Great Potato Rebellion of 1266
The Potato was introduced to Ireland by a previous incarnation of Queen Victoria in her male drag disguise was called colloquially by the Irish peons The Birdman of Alcatraz, modern historians believe this was because of her penchant for assorted seeds though a shadow has been cast on this claim by Dr. Patrick O'Defecator who claims it was "just for the laugh".
The Dangerous tuber was universally spurned by the majority of Irish people but quickly found a foot hold among the established Graphic Design and Information Technology community of the 1250s. The sound of mashed potatoes being snorted from toilet seats was common among the night clubs frequented by these communities, mainly in their ghettos on the outskirts of the butter city of Dublin and The People's Republic of Cork
Stirrings of Rebellion
With the advent of wireless communication, which was the term for the use of carrier pigeons, many of the information technology community found themselves redundant and were soon turned out of their lavishly appointed labourers cottages by the incumbent Anglo-Irish landlords. Some emigrated to Estonia where enclaves of Irish cheese making communities remain today. Others attempted to re-skill themselves, with the help of many retarded geriatric donkeys, by learning to fly- though this option showed limited success. Many remained on the street where they attempted busking using harmonicas they could not play. The woeful laments they wrote today make up much of modern Irish popular music. Dana's eurovision hit "All Kinds of Everything" dates from this period.
However, their meager earnings could not support their expensive and expansive potato addiction. Many turned to the evil Sweet Potato later reintroduced by Evil overlord George W. Bush after potatoes were planted on his front lawn. Comanche native Americans felt deeply sorry for the poor Irish and began potato kitchens which fueled many addictions, however these Kitchen's offered food at a price as to get potatoes one had to listen to a long boring sermon which was written by none other than future taoiseach Charles J. Haughey.
In this conditions, the time for rebellion was ripe and people only needed a ladder....sorry leader.
General Thomas O'Thomas
General Thomas O'Thomas was one such leader. Common myth says he was born of a successful breeding of a human male and a female mule, however with modern technology Dr. Patrick O'Defecator has proven that in fact it was a female Donkey. He came from the county of Clare, where his deeds are still sang of with the traditional synthesizer accompaniment today. His Christian Brothers education made him a tough though cautious man and he is believed to have spent time in a seminary - though he left within a year after realising it was not a sperm bank.
Fearing his father would sell him into penal servitude, Thomas set sail for New England and finding it had not yet been discovered took the first bus to the port of Rosslare, at the time a free port under the Dublin-Los Angeles peace accord. He quickly gained a berth as a plank on the foredeck and rose through the ranks to become at age 22 a main sail. Thomas resigned his post after he caught ameboid dysentery and made his way to county Kerry where his slow rambling speech pattern and intolerance to alcohol quickly made him a favourite with the locals.
He was conscripted into Information technology by a press gang of career guidance teachers but soon found his niche pulling carts of turf on the broadband line. His half-donkey heritage served him well and he wooed a young ass called Sally Wacker who would remain his partner till the end of his life.
After the arrival of the carrier pigeon, Thomas found himself and Sally homeless and despondent with a gaggle of destitute children to think about. And think about they did, though they in fact were imaginary children. Thomas found himself playing a key role in the increasingly militant Potato lovers movement which led to the formation of Sinn Prata in 1264. This role was as a podium and he frequently was replaced by actual wooden podiums however his quick thinking and hairy good looks(inherited from his mother) won him national approval and he won the election to be nation secretary of the party in 1265 garnering more votes than Gerard Manley Hopkins and a foetal James Joyce.
At this stage, the movement was quickly turning into a army with drills every second Sunday of the month at which refreshments were provided. One day while relaxing after a hard pike practise by tucking into a potato rich potato sandwich a thought hit Thomas. This thought is not known, although from here on he called himself General Thomas O'Thomas and the Anglo-Irish landlords began to fear him expressly instead of as a spectre.
The Beginning of The rebellion
O'Thomas ordered the peasants of Sinn Prata to rise up on June 31st 1266 and plans were made, however due to heavy rain there was a poor turnout and they met again the next day which proved much better. Thus, on June 32nd 1266 the rebellion was afoot.
Armed with pikes and occasionally sharp bottle openers the rebels march to the local post office where an angry letter was posted to the government. This tactic proved pointless as none of the rebels could write and the civil servant who received the letter couldn't be bothered trying to read the illegible scrawl as it was Friday afternoon.
A week later, after camping in Mosney, the Rebels decided to take serious action. A local magistrate, Judge Russell Trousers, was ambushed in his carriage on the way to a porn theatre and the rebels pulled his hair and called him bad words before he enchanted the rabble with his long boring stories about Law Society gatherings.
The Rebellion had begun.
The Killaloe Races And the Raising of Cooraclare Castle
General Thomas O'Thomas had now made his demands to the government. He wished to make the potato a national staple and also, to create a free and independent republic, though this was naturally of lesser concern. The government reply was swift, they sent troops to suppress the uprising. The battle began when potato forces advanced unchecked, in state of the art battle tanks however many of the loaders had their flies open and so they could not shoot, the battle turned whwn the marquis of jaffa cake though possesing no navy sent his marines to fight on the middle flank with great succes, they took many potatiststs prisoners, an important moment in the battle was when the kinsman of Thomas O' Thomas was forced to renaige his position to count MCcain of oven his death was swift and signalled the ended of any coherent battle plan, the cry from government forces that day that resounded throughout the valley was why have knacker chips when you can
O'Thomas sent half his army forward to Killaloe and left his Lieutenant George McSnuffluffakiss in charge of them. He went with the other half of his army to Cooraclare where he ordered them to bring vast quantities of sand from the nearby beaches of Doughmore and Doonbeg. With this sand they built a fortress which was called Cooraclare castle. It was built in 2 days though the workmanship was admittedly shoddy. Such was the admiration for O'Thomas from his men that his orders were not questioned. This proved to be their downfall.
McSnuffluffakiss marched his men the many miles to Killaloe where they realised the whole rebellion thing was just a big waste of time and enjoyed the Races of Killaloe which included to the chargrin of O'Thomas a donkey race and also a massive raffle for the rich prize of becoming bishop of Killaloe- this is still the method by which the post is awarded today.
The Death of O'Thomas
The government troops arrived in Cooraclare armed to the teeth but met little in the way of resistance from the locals who had all been shocked by the horseplay of O'Thomas's rebel army. The Sand walls and turrets of Cooraclare castle provided little resistance when a spade with provided by local farmer Mick McHorseradish, whose son Bertram wrote the first syth-ballad lamenting the 1266 rebellion.
O'Thomas attempted to evade capture by claiming he was also Spartacus but this tactic failed him. Judge Trousers sentenced him to life working in a National Car Testing centre which was a typical sentence of the day as it proved very boring as cars were not to be invented until the early 20th century.
O'Thomas filled his days thinking up lewd limericks and drawing profane picture postcards for sale in Kilkee.
In this way General Thomas O'Thomas joined the pantheon of Irish heroes with Cuchullain, Fionn McCool and you know...the bald fella.
Potato Rebellion: The Movie
The Potato rebellion is to be captured in an all star Hollywood hit starring Julie Andrews as General Thomas O'Thomas and Boy George the woman he loved. The film is as of August '06 in post-production coming to a cinema, alleyway or chip shop near you in summer '08. Rumour has it Courtney Love will appear in a cameo role as Queen Victoria. Michael Jackson will star in the remake as the villain. The film is a fine representation of the highest point in Irish history, when their potatoes almost had freedom from the English.