Gorilla Suit
A Gorilla Suit is a revealing, yet form-fitting piece of formal wear used throughout the Gorilla Kingdom of Whales.
Origin[edit]
The origin of the Gorilla Suit began in what was once the United States of America. The idiots (or "humans," as they were called at the time) and was loosely documented in the ancient documentary of Planet of the Apes.
Inspiration[edit]
The earliest prototype of the Gorilla Suit was created by Luis Pastor, the Mexican reincarnation of the French Louis Pasteur. Like his ancient self, Pastor was an avid inventor and scientist. He found his inspiration for the Gorilla Suit when wearing another project of his, the G-String, out for a test run. Having a ball, Pastor began to prance about his shop merrily, until disaster struck. Or so he thought. His merry prancing came to an abrupt halt when his beloved G-String snapped, falling to the floor. Exposed in his empty, drafty shop, Luis Pastor was utterly distraught. As he gazed upon his snapped man-lingerie, fate called. The fallen G-String had formed a magically wondrous shape with the way it had landed, displayed on his shop floor. And so the first prototype of the Gorilla Suit was born.
The prototype was very skimpy, revealing about 98% of the epidermis, or ass tissue. It was a bright shade of lime green. An accurate depiction of what the earliest Gorilla Suit prototype may be seen in Borat's incredible documentary of an extremely long name describing a country nobody knew about (or cared about) before. In fact, in about the same period of time that Pastor finished the prototype, it vanished. Borat, then, nearly 12 hours later, began filming an informative portion of his documentary pertaining to skimpy, lime-green swim wear
The Borat Scandal[edit]
This bizarre occurrence may have been mere coincidence, but it did not go without notice. Religious groups around the world broke into uncontrollable riots. That, however, was due to shortages in gullible young males to become "altar boys" under the priests. Those close to Pastor, in any case, were pissed. Accusations flew like pigs out of Nazari's ear. When reporters and accompanying annoyances (then called paparazzi) finally tracked down the Kazakh in hiding, Borat was seeking refuge inside of a parked ice cream truck. Once the crowd approached the truck, a large black bear leaped through the serving window and attacked. There were no survivors. This only further advanced favor towards Pastor, as the bear issued a press conference , in which he claimed that Borat had offered him 12% of the total profits generated from the Gorilla Suit prototype. The bear was then thanked by Pastor himself and then taken to a back room. There was a brief roar, followed by a large gunshot, and then silence. Remaining reporters at the scene told that a blood-spattered Pastor emerged from the back room, stating that the bear "looked as if he had contracted rabies from a small goat." [Small goats are known to be the worst carriers of rabies. Notable cases include Lassie and that strange neighbor down the street from you right now.] With the amount of danger involved, Pastor may well have saved everybody in that part of the country with his noble act of killing a prime witness. Even if it was a bear.
The scandal itself, however, never reached a resolution. Borat himself was killed in a freak chess accident a week before his scheduled press release entailing the whereabouts of the stolen prototype everybody knew he had.
Down and Out[edit]
Directly after Borat's gory death, Luis began to think of a new prototype for the Gorilla Suit. It was to little avail, as Pastor had apparently lost his muse, drawing small squiggles, equivalent to a kinder-gartener on crack, in the place where he drew elaborate blueprints. No matter how hard he thought, he was unable to stick with an idea. His inability to think sent him into a deep depression, and began wandering In n' Out of sleazy motels, seedy back-alley bars, and Burgers. He began to drink excessively, living in a continuous drunken haze.
Beer Goggles[edit]
One day, as Luis was downing his 12th bottle of Jack that morning, his eyes fell upon a beautiful young woman by the name of Victoria, whom he began to stalk . Over the minutes, he fell in love with Victoria. He now stalked her in and out of buildings. As they "walked together" near a construction site down the road from the bar in which he first met her in, she veered into the site and entered a porta-potty.
Victoria's Secret[edit]
As the woman Pastor had fallen madly in love with entered the receptacle, he climbed onto a stack of 2x4's nearby for optimum viewing pleasure through the small meshed windows. She revealed her rather large (in more ways that one) "secret" when she failed to sit down in order to urinate. Pastor, shocked, disgusted, and mildly aroused, lost his footing on the pile of wood and fell back, smashing his head against a large boulder the crew had forgotten to remove. The sheer for of this blunt trauma hurled Pastor into a four-day coma. He was really just barely unconscious, and could have been awoken very easily, but the workers enjoyed placing things on him so as to make him and the situation look funny. These things placed upon him include a small kitten, bologna, and numerous sex toys. When Pastor eventually came to four days after his "revelation," his head was clear. He had one hell of a hangover, but it was clear nonetheless. His head swirled with ideas and pain. He began to work on what he thought to be the next big thing. Though the workings of a true Gorilla Suit was far off, this project would help it immensely. Luis decided that he could build a large source of income in which to fund later projects. He used his still-new G-String as a foundation on which to build upon. From this single blueprint, he created enough sexy-wear to fill a monthly catalog. These skimpy clothes of desire included the low-ride jean, bra, and the ever-popular, yet infamous, man-thong. Pastor made over 1,000 makes and models of his sexy-wear, and decided to open a store selling his tasty delights. He had the idea, but not the name. Then it hit him, as his head hit a large rock days before. He would spite the woman, or man, or whatever who broke his heart. He would call it, Victoria's Secret!
The Inspiration Strikes Back[edit]
Enjoying his wild success in the lingerie business, Pastor decided to begin work on what would later be called the Gorilla Suit. He tried and tried, but he lacked his muse yet again. He was almost thrown back into deep depression (like he needed another she-male in his life...), but this time he had money. And, as everyone knows, money can buy happiness. He instead bought himself a plane ticket to the San Diego area. When he arrived, he spied a large river, and, for whatever reason, had the impulse to swim in with while wearing his three-piece suit. As he began to swim through the current that could obviously and easily sweep him away, he saw a small dog known as Baxter struggling to get ashore. Why the small dog could fight the current and Pastor (a man of 6 feet and 180 pounds) could not still remains a mystery. In any case, Pastor helped the small dog ashore. It was fate. Though Baxter had a boot-print on his ass as if a disgruntled biker had kicked him off of a bridge, he did not stumble as he walked ashore and took the lead, Pastor following. Baxter lead Luis through the city and to the San Diego Zoo. For the first time in his life, Luis Pastor had seen a real gorilla.
The Next Big Thing[edit]
Pastor's imaginative rebirth of sorts sparked an incredible chain of events. He was given a truckload of various fabric and materials in which to work with when a large delivery truck mistook him for either Mr. Belvedere or Clark Gable. No one knows the definitive answer as to who he was mistaken for, as the truck plunged over a cliff just down the road from Pastor's workshop, ending in a fiery blaze. Armed with various fabrics, Pastor began work on a large gorilla mannequin on which to test and fit his prototypes. It clearly wasn't his strong suit, as the next prototype turned out like a giant yellow banana, except that it was a subdued gray/black/ Actually, it looked nothing like a banana at all. Anyway, his mannequins sucked gorilla nuts. But the magical chain of events was not over yet. Another delivery truck also mistook him for Mr. Belvedere or Clark Gable, dropping off three full-grown gorillas at his door. It is still disputed whether Pastor was confused for Belvedere or Gable, as the zoo delivery truck also plunged off the fateful cliff down the road, joining countless others in the depths of truck oblivion.
Finally able to fit his Gorilla Suit properly on real, suit-wearing gorillas, Pastor dedicated the rest of his life to perfecting the Gorilla Suit. Perfection, however, came at a hefty cost. Like shit from Round Table.
Injury[edit]
Striving to have the Gorilla Suit at its best, Pastor worked sleeplessly for 40 days and 40 nights. On the morning of day 41, his life changed, but not for the better. It was for the un-better, in fact. The anti-better, if you will. It wasn't good. Not at all. Nope. Nuh-uh. As he was tailoring a first-generation Gorilla Suit on his prized male gorilla, Koko, he accidentally pricked the effeminate gorilla, sending it into a blind rage of gay anger, resulting in a five second period of destruction. Pastor was thrown (and pasted) against the wall nearest him by the mild-mannered Koko, resulting in injuries such as a scuffed knee and the loss of his left arm. Pastor was putting his finishing touches on his new and first fall fashion line of the year. Aptly titled "Mangerie," it showcased the finest he had to offer from various Victoria's Secret lines and was to give a preview to his Gorilla Suit. Crushed in both the literal and figurative sense, Pastor requested that his dear friend Bruno, a gay man with a love for fashion, take his place in presenting the Mangerie campaign. Bruno succeeded in bringing Victoria's Secret from small chain to mega-popular global economical giant. Pastor attended the show, and was further inspired when he viewed Star Jones (an honored guest), mistaking her for a rather large gorilla. Feeling Bruno had not accentuated his countless nights of work (it was really only about 40...), Pastor got back on his figurative horse and was at his final step on his journey to Gorilla Suit Nirvana.
The Final Model[edit]
Pastor finished his life's work in 2008 A.D., or year 1 G.S.E (Gorilla Suit Era). Pastor won various awards that no one particularly cared about. In fact, not even Pastor seemed to care, as he used the awards as overly-fancy scrapers with which he used to scrape the shit out of the gorilla pens daily. Pastor was then asked to speak at every university in the country, describing his road to greatness. The Gorilla Suit itself was just about as famous as its creator, and as such was also asked to speak at every university in the country. The final model of the Gorilla Suit was so incredibly awesome and mind-blowing that all ye who looked upon it had their minds immediately blown and could not function properly anymore, since their brains had essentially imploded. This normal resulted in death.
Mass Production[edit]
In heavy demand, the Gorilla Suit was eventually put into mass production. However, due to the fact that anyone who laid eyes upon it woud have brain implosion, sweat shops were kind of ruled out. This turned out to be a major turnoff for global, sweat-shop-reliant retailers such as Wal-Mart and the Care Bear Corporation. In accordance to this, an early proposition was made to have the workers go into separate rooms, each worker working on a separate piece of the Gorilla Suit. From there, the workers would send the individual parts via wondrous vacuum tubes of wonder to a series of blind folk working the assembly line. This was deemed "too silly" by the U.S. government because "blind men simply cannot operate machinery properly." Pshh. Thus, a new plan was needed.
After much debate, it was decided that machines would create the Gorilla Suit, putting the blind out of jobs. Now, only one problem remained: How can one buy a Gorilla Suit, if one can't look at a Gorilla Suit?
Retail[edit]
- information removed by the Church of Scientology*
- information restored by TheChrisParker "Fuck Scientology!"*
Selling the Gorilla Suit had the same accompanying problems as making it. That problem involved, yes, you guessed it, large-scale clean-ups on account of mass brain implosions. This problem resulted in another problem: all the blind folk laid off from the factories were on strike. There was, however, a small percentage of blinds willing to work for the factories. They were called "Auntie Kellers" by their fellow blind folk. This was, of course, a play off of an "Uncle Tom" used by the black community during a similar situation. The Auntie Kellers wanted to work, but after blind employees became a "liability" (meaning they knocked the amazing pyramids made from products such as Pepsi stacked up, angering the employees with no social life), they were then banned from ever working in the retail business again. Ever. Ever ever. Never ever!
This further infuriated the blind community, resulting in hilarious riots of blind folk beating each other with sticks and such. Really, it was pretty fucking funny. I mean, blind guys trying to light Wal-Mart on fire actually setting an outhouse ablaze? Then seeing someone in it? Holy shit!
Ahem, well, this had a profound effect on the nation. Mostly hilarity, but an effect nonetheless.
Controversy of the Gorilla Suit[edit]
In 2006 in Fort Wayne, Indiana a man dressed in a gorilla suit attempted to kidnap a child in a store. Nevertheless the fake ape was foiled by the forceful beating of a salami from an angry mother with the father watching along side. The man in the gorilla suit was soon arrested and was no longer simmion supreme. As the media got involved with this tragic event anger and retrobution sparked towards men in gorilla suits but mostly gorillas in general. Soon massacures of gorillas at zoo's across America were at large at a ridiculous and hillarious rate. Shortly the retrobution ended with several deaths of alledgedly innocent gorillas. As the attacks came to an end the chief of the Fort Wayne Sherrif's Dept. had only this to say.
"It was only a fuckin criminal in a fuckin gorilla suit!" "It did not call fer the tragic, yet hillarious murder of innocent gorillas in zoo's or national parks!" "If its revenge yer wantin just go after the true criminal I have here in the station.
As soon as the chief finished his sentence a mob formed within minutes with guns, pitchforks, hoes (the cultivating kind), torches, and other forms of farming tools and angry mob equipment. As the local news media fled in their vans scared shitless with the cheif in his 98' Crown Vic the mob took the law in their own hands. As the mob breeched the sherrif's office with an exaggeratedly huge war axe the gorilla suit wearing fiend cowarded in shitless fear in the corner of his cell. When the mob stormed the cramped office they drew their weapons upon the criminal. The convict's last words or word was "Nooooo!!! as several shots of gunfire filled the cell killing the once humorously dressed kidnapper.