Harry Ramsden's
Harry Ramsden's is a chain of fish and chip which, unusually in the United Kingdom, is not owned and run by Chinese people. They offer fish at low prices - often just two or three times the price of fish sold by less famous shops, and have buildings in England, Saudi Arabia and Hoth.
Origins[edit]
The chain was started by Harry Ramsden, a male prostitute who lived in a wooden shed in Guiseley near Leeds, who had a fetish for haddock. Fish lovers attempted to prevent Ramsden's sexual habits by eating the haddock before he could commit perverse acts upon them. However, in addition to this, they also confiscated Ramsden's sex toys stash which left him sufficiently sober as to have the idea of establishing a shop in order to gain access to fish for him to hump. Harry ran it until suffering a heart attack in 1957 (believed to have been caused by his habit of draining the deep fat fryers at the end of each day by drinking their contents), at which point his cousin Rami Ramsden replaced him - Rami has continued to run the empire ever since. Unlike the majority of fish and chip shops, who reduce costs by using the same oil for weeks on end, Ramsdens continues to use fresh oil every day. However, rather than disposing of it in Harry's manner, they now simply ladle it onto each portion of chips sold after midday. The extra greasy texture that results has made the chain by far the most profitable fish and chip retail company in the North of England, the inhabitants of which have a great love of unhealthy, greasy foods.
Bankruptcy[edit]
Harry's alcoholism became so acute that he rapidly drank his way through the fortune he'd amassed from the success of his first shop. It was only then he decided to take action by buying his booze from Quality Save, a supermarket specialising in sales of super-strength lager and cider at discount prices. With the money he had saved he marketed his firm and even tried to develop a 'space age' theme with a new chain called 'Radioactive Ramsdens'. This closed after trading for just two months when it was discovered that the chain had accidentally purchased a consignment of cheap lamb from Sellafield, which was subsequently used in the production of the popular Radioactive Lamb Vindaloo Pie. Harry was back where he started, saddled with massive debts and with no capital which led him to declare bankruptcy in 1987. However, he still had a shed full of dead fish which, after his untimely death, was discovered and used by Rami to create a new range of gourmet fish burgers and sausages. The new products proved very popular, and the company rose from the ashes once more.
A Family Business[edit]
Ramsden had no immediate family other than Finnish cousin Rami who took care of him when he became incontinent and racist to Australians. Industry experts have suggested that it was actually Rami who was the brains of the business all along, citing the occasion when he attracted the Prime Minister to eat at one of the shops in a publicity stunt designed to show that the Labour Party cares about drunks and will give him social security. However, Harry had many wives - some of whom were men ; but in keeping with the traditional ways of Northerners he never believed any of them to be capable of running a business. When we consider that he originated in Leeds, his infamously unpleasant odour and drunken state must be considered to have been the most attractive aspects of his personality and as such, it is remarkable that he married so many times. He left no children and is known to have been infertile.