History of the Dutch
“Cool, they actually made something up that involves me as Emperor”
The history of the Dutch is a long and hopelessly complicated affair which includes a diverse culture made of Cloggies, Weed people, Cheeseheads and Dyke-fuckers who have long strived to be recognized as the mythical rulers of the world.
So it begins...
As told in Genesis, God was saddened by seeing all the great evil that had entered man's heart, and what do sad people do? They decide to destroy mankind. He selected Noah, who alone with his family was righteous, and instructed him to build an ark and preserve two of each creature. After Noah built the ark, God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights. After 150 days, the ark came to rest on the mountains of Ararat, and the righteous people get a fresh new start.
But that's not the whole story. You see, the most evil of the most villainous, the Dutch, survived the great flood. In a far away corner of Europe, they had constructed dykes, dams and windmills. While Noah spent 150 days on a wooden boat, smelling the manure of every single animal to walk the earth, the Dutch sat on their dykes and watched everyone (including old people, babies and adorable little kittens) drown in the water below them. While Noah landed his manure boat on Mount Ararat and began to repopulate the world with nice and good people, the Dutch swore to be a scourge to mankind until the coming of Satan.
The Dutch and other peoples
The Dutch and the Jews
In the beginning the Dutch and Jews waged a lot of wars (Goliath was in fact a Dutchman of medium height, fighting for Philistines) with each other. Most had to do with their similar interests; world domination, money, power, and cheese. With both people exhausted by the many wars, they made a pact, and would promise to work together in their quest to become the masters of the world.
The Dutch and the Romans
After introducing the Greeks to weed, the Dutch experienced a period of relative quiet life. However this ended when the Romans decided to establish a New World Order. But to do this, they had to get rid of the old one first. Some 8 Legions of little Italians marched up north. Despite fighting their way past the Proto-French (Gauls) with the usual ease they were stopped by the Dutch because they flooded the land that the Romans were marching on and the Romans drowned. Although it was long thought they drowned because of their heavy armour, current historians believe it was because of the Italians were too lazy to swim. Nevertheless, after this the Dutch learned a valuable lesson: keep a low profile.
The Dutch and Vikings
The Roman Empire eventually collapsed because a Dutch philosopher invented the idea of the Flying spaghetti monster (Italy would never be the same again) but as the Dutch saga continued, the Dutch came into contact with other peoples, among them: the Vikings. Originally the Vikings were just poor farmers looking for good farmland outside their crappy Scandinavian homeland. One of the first places they visited were the Netherlands, where they ... naturally ... met the Dutch. The Dutch were surprised about the Vikings' work ethic and asked them why they would rather work months on the fields, while they could just as easily get their food by smashing their axes into the heads of English monks across the pond. The Vikings, being rather stupid (a feature still common among their descendants today) didn't know either and the rest is history.
The Dutch and Russians
Inevitably, the Dutch learning of Scandinavia, roamed out of their Wetlands and started to take Raiding Tours together with their Viking friends. They discovered at the other edge of Scandinavia, a nice place with a lot of sheep along side a river. This 'Wolly" river Wolga became later a big supplier for an new invented drink derived from this Wolga-water, Vodka. They immediately started building a settlement there, and exported this across all their controlled lands. It did not take long before a more smarter person stepped up and claimed all the land behind this river. This guy, Peter the Great decided that all locals should rest ("rusten" in Dutch) during the long winters that came. Now known for taking long breaks between work, this people became known as "Rusters". Later the locals developed this into "Russen", and the new homeland was called "Russia". And we know what these new Dutch breeders created next.
The Dutch and the Germans
Somewhere during the late Medieval period, God tried to confuse Satan by creating another evil people, this time intentionally. In 1383, in a shit-infested Polish barn the first German child was born. However Gods plan backfired, because not only did the Germans try to exterminate his beloved pets they also failed to interest Satan as they lost both World Wars ... well, lost is kind of an understatement, they got totally PWNED ... twice. Their relation with the Dutch has always been quite tense, the Dutch didn't want any competition and the Germans always wanted to be better than the Dutch. Eventually the Dutch beat the Germans, as their strategy of mass globalisation and unrelenting capitalism proved to be superior to the eternal German desire of world domination (a desire so strong they even followed an ugly-moustached homosexual). Today the Dutch enjoy a fairly positive image in the world, whereas nobody on earth either likes or wants to be German. Not even the Germans themselves. This gave rise to the Dutch proverb; "Ik mag dan wel een duivelskind zijn, maar gelukkig geen mof", which roughly translates as "I may be the son of the devil, but at least I'm not German".
The Dutch and the Belgians
Belgians are essentially Dutch people, they come into 2 varieties, a Dutch-speaking (the intelligent and civilized) kind and a French-speaking (but more lazy and dumb) variant. As said before, both are nearly identical, the main differences are that Belgians are more perverse and sex-oriented, while the common Dutch generally abstain from such antics and are more fixed on money.
The Dutch and the Poles
The Dutch, until about the year 2003 (with the exception of 1940/1945, when their later PWND neigbours, the Germans, tried to exterminate the Dutch) never met any Polish people. This all changed when the clever and scroogy Dutch found out that a Pole will do your plumbing for a nickel and paint your house for a penny (though the good ones will work for as much as a sandwhich). Today Poles can be found all over the Netherlands, and are widely kept as slaves and pets. The only negative side effect of the Poles is that they seem incapable of driving cars, while being sober. They share this trait with the Germans, with the only difference being that Poles can't afford cars that go over 50 mph and at least try to abide Dutch traffic rules.
The Dutch and the conquest for world domination
By 2132, the Dutch population had reached the milestone of 20 million, with another 5 million living in the Empire's lunar colony. The Emperor, Jan Klaasen, opened a secret military research facility in Flevoland named Gebied 01, which translates roughly to 'Area 01' this is obviously a major ripoff from Area 51, but nobody cared. In Gebied 01 Dutch scientists were secretly developing supersoldiers by merging the DNA of the regular Dutchman with that of Grues, Chuck Norris, Oscar Wilde and God. The first attempt failed and created the first retard, who was then used as a test subject for the time machine the Dutch were also developing in Gebied 01. this failed experiment thus became the ancestor of all retards. The second attempt created George H. W. Bush, who was sent back as a baby to 1924. The third attempt was partially successful. The DNA changes had the desired effect on the Dutchman, but he turned out to be Dr. Phil in disguise, so they tried to kill him. This was impossible. So they did a fourth attempt which went perfect. They immediately sent this supersoldier after Dr. Phil who was currently trashing Africa. The Dutch didn't really care about Africa, but if other nations found out about what was happening in Gebied 01... The supersoldier effectively eliminated Dr. Phil and was called back home. He came immediately and was cloned a couple ten thousand times. Jan Klaasen then sent messages to every government of the world, and Romania, that said that they should submit to his rule directly, or be destroyed. The evil empress of the US, Hillary Clinton, reacted by launching a full-scale nuclear attack at the Evil Empire Of Doom. The Emperor, Jan Klaasen, ordered the supersoldiers to catch the nuclear missiles with their mouths, effectively swallowing them, like the cat in The Simpsons Movie tried to do, and to fart them out again in the US. This almost completely eliminated the entire US. The rest was taken care of using apple juice farts. After that, every country surrendered. Except Australia. Fuck them. Jan Klaasen and the Dutch now had everything they always wanted. In the far away future, they would be recognised as the omnipotent mythical rulers of the world, as they had always aspired to be.
The leaders of the new world
Jan Klaasen looked at what he had done for the Dutch people and decided it wasn't enough. He instated a couple of laws that stated that the Dutch people were more important than all the others and that only the original Dutch people could become emperor. This enraged a couple of people, who were quickly taken care of using apple juice farts. After that Klaasen stated that apple juice farts were made of epic win. And apple juice. Because Jan Klaasen was made of the purest win, and did everything for the lulz, God, Satan and Oscar Wilde decided that after his death, he was to be ascended into some God-like entity, after which God and Satan would be banished to a plane of existence known as 'The Plane Of Suck'. Three guesses what Jan did when he heard that. That's right. He died. In 2285
He was succeeded by the steph-nephew of his uncle-in-law, Kees Kutaap. Kutaap was no success as an emperor and was executed in less than a year by some cheeseheads who, through the re-invention of weed, became new weed-people. the weed-people then set up a democrazy. which completely fucked up everything, everywhere, everytime. Luckily, the Dyke-fuckers fixed the problem by eliminating the new weed-people through the subtle use of apple juice farts in 2293. The popular Dyke-fucker, Gerard Klootmogool, then became Emperor of the restored Evil Empire of Doom.
Klootmogool ruled for 107 years. After which he died and was replaced by an ancient Dutch duke. the duke fucked your mother, who then gave birth to Thingy. When Jan I van Brabant died, Thingy was too young to become Emperor, so Oscar Wilde took the job instead. When, 310, years later, Oscar Wilde got bored, Santa took over. In 2835, Thingy was finally old enough for his position as Emperor. He took over from Santa and 112 years later, in 3047, he died. Being Thingy's mother, your mom was then declared Emperor. She was banished 21 years later for not being Dutch and still being Emperor. Not being able to find a suitable replacement, the Dutch asked Oscar Wilde to come back. Oscar finally gave in and ruled the Earth until the end of times.
in between the crowning of Gerard Klootmogool and the second crowning of Oscar Wilde. Not many things happened. The super soldiers, not having anything to do, started breeding like crazy and now virtually every cheesehead has the superhuman abilities Dr. Phil and the first supersoldier once had.
In 3069, Oscar Wilde decided it was time humanity, and more importantly, the Dutch, started ruling more than just Earth. This coincided with the invention of the Hyperdrive. With this new technology, powered by apple juice farts. Oscar Wilde quickly had a fleet of starships built and used them to conquer the galaxy. By 3072, the last alien race opposing him, the notorious Borg, had been crumbled under Wilde's imperialism.
A few centuries later, Wilde was visited by the omnipotent, godlike Jan Klaasen, who had been exploring the universe using his godly powers, and figured that all life he found was not worthy of ruling itself. Klaasen told Wilde that he should expand his rule to the edge of the universe, for the sole reason of that expanding further was impossible. Wilde did what he was asked (he was bored anyway) and started conquering other galaxies. The starships constantly stumbled on abandoned outposts from some hyper advanced civilization. Because Wilde didn't want to be bothered with shit like that, he stated that, should any ship come across an outpost like that, it was to be pillaged and stripped of anything useful. The Evil Empire of Doom expanded and expanded, still under the rule of Oscar Wilde and the Dutch elite. In 4139, Wilde was emperor of the entire universe, except one galaxy. This galaxy was entirely populated by the hyper-advanced civilization, the PFFFFT. The Empire and the PFFFFT fought, battled and struggled for millions of years, until, one day in 45 286 993 AD, Oscar Wilde himself came to the front. He drank 200 liters of apple juice and released the biggest, stinkiest and asplodiest apple juice fart EVAH! The PFFFFT (and just about half of the rest of everything) did not survive.
Results of the apple juice fart of Oscar Wilde
“I pity the fool who inhaled the apple juice fart!”
“There were no survivors”
Along with the regular ingredients of apple juice farts, Oscar Wilde pushed out nuclear radiation, sheer awesomeness and epic win. This resulted in a distortion of the magnetic field of a single hydrogen atom which then asploded, creating a tear in the fabric of space. this tear caused the cosmic strings of which the fabric of space was woven to vibrate from tip to bottom. This, essentially, made the universe into one giant vibrator, which was then shoved up your mother's ass by Jan Klaasen, in the hope that it would stop the vibrating. The combination of FAT ASS, vibration and apple juice farts caused the formation of black holes, white holes, Asian holes and wormholes which completely tore up all the matter in the universe into gas, space dust and quantum singularities. The blast knocked the almighty Jan Klaasen unconscious. When Jan waked up millions of years later, he noticed there was nothing but boring dust, from here to infinity, and beyond. He started to cry for his mommy and when that was finished, he went on a trip around the universe looking for something to play with, like a kitten, a nipple or a clitoris. when he found nothing, he tried to commit suicide out of sheer boredom. This failed, and he discovered he was too omnipotent to die. He also noticed that slowly all the space dust was pulled together by gravity. with nothing to fill it, space followed and compressed the massive bole of space dust even further, causing it to form one massive atom. Not being able to fit inside together with the atom, Jan moved a few meters beyond the edge of the universe. He observed how Chuck Norris came out of nothingness and for the sake of the joke, said, "Let there be light!" Then, several things happened. Chuck Norris said "Say please." Jan said "Pweez Mr. Norris." To which Chuck responded "Ok, but first, yo momma has ta move out da way cause she's so fat." Then there was light. Time itself had restarted. Jan Klaasen took on the role of God.
And what happened to Oscar Wilde? He arrived on his magical penny-farthing three seconds before Chuck Norris turned on the light. His magical penny-farthing was capable of time-travel. When he had released his apple juice fart, in 45 286 993 AD, he traveled back to three seconds before Chuck Norris turned on the light. This was essentially how the universe ended and began again.
List of emperors of the Evil Empire of Doom
- Jan Jaap Rukkergaap, 2053-2107
- Jan Klaasen, 2107-2285
- Kees Kutaap, 2285-2286
The Empire was replaced with a democrazy for a brief period, because some cheeseheads re-invented weed and became weed-people.
- Gerard Klootmogool, 2293-2400
- CERALS, 2400-2476
- Oscar Wilde, 2476-2786
- Santa Claus, 2786-2835
- Thingy, 2835-3047
- Your mom, 3047-3068 (banished by an angry mob when the Dutch found out she wasn't Dutch)
- Oscar Wilde, 3068-The last day of the last week of the universe
- Word has it that he erroneously picked two bulls for the camels, but it turned out they were both gay so cameldom was saved from extinction after all.