six years have shot by and they've already reached that age where they start asking embarrassing questions our sincerity-shy Western cultures can't cope with. Like, for example, “How do we make babies?”, “Is life worth living?”, “How can we rebalance Pakistan’s socio-economic problems?”, and of course that recurring question that I'm sure you're all heard by now: “What is fist-fucking?'”
Most parents will evade the question in rather a patronising manner, with the generic answer offered being a somewhat embarrassed muttering along the lines of, “You're too young to understand. Go back to your room, chat on MSN with the nice man who always asks for naked pictures of yourself”. Thus the poor kid returns to his own world, with no answers to his questions, all because his narrow-minded parents don’t want to share their knowledge.
For God's sake, dear mammies and dear pappies (and you too dear mammies to come and dear pappies to come), don’t turn your back on your responsibilities! Especially on a subject as all-important as fist-fucking. Of course, youre quite right, it’s not recommended to explain this natural process with adult words, your child won't possess the vocabulary necessary for such enlightenment. Your child must understand the concept without knowing everything about it; there are some things he will have to find out by himself. So, to help you, we have prepared this little guide - with good illustrations of course - that will help you talking frankly with your children and by doing so, fill a gaping hole in their everyday life.
The Animal Approach[edit]
Using animals to symbolize human behavior and explain complex concepts to children is an old tradition. Everyone remembers when they were kids, when their mammy would explain where babies come from using the imagery of bees collecting pollen in flowers and fertilizing the woman’s uterus (or something like that). The famous French fabulist,Jean de la Fontaine, was also very good at characterising and exploring human behaviour in his written texts through the personification of animals. Unfortunately, he died before he could compose a fable about fist-fucking (Fist-Fucking Fable From French Famous Fabulist la Fontaine, what a good title it would have been!) but we have on our writing team here a poet just as inspired as la Fontaine who is willing to help us with that. So let me introduce our fist-fucking specialist, Vern.
The Guide[edit]
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"Hey kids! Now, fist-fucking comes from the old English word "fist" which means "fist" and "fucking" which means "to put a little seed in the belly of your momma". Unfortunately I don’t have access to any mommas, so to show you the right way to fist-fuck, I’m gonna have to choose the old Routine."
"Damn it which one is it? Routine! ROUTIIIIINE! Come to papa sweetie!" |
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"Ah, here she is! Dun be afraid darling, I just need your help to explain something to the kids. Yeah, ok, we can go for a bite at the Texas Roadhouse after. Ok, so kids, this here be a cow. Now this is just for you to understand the process kay? This is a FABLE to describe fist-fucking with an animal I have trained 'specially for years and years. Don’t ever try this at home with your cat or goldfish, kay?" |
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"Fist-fucking usually takes place around the rear of the subject. Here for example, you can see a man visiting our fist-fucking booth at the last Uncyclopedia Convention (Las Vegas, 4th-6th December 2008) who obviously didn’t get it at all." |
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"So kids, once you're sure you're at the right side of the subject, take your hand and form a fist with it, like this. Kay?" |
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"No! Kids! I said a FIST! It ain't so easy workin' with kids! At the back of the subject, you will find one or two holes, depending on the type. You can practice fist-fucking on any type, or even both if your subject is very open-minded. For our example, we will choose the hole that smells like cow dung. So, stay firm on your legs, put your fist at the entrance of the hole and push as hard you can. Don't stop until the cow asks you for a smoke." |
Conclusion[edit]
Well, thank you very much, Vern. Now dear parents you know everything about the best way to explain fist-fucking to your children. Don't forget, if you need more details, you are free to visit our show-room here at the Uncyclopedia Center where Stevie, one of a number of our fist-fucking specialists, would be only too happy to give a very convincing demonstration.
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Featured on the 20th of February 2010 |
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 This article is based on the Désencyclopédian text Comment expliquer le fist-fucking à ses enfants, made freely available to French-speaking wildebeest gnus under the GFDL. |