Fable
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“So some of the features I mentioned earlier never made it in. Things had to be sacrificed for the general artistic vision. Don't you know how long it took to implement the farting and burping system?”
“Yup, I managed to murder 20 villagers in their homes without being caught. Then I went and played some Fable.”
“Even coming from me, I must say I do feel sorry for the developers; they have clearly never been breast fed. There are times that a woman's touch is strangely necessary. ”
“Yeah, you got us, mates. We were watching an awful lot of sexy Atheist Homosexual dog shit eating Japanese porn when we made this game!”
Fable is a teenage boy's low fantasy role playing game that boasts a detailed, well developed story line that allows the player to explore in-depth the breadth of human values, the wide range of their theoretical implications, as well as their use in practice. This would serve as a remarkably cerebral activity in between what most people spend their time doing in the game; having sex, murdering villagers in their sleep, and subsequently renting their latest victim's now-vacant domicile out to his or her recently-made-former friends and family members.
Fable is unique, in that while it has been highly praised for its deep story and sophisticated gameplay, much of the game involves muscly, half naked men who who will beat and wipe you throughout the game at the slightest of provocations. Most of the women, by contrast, are rake thin with massive tits, and, if always a little homely are perfectly willing to have sex with you even if something so trivial as a forty-year age difference threatens to interpose itself between your esteemed self and red-hot lights-off slow missionary bedsex nookie. Additionally, they are all men, which is at least a small part of the reason why you can't have children with them.
Crime in Fable[edit]
Fable is an enchanting magical place. But a dangerous one. As a matter of fact it is so dangerous that there are authoritarian no go zones patrolled by terrible foes. These far away places (about 500 metres away from any town) are only very seldom patrolled by the cockney-speaking kingdom's inept guardsmen and only when they have to and aren't conducting an execution in enemy territory or in a town for accidentally attempting to steal a pie.
When you are caught committing a crime, justice is swift. You are given a fine and don't think there is a way out of it, because it applies no matter what the offence (unless of course you can't pay it, in which case... well, nothing really). In the event that you commit mass murder, you have to pay the fine (only if you can afford it of course) and you are thrown out, and to get back in, you have to go through the painstaking process of turning 180• and walking nonchalantly back into the town.
If you leave town without reimbursing people for your crime, do not worry; the system revolves around forgiveness. Just simply leave the town for a few days and the charges will be dropped. No one will even remember that you decapitated Mr. Smith from next door (most people in the game suffer from severe memory loss, a condition probably brought about from everyone's daily exposure to large amounts of inane one-sided conversations).
Future expansion packs promise to deliver a judicial system for added realism. If you are rich, you will be able to get away with crimes that everyone knows you committed and be reimbursed by the victims for court costs.
Characters[edit]
- You: No matter what path you take, your character is seriously disturbed, and should consequently get some professional help right away.
- Jack of Blades: An evil demonic lord with a mask that wouldn't be entirely out of place in a BDSM dungeon. Though he spends most of his free time going around murdering people in large numbers, he still retains the status of a celebrity and is greeted warmly by his victims before their bloody or fiery deaths.
- Your sister: Your sister plays a major role in the story, as she has the ability to see into the future and yet she doesn't do anything to prevent her eyes being gouged out, her village slaughtered, both her parents murdered, you tortured, your mother assaulted first, your new adoptive father stabbing you in the back to gain centuries old power, and the killing of hundreds people and possibly even her.
- Your mother: On one magical day, you emerged from her, umm, "inner sanctuary" after she fought off a hoard of werewolves, and followed in her footsteps of being a kick-ass hero.
- Your father: On another magical day, this man was nice to your mother, they got hitched, and she's been regretting it ever since. Oh, and it is your goal in life to avenge the kindly, if simple woodsman's death.
- Maze: A great wise hero who thinks it's okay to watch you 24/7.
- Guildmaster: A delightful fellow who never, ever, ever stops telling you when your health or will is low. By Fable II, Lionhead at-least had the decency to say he was brutally murdered.
Storyline[edit]
You start your adventure in the quiet little town of Oakvale. You are woken from your dreams by your father, who reminds you that it's your sister's birthday and you haven't got her a present. He makes you a deal; he will give you a blowjob for every good deed you do around the village so you can buy candy from a strange old man from out of town.
Fortunately for you, there are exactly the number of potentially good deeds for you to do whose cash rewards add up to the exact amount you need. Although your father was being a bit generous when he paid you for beating the shit out of someone's kid without warning.
You buy the chocolate and go to your sister. The village is suddenly raided by bandits dressed like male prostitutes. They slaughter your father and gouge your sisters eyes out. She didn't see that coming. (Geddit? Coz with no eyes she can't see with no eyes, and, like, there's that saying, and, you know...oh all right, never mind...) The guards seem to disappear when all this happens, as is their time-honoured custom. You are saved by another strange old man who takes you back to the Hero's Guild.
“Hero, your standing in the community is getting low. Drink at the tavern to fit in, or just stop abusing their poultry. references”
The Hero's Guild is, quite simply, a sort of boarding school that trains adolescents to kill. Whether you're killing bandits, murderers, old maids, young women, or innocent village poofs who happen to be shopkeeps or homeowners is an issue quite outside their area of concern. The guild has a policy of letting the students use the skills they are given for good or bad and they even let the good and bad students kill each other as long as they do that outside. One time though, someone didn't listen and the place got messed up. Despite all the incredible money and effort that goes into this, no one seems to have realized that this the same as not having a guild in the first place.
Your teen years are a nightmare for you when growing up in the academy. You are incredibly frustrated, you have never even seen yourself naked before because it is completely impossible for you to take off all your clothes. You have no penis and for some reason the British flag has been permanently branded into your pelvis. This leads to very strange sexual behavior, which is why you are given the name "chicken chaser" while growing up in the academy.
You eventually leave, and are told about your sister who has befriended and possibly slept with the bandits that gouged out her eyes out and slaughtered her village.
Getting into the bandits lair to extricate her is a simple task of swapping your clothes with a bandit's outfit, which they have been clever enough to conveniently leave unguarded in a chest out in the open.
Gaurd 1: Alright, so no one here knows you, but you're dressed like a prostitute so come on in.
(You walk in)
Guard 2: Um, isn't he that famous guy who goes round slaughtering our friends?
Guard 1: No, of course not, he's wearing a hood.
Guard 2: Oh, of course. Silly me that was a bit of a stupid thing to say.
Guard 1: Ha ha ha, you got that right. Don't worry, we all say silly things occasionally.
Guard 2: Ha ha ha, yeah... but, what if, theoretically, and let me just emphasis "theoretically", he was that guy, and he was, somehow, at the same time wearing a bandit uniform?
Guard 1: Oh, don't be stupid, how could he be wearing one of our uniforms? This one's been practically welded to my body since that raid 10 years ago!
Guard 2: Well, I wasn't going to mention this, but isn't that the exact same uniform that we left unguarded out in the open?
Guard 1: What are you saying?
Guard 2: Um... I don't really know. I just thought that might mean something. I 'spose I need just to lay off the 'shrooms, then.
You find it very easy to get to bed with her, seeing as she's blind and she can't tell you're not her husband. You do not lose any hero points for this, because it is what's known as a "victimless crime". As a matter of fact she tells you it was the most pleasurable experience she's ever had, and commends you for involving the chicken. She'd never thought of using them like that before. However, it still did you no good.
Afterward, the part of the story that is shown to the player takes place. You fight the bandit king you are given the option of killing him, and then your sister, who is in quite a chirpy mood, tells you that your mother is chained up in prison.
“Mother? Chained up? Mmm. It... Bloody hell, why am I even pretending to give it a second thought?”
“And so the hero set off to find his mother in his quest for sexual satisfaction. He put his life on the line and battled many terrible foes in his searches. But it was worth it, because he knew that destiny would lead him once again, to sucking his mother's nipples. But this time he had a very different purpose in mind. ”
Eventually you find your mother, but before you can do the deed, you are captured. This is heartbreaking to you. Suddenly your character makes a HUGE scream from the dungeon and the screen blackens. Even George. W. Bush knowed that the Hero got Fucked..
“Hero, I must strongly recommend that you do not make a joke about prison homosexuality.”
You escape from prison and set off to find your sister. Once you arrive at the place you tell your mum you are going to "Scout out the terrain first" which isn't a lie as such.
“Brother, what the hell are you doing!?”
It suddenly occurs to you that you killed her husband. She screams at you to get out, but to leave the chicken.
Then it's off to find your sister, who's been forcibly abducted by Jack and sequestered in your burning school, save her life, and choose whether or not to kill her while she's still shaken up and vulnerable, something that, knowing yourself, you are pretty sure will make the thing you like to hold in your hand a bigger one.
Alignment[edit]
The game has a karmic alignment system that doesn't quite go much beyond good and evil, even though it was originally intended not to be just black and white. In it, the goodness or evilness of your actions simply bring you closer or further away from being good or evil. Bad deeds include of course filching things, killing innocents, eating live animals, stalking people, kicking decapitated heads, and trying to masturbate (Separately of course, although eating live animals is still bad even if you do masturbate at the same time). Don't worry, the game takes the time to explain to you that these things are bad, just in case you happen to be a sociopath who goes round eating people's pets and murdering strangers for no reason. Good deeds include saving people, killing bad guys, and for some strange reason, eating tofu (Theoretically eating enough tofu will make up for slaughtering an entire village. What kind of sick nutrient defined bloke-fucker made this game, anyway?). The more evil or good you become defines the way you look, for example,the more evil you become the smaller your penis will become until it spreads across your groin with a pattern that looks like the Union Jack and you will lose your hair, and if you become good, you become more vulnerable to (but also more accepting and tolerant of) gay rape, wrinkles, and ageing: circles will develop around your eyes and above your head. If you end up less than virtuous, don't worry, you can still pleasure the pudgy dowdies out of their dowries if you make clever use of the horns on your head.
Growing up[edit]
Your body develops in a very, very unusual way. You are one of only 4 or 5 people in the game that actually ages, and you do it at an incredible rate. You age by about 20 years in between events that take 2 days in the story, and no one even notices.
Puberty doesn't occur until you are at least 30, but it only happens if you do warrior or skill training. Until you hit puberty, all your weapons are about 3 times bigger than you are, but you can still wield them perfectly well. Going to prison for many years ages you immensely, particularly when you spend many years there.
Sexuality[edit]
My friend, if you have played this game, you have unknowingly been looking at pixel porn. As a matter of fact, every original fantasy game is basically porn. They always feature some woman with gargantuan breasts and microscopic nipples that somehow manage to remain hidden underneath their tiny clothes. However this game will also make you angry for it is retarded. IGN called this game the most retarded Homosexual game ever made in the Universe!
Your character has a very strange habit of recording the number of times he has had sex. When you go to bed, the screen blacks out and plays very generic looped sounds, indicating your wife/husband's pleasure "ow ooooo, oooo that's nice, oh I say. a ha ha ha! ow ooooo, oooo that's lovely"
“She is beginning to lose interest, hero. Switch to the "cowboy" pose.”
To add to the realism and improvise a sort of compatibility between the game and your force-feedback capable joystick, you can try masturbating while the screen is so randily blacked out. Although, this necessarily entails that, just like the hero, you have to get it over and done with in under 10 seconds.
Oh, and by the way, since you're reading this, can I ask you something? How the heck can someone get their jollies out of listening to a voice actor make pseudo-erotic noises into a microphone? Were you under the impression that it was an actual recording of the sounds of a woman modestly enjoying sex?
Because that would be disgusting and I believe illegal.
Fable II[edit]
“Yeah, about that content we were gonna put in...”
Less spells, no armor, less weapons, less augments, less abilities, less just about everything. Did you like fighting the dragon at the end of Fable: TLC? Well don't you fret, you'll love watching SOMEBODY ELSE kill the bad guy in Fable II who murdered your sister and threw you out of a 50 story building. But the game looks pretty and that's all that matters... right?
Fable III[edit]
Even less choices of clothing, weapons and the protagonist that... oh god, TALKS!
Didn't think Peter could actually manage to take away even more content and somehow add content that was detrimental to the game itself, did you?
Fable: The Journey[edit]
Hrmm, starting to see a pattern here:
1. Less content 2. More unappealing content 3. Head developer that says 'man', 'cool' and talks about content that will never make it in the game, a lot
But Peter said it is going to be different this time, so I think this one is going to be okay!